Sunday, July 22, 2007

Denouement





So, now that the dust has settled and this thing is finally out, was my for-the-most-part-made-up Harry Potter ending anywhere near correct?

23 comments:

Mrs.EdwardNorton said...

Maybe you should read the book and find out for yourself, instead of relying on others' word for it. But, in case you don't find out before my daughter finishes it, I'll be kind enough to let you know. ;)

J.L.Jones said...

The Harry one. But apparently he comes back to life or some shit. So like 1/4 correct.

And I'm fucking disappointed that the last page wasn't covered in poison. You lied to me, Chez. I thought we clean the gene pool for once.

That's it. I'm never coming back here.

Oh, If I was only so petty.

Chez said...

Mrs. Norton -- Sorry sweets, I'm reading the new Delillo. Why? Because he's a brilliant writer and I'm an adult.

McFly said...

Draco Malfoy dies, or at least that's what one of my friends who's read it already told me.

kalei said...

i just read all the comments left on the last harry potter one and wow all i can say is that made my day. keep up the good work. i know ill continue to read.

Thomas said...

Well, Chez, we know who WON'T be reporting back to you on this one. Not that you really want the ending paraphrased by bed shitting douchebags that can't take a joke.

And to them I say... Sorry. You can't hang with the cool kids anymore. Hope that stings a bit. Death threats can be sent to tom@chezpwndurass.com

VOTAR said...

Let's try this another way.

HERE ARE THE ENDINGS OF OTHER LITTLE CHILDREN'S FAIRY TALES:

The witch tricks the King's son by impersonating Rapunzel, and after climbing her fake hair only to find the evil hag, he attempts suicide by throwing himself from the tower, and at the bottom there are thorns that pierce out his eyes, which is a pretty shitty way to end an already shitty experience to begin with, but then Rapunzel finds him and cries tears into his bleeding eye sockets and they grow back. The End.

Hansel and Gretel murder a witch in an oven, steal her pearls and gems, ride across a river on the back of a magic duck, and live happily ever after with their dad. The End.

After mangling the feet of three other people, Prince Charming puts the bloodied crystal shoe on Cinderella's foot and it fits. They live happily ever after. The End.

The huntsman eviscerates a wolf wearing a nightgown, and a little girl in a red hat emerges to declare "and I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!" The End.

The midget's name is Rumplestiltskin. The End.

Della sells her hair to buy Jim's watch chain. Jim sells his watch to buy Della's hair combs. Jim is, of course, completely fucked; Della's hair will grow back, and now he will always be late for work. The End.

The pigs hide in a brick house that the wolf can't blow over, and his writhing carcass is burned alive in their chimney. The End.

The Emperor isn't wearing any clothes, and his lords are embarassed. The End.

The Princess has a hyper-sensitized ass, and feels the pea under the mattresses. The End.

The ugly duckling is really a swan! The End.

The girl falls in love with the beast and his curse is lifted so he's handsome again. The End.

Goldilocks and the Baby bear become fast friends, and play together often. The End.

The Prince kisses Snow White, and she wakes up. The End.

The Black Sheep has three bags of wool. The End.

The dish runs away with the spoon. The End.

Little Boy Blue is asleep on the job. The End.

Little Miss Muffet hates spiders. The End.

Mary's little lamb trespasses on school property. The End.

Old Man MacDonald is a farmer. He has a lot of animals. The End.

Posies are believed to protect you from the black plague.
Incidentally, they don't. The End.

The old woman in the shoe beats her children. The End.

The kittens get those hard-to-resolve grass stains from their mittens. The End.

J.L.Jones said...

Votar is my personal hero.

prophet of Ra said...

not very accurate, sorry
not entirely wrong either

excellent book though

Marjorie said...

I couldn't stop myself from hearing this not because I care but because I am fucking sick of it. But Harry's kids, Ron and Harmony's (whatever) kids, and Draco or Drako's kids all meet years later to start there first term at Hogwarts.

If this is true. Anyone having an issue with my comment can email me at gofuckyourself@eatshit.com

elle dee said...

Yeah, Harry sacrifices himself, and actually Harry's parents and a whole bunch of ghosts make an appearance too, so I suppose that part of your prediction was true also.

Also I think this is maybe my second time ever commenting, but I've read for months now. Greatbloglovethewritingandthesarcasm and all that.

Chez said...

Excellent eh? Excellent?

Oh kid -- you seriously need to expand your horizons.

Richard Yates's Revolutionary Road is excellent. The Potter books are badly-written pap.

And "your" grammar's bad.

Monique said...

Grr I know you are home today because Jayne told me. So now I must tell you to get off your ass and entertain me with new material!

max said...

8.3 Million copies in 24 hours. Has anyone thought of the trees? The mindless killing of thousands upon thousands of innocent trees? Also, contributing to the further deforestation of our planet? Life-giving, tremendous trees.

All for the selfish consumption of ficticious wizardry.

Save the planet. Read a blog.

Emily Blake said...

Oh, Chez. If only I was as smart as you and liked all the awesome cerebral things you like, maybe I could be a better person. I guess I just don't deserve to live. I wish I could be more like you and look down on anybody who doesn't agree with me.

As it is, I guess I'll just have to settle for being happy with who I am.

The seventh book was very good. Not perfect, but good. And Harry does sacrifice himself, but the fact that he was willing to give up his life for the sake of others ended up being what saved him.

choenbone said...

Just a thought...If people actually paid as much attention to the politicians they vote for as they do these silly fucking kids books, mebee we wouldn't be despised by the rest of the globe (or at least not AS bad.)

Chez said...

Wow Em -- you mean because he selflessly sacrifices himself, that's what saves him?

You know, I just saw that very same thing happen at the end of Pan's Labyrinth -- oh yeah, and about two or three dozen other movies, TV shows and stories that come to mind including, if I remember correctly, an episode of Scooby-Doo.

I stand corrected. These books really are excellent.

the sieve said...

Chez, you're right in that the books are hardly literary masterpieces.

But at least they get kids excited about reading.

No?

Thomas said...

Chez gets me excited...





About reading ;)

Laser Rocket Arm said...

The thing that pisses me off the most about Harry Potter is that I didn't think of it first. An English boarding school for witches and wizards? A misfit kid finding out he can do magic? And writing books about this will make me a billion dollars? WHERE THE FUCK DO I SIGN UP?

chris said...

relax, chez. i love your blog and all, but leave the boy wizard alone. if you don't like it don't read it. it's a fun book for all ages. a nice distraction. not everything we read and watch has to be highly intellectual.

benji said...

chez,

i read your blog often (loved the memoir exerpts, btw)and generally agree with you about most things. however, i have to agree with chris on this one point. i like harry potter. i am aware that it is escapist tripe, but sometimes one is in the mood to escape.
i think it's okay to read potter as long as it's not all that you read. for example, read harry potter, but balance it out, read through david foster wallace's infinite jest or pynchon. or proust if you really have something to prove, lol.

Trackster said...

Wow i love your way of thinking.......i would love to see her topless!!!!!!!!!!