Monday, July 23, 2007

The Defining Moment

(Update: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'll leave this post up, but it may as well be written in Swahili. No one had any idea how difficult it would be to get past the Gestapo-like contingent of humorless administrators at Wikipedia. Thanks to everyone who gave this little juvenile online prank a shot; I'd go into battle with you anytime.)

Now that the new look and domain name are in place, the time has come to take my next bold step toward, you know, like, inevitable world domination -- and for this I've decided to ask your help.

The original plan was to create a Wikipedia entry for both this site and for the idiot who runs it (that would be me), but after sitting at the computer for no less than a full five minutes, my wife and I realized that we really couldn't come up with much to say about either.

And that's when she devised a plan that's equal parts brilliant and terrifying: let you, the readers, do it for us.

So, that's exactly what we've decided to do; we're leaving it up to all of you to log into Wikipedia and create an entry for both "Deus Ex Malcontent" and my full name -- which I won't divulge, but suffice to say that the more resourceful of you can easily find the necessary information and the rest can feel free to make something up.

Harry Potter fans, this means you can finally have your revenge.

Everyone else that I've pissed off throughout the past year and a half, you now have a golden opportunity to verbally pound me into paste.

Friends, and those who enjoy this site on a semi-regular basis, now's your chance to say something kind about me.

I promise not to interfere with your construction of the entry for at least a week -- meaning you have seven days worth of free reign to concoct any back story you'd like for me and/or this site. You have oodles of material here to work with --TV news career, rehab, brain tumor, general assholean behavior -- but in case you require them, here are a few more facts about me:

* My middle name is Jehosephat.

* I was the first African-American to swim the English channel.

* Thirty Helens agree: I rock.

* I wet the bed until two years ago.

* I am the final remaining Cylon.

* My first pet was a mouse which died when I accidentally left it out on the patio in 30-degree weather.

* Crystal Light -- I love Crystal Light.

* When writing or relaxing around the house, I generally wear a pair of baby-blue boxer shorts with little cartoon alligators all over them.

Once again friends and foes, this is your chance -- have at it.

Take your best shot.


Eric said...

you can only be said to truly rock if one of those Helens is Thomas.

Schwa said...

Eric - Chez's and Thomas', ahem, "dalliance" is the reason Bush stopped accepting questions from her.

Harris said...

"When writing or relaxing around the house, I generally wear a pair of baby-blue boxer shorts with little cartoon alligators all over them."

A real man wears only rocket ships, or, in a pinch , fishies. You fruit.

litelysalted said...

Now I have to learn how to use Wikipedia, too? Haven't I done enough for you already, man?!

"Little known fact about Chez -- he is decidedly anti-monkey."

Hee. ;)

Manny said...

Tell me about it. Wikipedia takes itself waaaaay too seriously. But the post is up...and awaiting "speedy deletion". Apparently Wikipedia finds Chez of little consequence to or relevance. (insert joke here)

Anonymous said...

oh, give it time.

He will be of consequence.

Oh yes, he will.

winged unicorn said...

does wikipedia accept posts in latin? cause then i'll do it.
p.s. according to intellius you and my ex have the same middle name. scary!!!

A Bowl Of Stupid said...


But on the bright side, if this whole "internet" thing pans out for you, you won't have to wear that silly Orange Julius uniform to work anymore.

Ohh, ohh, can I write that on Wikipedia?

girl with curious hair said...

Anti-monkey? How? Why? They are at least as cute as kittens.

Chez, will your next bold step toward world domination conflict with Manny's plans to take over the world?

Jayne said...

wow. I had no idea that wikipedia made this so difficult. they take themselves pretty seriously for a site that was hijacked by Colbert.

perhaps we should try "conservapedia" instead? (no, I'm not making that up.) Or should we just bite the bullet and create Malcopedia? I don't think we'd reject us, but I guess it depends on our confidence that day.

Paul said...

Hmmm...I do not know your sports allegiances, but you are wearing a Red Sox hat and you live in New York? I thought that was deemed illegal in the 5 boroughs.

Chez said...

I have no sports allegiances. The hat's comfortable and the picture was taken in London, which means that rightfully no one gives a shit.

Jayne said...


Let's prove that you're historically significant!

Chez said...

I killed Kennedy.

Both of them.

Fungi said...

see, i told you that hat was going to come back to get you. you should have used the pic that i "fixed" for you.

say it with me now, "Y", "A", "N", "K", "E", "E", "S".


now try this, "J", "E", "T", "E, "R".

Schwa said...

Chez - Both George Kennedy and the star of MTV's Alternative Nation? You bastard. I mean hero.

VOTAR said...

Well, Chez, it's obvious what must be done now. This isn't college radio anymore. You gotta get all Sanjaya Malakar on them.

You REALLY want to be a Malcontent? You REALLY want to be a misanthropic pain-in-the-ass?

Build an army.

What a shame it would be if, oh, I dunno, the editing staff of Wikipedia were overwhelmed suddenly with the relentless and gargantuan task of proof-reading thousands of existing articles, each and every day, to remove hundreds of completely irrelevant non-sequitors and disassociated tangeants sprinkled throughout them, left there by bloggers all over the planet.

An article about the battle of Gettysburg inexplicably becomes a recipe for sugar cookies...

Random snippets of nursery rhymes hidden throughout the entry concerning NAFTA...

The biography of Catherine of Aragon replaced with a dissertation on the existence of tachion particles (in Polish)...

The viral insertions wouldn't even have to make it onto the net. The mere effort necessary to proof-read and correct all the affected entries even before they could be published would consume the efforts of the Wikipedia staff, and cause a melt-down of personnel resource management. The inundation of complaints from readers and article authors concerning the ruined entries that would get through, would constitute the other prong of the global digital pitchfork up Wikipedia's ass.


Just sayin'.


mrmook said...


you f!!!!!g RAWK!

Manny said...

Oh fuck. Operation Wikipocalypse has begun. Votar, I am yours to command. I lay down my life for the cause.

Fungi said...

Fight Club was the beginning, now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Project Mayhem.

Anonymous said...

Ya, Wikipedia farking bites. ;-)

Lorenzo said...

How about a footnote on the NAMBLA entry?