Friday, July 20, 2007

And Here I Thought Oprah's Bitch Was Named Gayle

It's rare that I post written material directly from another source, but I swear to Christ -- after reading it several times, I have no idea how I could possibly make this piece of wire copy from the Associated Press any more frighteningly batshit lunatic than it already is. In fact, I almost feel like attempting to improve on or alter it in any way would be like trying to touch up the Mona Lisa; it's that perfect.

Seriously, Breton couldn't write florid surrealist drivel like this:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Oprah Winfrey is mourning the death of her 2-year-old golden retriever, Gracie.

"Weeks have passed," Winfrey says in the August issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. "And the pain has not subsided. Every time I think about it, my heart starts racing and I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest."

On May 26, Gracie choked to death on a plastic ball that belonged to Sophie, Winfrey's 12-year-old cocker spaniel, while out with her dog walker and two other golden retrievers, Winfrey says.

"I ran barefoot out of the house and found the dog walker and one of my security guys pumping her chest," Winfrey, 53, recalls. "Just as I reached them, the security guy looked up and said, `I'm sorry, ma'am. We tried everything. I'm sorry. She's gone.'"

Winfrey -- who "stood there dazed, stunned, crying" as Gracie was placed in a golf cart -- says she learned this lesson: Enjoy life but remember to slow down, too.

"She never stopped moving. Was energy in motion. ... I have never seen a being, human or animal, always so full of joy," Winfrey says of Gracie, who ran amok and gulped food and treats. "This dog lived every moment as though it were her last."

Winfrey says she "got the message" to slow down and catch her breath when Gracie died.

"I don't believe in accidents," says the host of "The Oprah Winfrey Show." "I know for sure that everything in life happens to help us live.

From the desperate efforts of the dog walker and the "security guy" who no doubt felt their own lives hanging in the balance as they did everything short of donating their own hearts to save Oprah's four-legged beloved, to the bouts of "the vapors" she gets every time little Gracie comes to mind, to the spiritual lesson gleaned from her loss, everything about this is almost otherworldly in its complete detachment from the reality you and I experience on a day-to-day basis.

Add to that this little nugget of self-absorbed sociopathy: The story of Oprah's trauma -- although not surprisingly featured at length in Oprah's own "O" magazine (the one on whose cover Ms. Winfrey's face appears every single month) -- wound up in the hands of the Associated Press in the first place, and by proxy every other news organization in the world, thanks to a PRESS RELEASE which was issued by Oprah's communcations department.

In case you missed that, let me reiterate: Oprah sent out an official press release to inform the world that she's heartbroken because her dog died.

I realize that by this point it would take nothing short of shoving a Jesuit down a flight of steps in Georgetown or possibly a tactical nuclear strike to end Oprah's evil hegemony, but in the name of all that is righteous and decent in the universe -- would somebody please find a way to put this woman out of our misery once and for all?

Oh, and to the starfucking media who aided and abetted this crime against sanity by replacing even 20 seconds of news on the loss of actual human life in Iraq with this trivial crap -- fuck you, just fuck you.


Equals said...

this would be funnier if i didn't have to put my dog to sleep on monday night (i heard jayne's family actually had to as well). i TOTALLY agree with you...its shit that some piece of real news ended up on the cutting room floor because of this crap. people go through this shit all the time oprah, get over yourself.

keenEddie said...

Well, considering that I'm more concerned with how I'm going to pay my mortgage and buy food this month, I'm (surprise!) not feeling Oprah's "pain".

I'm no expert in grief counseling, but I would venture to say that, when Ms. O gets around to looking at her ratings at the end of next week -- after the grueling job of interviewing some self-important "celebrity" or talking about the crap she's trying to pass off as high-brow literacy -- I'm guessing that this little incident won't be clouding her thoughts.

Can you say, "cha-ching!"?

Chez said...

Losing a pet is a painful experience -- I take nothing away from that aspect of it. It's obviously the fact that Oprah (as usual) believes that her own suffering is so important and/or so inspirational to people that she's got to broadcast it to the fucking world.

It seriously reminds me of the stories I've heard of how royalty and dictators throughout history often expected their subjects to put their lives on hold and feel the pain of their kings as if it were their own.

keenEddie said...

Actually, the irony of reading this post is that it's 5 years ago today that I lost my cat to cancer. It was a long, painful experience for both of us.. so I do understand the real pain that's involved.

The difference is that I didn't have the luxury of issuing a press release to let the world (or, at least the world that listens to Oprah) know how I felt. Oh, and I'm not cashing in on it by having my little tale of woe published in my own magazine, either.

And... um... I'm probably not considering having someone write a book (with my name as the author) on how to deal with the pain.

I just had to watch my good friend, Jazz, suffer and bring him to various doctors for treatment, until his suffering became too much... for either of us.

Mary said...

The dog was only two years old. She was out with her dog walker. I'll be lighting a candle for Oprah this weekend so she can feel my spiritual solidarity in the long, dark hours of her soul.

VOTAR said...

"Jesuit down a flight of stairs in Georgetown"...touche' my friend!

Incidentally, the mental imagery of Oprah running barefoot out of the house toward the dog walker is, in fact, just this much more surreal.

Paul said...

I think we should all pitch in and get Oprah some swiss chocolate to ease her terrible pain and suffering. I place the over-under at 1 week before something else comes out cincerning this story and the over-under at 2 weeks before Oprah moves up a dress size.

Make sure you tip your 40's

slouchmonkey said...


See there, I'm suffering too. We all are.

Al said...

I'm surprised you didn't rant about the fuckwit senator (Durbin perhaps?) equating the all-night debate with the sacrifices of soldiers and their families.

Uhh...yeah, one sleepless night NOT doing your job is EXACTLY like being subject to bombs and snipers in Iraq.

Boggles the mind how utterly clueless some people can be.

Anonymous said...

You nailed it brother Chez.

Expose her over-indulgences and self-absorbing bullshit..but at least I'll say least the dog walker wasn't cursed up and down the street like other "hollywood" rich bitches would.

Can you imagine if Paris' feline, I mean, dog, died in same fashion??

Although, look at my rottweiler and I'll tell you that I would be quite upset for some time too...and I may send out a press release too not to convey how people should feel sorry for me but b/c my Rott is so fucking popular in my hood!

winged unicorn said...

can you imagine if the dog died hvaing been hit by a car? the driver of the vehicle would be facing the chair....good lord woman get a grip!!!!

Lorenzo said...

Wait...did you just compare Oprah to a king? Only in her own disturbed image of the world I hope. If she runs for president, I'm moving to Antarctica, because we all know she'll win. And that keeps me awake at night.

lakelady said...

What's really funny is watching all of you rant and rave over a silly magazine article. A press release? Sure, they probably send them out every month about what is covered in the latest issue. Big f'ing deal. And what's with all the hate of Oprah? is it because she's figured out a way to make a ton of money doing what she loves, or is it that she can make a whole lotta dough and chooses to use a lot of it to help others in the process? Or perhaps it's because her actions are more in line with her words than 90% of people in the media.

you guys are a hoot and a half.

Chez said...

No lakelady, it's because her actions are completely solipsistic and are undertaken for one reason and one reason only -- to further her ridiculous empire.

If you think she does ANYTHING without considering how it will benefit her own self-obsession, you're hysterically deluded.

I can't stand Oprah because, thanks in part to a media that's more than happy to kiss every inch of her oversized, pampered ass, her level of influence on popular culture has become a kind of oppression.

She perpetuates the cycle of mediocrity and homogeny in this fine land of ours.

And if you're an Oprah fan, I should tell you now that you REALLY should do yourself a favor and go read something else.

slouchmonkey said...

Yeah, Lakelady! Completely, sopilisi...sophisl...solipsi...whatever Chez said!

I just don't like her or the fact that she has a dog walker. Why is she so lazy that she can't walk her own damn dogs on her 50 gazillion acre estate in Montecito? BTW 50 gazillion is not a real number. I made that up.

lakelady said...

I do read something else...this blog for one. Actually I hardly ever read her magazine but I have watched her show for years and I honestly believe you are mistaken about her motives. And if it was mediocrity that she was aiming to perpetuate she never would have had that author (can't remember his name) back on her show to hold him to account for his lies. Mediocrity would have just blown it off and moved on. She didn't. And that's just one example among many.

There are a lot of factors in our society that drag us down into homogeny and mediocrity, but Oprah isn't one of them and your vitriol towards her could be better aimed at others.

Jim said...

Perhaps one day if I'm lucky enough to befriend Oprah maybe I too can die in the arms of a housing surveillance professional in order to further school miss Winfrey on what it is to be alive.

Hey, has Paris Hilton proven herself to us yet? I need proof.

Diego said...

Let me get this right. Oprah sends out press release about dead dog. Blah blah griefstricken. Chez hates Oprah; okay. Then Chez writes blog about Oprah press release which most people don't even know exists. Who's a starfucker?

girl with curious hair said...

What if Oprah learned the wrong lesson from her dead dog? What if the lesson was that greed kills? Or that you shouldn't covet your neighbor's dog toys? Has Gracie died in vain?

Of course, seeing someone so far removed from reality is mind-bogglingly painful. Unbelievable.

Also, I feel horrible if you have to sift through this drivel on a daily basis.

Chez said...


Lakelady, I really do appreciate your well thought out response -- but you're WAY, WAY off base.

Oprah jumped down James Frey's throat not because he lied to the American public but because he lied to HER, and if there's one thing you don't do -- YOU DO NOT MAKE OPRAH LOOK STUPID.

Here, read this: (Hustle & Blow/5.30.06)

And while you're at it, let me hammer the point home for you as to Oprah's true motives: (The Part that Never Comes Home/1.21.07)

Shannon from Saskatoon said...

Two different issues. Oprah is and ever shall be exempt from the statistical set that is you and me. For whatever reason. Kudos to her keeping the overwrought hysterical bitches quiet.
(Oh look...I might be one unit amongst that class-action oriented, solipsist whoreson demographic. Oooch!)
Dogs are all-that in this culture. They still get beat, screwed and eaten by the worst of our species. It`s gonna take more than easy surface contempt to get us past this, Chez

TK said...

As long as you hate Oprah, I will always love you.

Cue Whitney Houston.

Julie said...

When I began reading the press release, my heart immediately went out to Oprah. She is suffering; I am suffering. But just as my pain was about to become unbearable ... she reached out to me. She let me know that everything was OK.

Gracie's death was not in vain! She learned something from it! Something that will make her an even better person. Something, ladies and gentlemen, she chose (and that is where she trancends greatness) to share with me; with us. My grief turned to reflection and then to joy. My life has been made better. The death of a billionaire's dog has touched my overweight housewife's soul and I shall never be the same.

Shame on you, Chez; can't you see the good she does?

TK said...

Jesus. We're going to have to re-calibrate the sarcasm scale after Julie's comment.