Friday, July 20, 2007
And Here I Thought Oprah's Bitch Was Named Gayle
It's rare that I post written material directly from another source, but I swear to Christ -- after reading it several times, I have no idea how I could possibly make this piece of wire copy from the Associated Press any more frighteningly batshit lunatic than it already is. In fact, I almost feel like attempting to improve on or alter it in any way would be like trying to touch up the Mona Lisa; it's that perfect.
Seriously, Breton couldn't write florid surrealist drivel like this:
NEW YORK (AP) -- Oprah Winfrey is mourning the death of her 2-year-old golden retriever, Gracie.
"Weeks have passed," Winfrey says in the August issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. "And the pain has not subsided. Every time I think about it, my heart starts racing and I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest."
On May 26, Gracie choked to death on a plastic ball that belonged to Sophie, Winfrey's 12-year-old cocker spaniel, while out with her dog walker and two other golden retrievers, Winfrey says.
"I ran barefoot out of the house and found the dog walker and one of my security guys pumping her chest," Winfrey, 53, recalls. "Just as I reached them, the security guy looked up and said, `I'm sorry, ma'am. We tried everything. I'm sorry. She's gone.'"
Winfrey -- who "stood there dazed, stunned, crying" as Gracie was placed in a golf cart -- says she learned this lesson: Enjoy life but remember to slow down, too.
"She never stopped moving. Was energy in motion. ... I have never seen a being, human or animal, always so full of joy," Winfrey says of Gracie, who ran amok and gulped food and treats. "This dog lived every moment as though it were her last."
Winfrey says she "got the message" to slow down and catch her breath when Gracie died.
"I don't believe in accidents," says the host of "The Oprah Winfrey Show." "I know for sure that everything in life happens to help us live.
From the desperate efforts of the dog walker and the "security guy" who no doubt felt their own lives hanging in the balance as they did everything short of donating their own hearts to save Oprah's four-legged beloved, to the bouts of "the vapors" she gets every time little Gracie comes to mind, to the spiritual lesson gleaned from her loss, everything about this is almost otherworldly in its complete detachment from the reality you and I experience on a day-to-day basis.
Add to that this little nugget of self-absorbed sociopathy: The story of Oprah's trauma -- although not surprisingly featured at length in Oprah's own "O" magazine (the one on whose cover Ms. Winfrey's face appears every single month) -- wound up in the hands of the Associated Press in the first place, and by proxy every other news organization in the world, thanks to a PRESS RELEASE which was issued by Oprah's communcations department.
In case you missed that, let me reiterate: Oprah sent out an official press release to inform the world that she's heartbroken because her dog died.
I realize that by this point it would take nothing short of shoving a Jesuit down a flight of steps in Georgetown or possibly a tactical nuclear strike to end Oprah's evil hegemony, but in the name of all that is righteous and decent in the universe -- would somebody please find a way to put this woman out of our misery once and for all?
Oh, and to the starfucking media who aided and abetted this crime against sanity by replacing even 20 seconds of news on the loss of actual human life in Iraq with this trivial crap -- fuck you, just fuck you.