Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Modest Proposal


I'll make this quick.

Apparently, for reasons which remain an absolute mystery to me, the American news media refuses to simply ignore lunatic bitch Ann Coulter; quite the contrary in fact -- they continue to enable her daffy antics by granting her run of the airwaves everytime she spouts another one of her ridiculously contrived, "incendiary" remarks. ("Bill Clinton ass-rapes children;" "Downs syndrome is part of the liberal-Jew conspiracy;" "Midgets should be used as food," etc.)

This, despite the fact that it's usually right around the fifth grade when most people realize that the schoolyard bully's batteries are recharged only by healthy doses of attention, and that if you deprive him of any kind of consideration whatsoever -- or better yet, laugh at him outright -- you neuter him in short order, making life better for everyone.

But the silly Coulter Vaudeville act is allowed to continue -- sans hook -- and we all suffer accordingly.

I won't bother going into detail about Angry Annie's most recent display of entirely unimaginative invective; you've probably heard by now that Elizabeth Edwards called into MSNBC's Hardball to make an ill-advised appeal to Coulter's "humanity." Edwards basically pleaded with her antagonist to stop the verbal attacks on her and her family -- to which Ann responded exactly as one would expect a bully to respond when a wussified attempt is made to beg for mercy in the name of all that is civil and decent: She scoffed, "No fucking way," and proceeded to berate the living hell out of Edwards on live television.

The entire thing wasn't just attended but was facilitated by Hardball's self-important buffoon of a host -- Chris "Tweety Bird" Matthews.

So, since no one seems to be willing to ostracize this vapid dingbat, I'm forced to suggest another course of action:

Kill her.

No, I'm serious.

She's suggested the assassination of political leaders with whom she doesn't see eye-to-eye, so really, what's wrong with someone else advocating her murder?

I mean, look, I may as well admit right now to something that many might consider an obscene character flaw: I don't believe that all life is precious. Quite the opposite in fact -- there are just some people without whom the world would be an infinitely better place.

You can't tell me that Ann Coulter isn't one of them.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not "taking out a hit" on Annie per se; I have nothing to offer financially or otherwise as payment for "assisting" her in shuffling off her immoral coil to go hang out with Jerry Falwell in oblivion.

I'm just saying that we'd all be better off without her -- and the simpler means of making her go away seems to elude the hell out of everyone.

So, kill her.

Put a bullet in the back of her head.

Run a ten inch blade into her throat and watch her bleed out on the floor.

Beat her to death with an aluminum baseball bat.

You know, whatever.

Or, someone could wise up and decide to simply stop paying attention to her, which I guarantee to Ann Coulter would be a fate far worse than death.

51 comments:

Monique said...

What I'm left wondering is why hasn't someone already done us the favor? Why hasn't she already been diced up and left in the mailbox of Fox News?

So quick people are to assassinate someone so harmless as John Lennon, yet this lunatic bitch is still walking freely and fearlessly. Makes me sick.

VOTAR said...

Didn't Baldwin teach you anything?

You can't kill what isn't alive.

litelysalted said...

After my "shoot her in the face" comment yesterday, I have to admit I was thinking the same thing. If I had nothing to live for, I know I would certainly go for it. You mean tell me nobody out there fits that criteria? I wouldn't even care if I got caught. In fact, I'd do it right at a televised live event like that one to satisfy the blood lust of others like myself. Something for the kids, y'know? Personally, if someone out there did decide to off the bitch, it'd be a damn shame if it wasn't caught for YouTube posterity. Oh, how we'd laaaaugh and laaaaugh.

Juju said...

Thank you. I appreciate that and I agree with you. But I do think if we sent little Annie to Naples, Italy she wouldn't come back. They do say the crime rate there is really low except for mafia-related crimes.

Vermillion said...

From tat clip of her on Hardball, I think even Chris Matthews wanted to punch her dead in the jaw. How someone could spew such garbage and then act indignant and persecuted when someone calls her on it is ridiculous.

Unfortunately, your proposal was already turned into a Law & Order episode, and the sumbitch missed.

Harris said...

Shit, now I've got to throw out everything in my kitchen.

Oh, yeah, Coulter. There's no need to kill her; just wave a box of warm, fresh donuts under her bony nose and she'll likely explode. I imagine she hasn't enjoyed a single calorie (well, she hasn't kept one down) in 15 years.

Or we could lock her in a room with Condeleeza Rice and let the hate erupt into a boiling cauldron of disturbing lesbian passion. Not that the Iron Box Twins are gay, but maybe if left alone long enough without something to destroy (the law, simple decency, the world) each will realize how badly she needs to get laid.

kc said...

Isn't writing a blog about her giving her attention? She might be a fan, you know...

Chez said...

I figured someone would point out that irony -- however A) I don't really think that advocating her murder is the kind of attention she's looking for; even Ann draws the line somewhere I'd imagine, and B) I don't pretend, even for a moment, like this website is a member of the responsible news media.

kc said...

I almost forgot, I wanted to show you this:

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/c/c/coulter_adamsapple.jpg

namron said...

Please, for the love of God, tell me where I find "the responsible news media!"

jane said...

I often image that Ann Coulter goes home at night and cuts herself. Or at least i hope.

tiny robot said...

Nah, she goes home to molt every night. Under that overly-moisturized Barbie costume is a leathery creature who likes to eat babies for breakfast.

LiteraryAlchemist said...

"I often image that Ann Coulter goes home at night and cuts herself. Or at least i hope."

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ann Coulter is Emo!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WIN!

VOTAR said...

"let the hate erupt into a boiling cauldron of disturbing lesbian passion."

Perfect! Now I can finish that crunchy Death-Metal song I've been trying to write but I just couldn't conjure the last few lyrics.

I'll remember to credit you on the CD label, harris.

Schwa said...

Unfortunately, you'd create a martyr for asinine loudmouth blowhards who would see it as an attempt to squelch the more obnoxious elements of free speech with fear. And they'd become noisier, cruder, bigger attention whores than Coulter.

Imagine a world where these yammering twits are protected by hate crime legislation. Is that what you want?

Nexus 6 said...

Chez, you give her too much credit.

Also, where the fuck is Dexter when you need him??

linguisticdame@yahoo.com said...

I absolutely love your candor!!! I think that more writer's should institute regiments of harsh reality infused with derogatory terms, simply for effects. Though I'm not familiar with this person, because I'm openly ok with being out of the loop regarding the news media, I think she sounds like a freak and props to you for advising murder. I concur!!! Keep rockin it out.

Mary said...

Only the good die young. We're likely stuck with this bitch and her cavernous mouth for a long, long time. If we expect to see her early demise, she would have to do something to raise the ire of the FBI and I imagine she's more like a demi-god to them.

Ms. Jan said...

Perhaps her comeuppance is that she keeps looking more and more like Tom Petty as she ages.

Chez said...

Uh, Linguistic Dame?

I'm not sure whether you're being serious or facetious -- although I'm leaning toward the latter.

Regardless, it's "writers," not "writer's," as there's nothing possessive going on in your sentence to speak of.

Also, I would -- according to you -- be using derogatory terms "simply for effect," not "effects."

Oh yeah, and given the context in which you're using it, the correct word would be "regimens," not "regiments."

Not trying to nitpick here -- but you do call yourself "Linguistic Dame."

By the way, if you were sincere in your comment and weren't trying to be an asshole then well, uh, ya know, sorry.

Peter L. Winkler said...

No, not everyone would benefit from Coulter's death. While it would please many people, myself included, it would dismay her publisher, agent, publicist(s) and the electronic media you are so fond of lambasting. What would Chris Matthews and his ilk do without Coulter? Does anyone really tune in to Hardball to watch Hillary Rosen debate that cockeyed clown Ron Christie?

Captain Babypants said...

This post would have been flawless if it didn't contain Ann Coulter's hagface staring at me.

The OTTER man! Remember the otter or some other friendly, cute mammal.

Aside from that, pure brilliance.

UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

God, I can't stand this woman. My mother adores her, my sister calls her 'Republican Barbie', and I just want her to SHUT UP.
I really wish I had mob connections sometimes.

Calitri said...

It's unfortunate psychopaths generally don't go after there own kind or I'd roll the dice and open up the maximum security prisons for a day on the off chance one might get to her.

Manny said...

As if you didn't know, you're blog is rated NC-17.
http://mingle2.com/blog-rating

Mine? Um, not so much. But Disney would LOVE it.

RottweilerTOM said...

I'll make THIS quick.

She's a snide bitch. (But then again so am I.) However, I wouldn't feed her to my own bitch.

Love always,

RottweilerTom

Beckylooo said...

I refuse to say her name. I refer to her only as Gmork, after that snarling, drooling harbinger of all evil in "The Neverending Story."

I want her condemned to a hell of Coney Island Hot Dog eating contests where, despite her stuffing her face till she swells to the size of the Ukraine, judge John Edwards awards the top prize to a svelte, salad-eating Stephanie Miller.

Anonymous said...

If we killed Anne who would Bill Maher fuck?

John said...

So do you have any comments to show her claims to be false? How about the PC need to not target the actual group that comprises most terrorists, male arabs?I think your position would be better served if you would be willing to discuss ideas in a calm and factual manner.But thats' just me.

Chez said...

Yes, you're right John -- that is just you.

You might want to go back and read my column regarding honor killing (Killing in the Name Of/5.17.07), which also happens to have a link to another post -- this one dealing with profiling in America's airports.

Actually, come to think of it -- if you're unaware of how fast and loose Annie plays with the facts, you should probably skip all that and go do some personal research.

I had always wondered though who it was that actually thought Coulter was a worthwhile individual with something important to say; thanks for clearing that up for me.

John said...

Thank you for the response. I did google Ann, and will do more research.Any particular comments made by Ann I should review?

TK said...

Yikes... I saw John's post and thought, "oh, this is gonna be fun."

But that's just me.

Chez said...

Start here: Spinsanity

The problem today is that each side can easily dismiss the other -- and in the end, the person who yells the loudest is heard the clearest and no one from the opposite side is convinced.

But Ann's a comedian -- not a commentator, and I'll tell you up front that there isn't a damn thing wrong with her being un-PC, as long as she's not lying through her teeth and has the credentials to back up her opinions -- which the last time I checked, she doesn't.

Bill said...

It is nice to know that at least one person with the last name Edwards has the guts to ambush Ann Coulter on live TV.

Could either of them stand up to Fox News? Al-Qaeda?

John said...

From Spininsanity:
"I often wonder whether Ann Coulter's political views are just a pose."
After reading the post I would agree she is a clown, part of the problem instead of the solution. She doesn't speak for me.

sparksinner said...

I wish you'd found a less retouched shot of her. She looks almost human, when in reality she's a dessicated witch.

Thanks for calling the linguistics broad on her awesome English. She doesn't know it, but it saved her from my corrections via email.

The conservative douchebags obviously have not gotten wind of this post. When I saw 35 comments I thought for sure it had turned into a massive riot. I was surprised everyone more or less in agreement.

choenbone said...

AMEN ANOTHER CONVERT! Lets burn the bitch in napalm lipstick. now that'd be some fun.

Gigantor! said...

Wow! You actually think that Mrs. Edwards "ambushed" Coulter on Hardball? Ambushed as in, no one knew she was going to call in? Chris Matthews is full of shit. That was completely staged. Edwards calling in, come on people, Coulter is a dumb bitch, but that call was so transparent. Please. Edwards must be getting low on campaign dough because he just "stood up to a big bad windbag bully!" After all of his "spontaneous" interviews after Hardball, I bet all the campaign donation letters went out. Or, maybe it distracted people from the fact that he misused 1.4 million dollars of charitable donation money? No, that can't be it! He is a "man of the people!" Get real.

Gigowho! said...

Again, this was such a setup, and if anyone thinks that Mrs. Edwards calling Hardball was spontaneous and that she has "courage" for standing up to the big bad conservative windbag, get a god damn clue. Edwards is running on empty plus he needs to take some heat off of his improper use of 1.4 million dollars in charitable donations... This was so staged it isn't even funny anymore. Matthews looks more and more like a clown everyday. After John Edwards gave his "spontaneous" interviews afterwards, I bet a few million campaign contribution letters were sent out. You people just cannot be serious, standing up to Anne Coulter like it is some heroic thing? She sucks, big deal. Oh, and Al Fraken, Bell Maher etc can go on and about assasinating, killing, wishing our president dead and no one blinks an eye? Oh wait, they're liberals, sorry.

Lorenzo said...

I've got someone at work who my boss won't fire, so if someone could help get rid of here...I'm thinking Strangers on a Train . . . .anyone?

s. said...

WORD.

Anonymous said...

You're forgetting that by killing her you'll only make her a martyr. And heaven knows we don't want that.

I suggest making her vegetable or something. That way we'll get a massive media circus about her being a vegetable, and thus if she ever even has a legacy it won't send people into a blind rage, but it will be 'that silly American woman who was a vegetable'. And from there she can fade quietly into obscurity...

Anonymous said...

Kill her public persona. now I think we all know that there is some video out there with her taking it up the ass from thre black guys while she's dressed as a nun. If it isn't let's get it made, she's got skeletons, hell, she practically is one. Someone is hanging on to some juicy photo or vid just crying out to be put out there. NOW is the time!

Lorenzo said...

I've got three black guys, who's got the nun costume?

Anonymous said...

responsible news media=NPR.

matrage said...

yea someone really needs to take that dude out

David said...

Because then we'd have to do the same thing to Bill Maher... then Michael Moore... then Hillary Clinton... then all of Washington, D.C. Who'd be left? What you're advocating is anarchy...

Chez said...

No, actually we wouldn't have to do the same thing to any of the people you mentioned, nor any more of the those you no doubt have in mind (and I'll bet I could name most of them in one guess).

Ann will do just fine.

As for anarchy -- I believe the Sex Pistols said it best...

Anonymous said...

Sorry, advocating anything either in favor or against Ann Coulter is giving her way, way too much power. The best thing that can happen to both her and Paris Hilton would be a world wide outpouring of apathy toward them. What better way could exist to harm an attention whore than to ignore them?

Chez said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

(sighs and shakes head)

faux mccoy said...

...'so i kissed her upside her cranium with a 'luminum baseball bat'

eggggsellent!!! primus is onto something (or perhaps on something, i'll never know)

think of it this way, we'll be putting the world out of her misery and her out of ours. the perfect killing of two birds with one stone.

you rock.