Friday, June 29, 2007


In my e-mail today, an electronic press release:

****For Immediate Relase****

Break an iPhone and make a nerd cry. There's nothing wrong with conspicuous consumption, but the hype surrounding iPhone is completely insane.


This is a simple civil action you can get involved with. On June 29th, 2007, beginning at 6pm Eastern, when you see some overly-thrilled moron prancing out of an AT&T Wireless or Apple store location with his new iPhone box in hand, trip him. This will hopefully cause the iPhone to break and the nerd to cry for hours and hours on end. It will be totally worth it.

Videotape the event and YouTube it if possible. These people need to be stopped once and for all. IT IS A FUCKING CELL PHONE. Thank you, that is all.

On a related and somewhat ironic note, my beloved and sadly emasculated Motorola Razr died today -- no doubt of a broken heart and a general loss of the will to live -- and has been replaced by a new Motorola Krzr. I consider the choice a show of defiance against Steve Jobs and his techo-witchcraft.

It doesn't have a touch screen or a built-in iPod or the ability to watch various nut-shots or police beatings on YouTube or easy access e-mail or a goddamned day planner.

In fact, it's pretty much all style and almost no substance.

Just like its owner.


Caren said...

Aren't you the one who told me once that if someone on the street tried to steal your iPod, you beat him to a bloody pulp?

Everyone has a love/hate relationship with his dealer. I think you need to make peace with yours.

Of course, he's probably the one that gave you the tumor; using radioactive sound waves to communicate his orders subliminally to you and the rest of his bitches.

We're ALL his bitches, don't you get it?

VOTAR said...

My phone is a Sony Ericsson, from Cingular.

It is a device that gives me the ability, after touching nine buttons, to converse with other people a far distance away from me, and also allows me to receive communication from someone who did the same at there end. To notify me that the communication is arriving, a pleasant electronic sound emanates from it. Upon the conclusion of the conversation, I return it to my right front pants pocket.

That is the function for which it was intended. It serves this purpose adequately.

Matt said...

Heh, I know somebody who went to great lengths to assure that they're going to be the first person to get an iPhone in my city. I mean, it seems like a cool cell phone, but it still is, as the e-mail said, a cell phone. The only thing I need out of my cell phone is the ability to call someone and have it sound good enough to at least be able to decipher. Not that I don't like all the gadgets and such in the iPhone, it just isn't necessary. And on a separate note, it was quite coincidental that you got the KRZR. I've been really considering it since my phone has gone to hell and back. Is it any good?

Vermillion said...

Whoever sent that out is a sadist; no self-respecting nerd would let you walk away alive after that. You can screw his girlfriend, punch his grandmother, and shoot his dog. But mess with a nerd's gear?


This message brought to you by an official nerd. I will cut a mothafucka over my FF7 figures. And don't even think about eyeballing my laptop. THAT is how I could just kill a man.

(Like how I brought that back to the Cypress Hill?)

RottweilerTOM said...

insane reason why everyone else in the world hates us..the other reason is George Bush, Jr,

Anonymous said...

I'm not his bitch - perhaps you are. I do the fuckin so that makes him MY bitch

Peter L. Winkler said...

Protest conspicuous consumption how? By buying a nice new cell phone.

Oh, Chez, you are like, wow man, such a rebel.

Chez said...

My phone's provided by the company.

There's no rebellion or anything else involved; it's simply a call to fucking tech services.

That alright with you?