Thursday, June 14, 2007

Girls, Girls, Girls

(Part 1: Heaven's Cates/5.4.07)
(Part 2: Screen Savors/5.9.07)

Part 3: Rock & Roll Queens

It should be obvious by now that I never outgrew my adolescent passion for music; quite the opposite, the importance of having that perfect soundtrack to everyday existence has increased exponentially with age. It goes without saying then that I've always had a weakness for female musicians. There's nothing hotter, cooler or sexier than a woman behind a mic, a guitar, a piano etc. (For the record, my wife sings -- and sings very well -- which melts me every time.)

The thoroughly self-indulgent list of the women I love continues with the ones who literally rock my world.

Shirley Manson

She gorgeous, she's an exhibitionist, she's Scottish, she fronts Garbage -- a band that still stands as one of my favorites, and she's just raw sex. Did I mention that she's also an exhibitionist?

Garbage -- Why Do You Love Me?

Alicia Keyes

My God does this woman have soul. If her monumental talent doesn't sway you, check out how stunning she looks in Smokin' Aces.

Alicia Keyes -- If I Ain't Got You

Alison Goldfrapp

The hypnotic thumping heartbeat of her music is the sound of seduction. If you can't get laid to a Goldfrapp song, give it up.

Goldfrapp -- Twist


The thinking man's musical goddess, she took a lifetime of pain and trauma and turned it into one of the most underrated albums of the last decade -- Haunted. Strength, vulnerability and a little insanity all wrapped up in one mesmerizing package.

Poe -- Amazed (still-frame)

Sheryl Crow

Yup, got a serious thing for her. She's just damn hot.

Sheryl Crow -- If It Makes You Happy

Zia McCabe

I've had a crush on the keyboard player for the Dandy Warhols for as long as I can remember. Anyone who usually plays topless earns an immediate place in my heart.

The Dandy Warhols -- Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth

Neko Case

Sometimes it's all about that indescribable feeling you get when a woman plays a song that you know came right from her heart -- and sings it in a way that makes you believe it's coming from somewhere slightly south of that.

Neko Case -- Maybe Sparrow

Kelly Clarkson

Yes, I like Kelly Clarkson. Go fuck yourself.

Brandi Carlile

I don't care how hard VH1 promotes it or how many idiots first heard it on Grey's Anatomy, her current hit The Story could very well be the best single of the past five years -- by anyone, in any genre. When her voice cracks during the final chorus -- sounding every bit as if it's going to give out completely -- you feel every heartbreak she's ever had, every mistake she's ever made, the weight of a lifetime of tragedy and the power of her desperate cry for help. She's pure and simple passion, and I stand in awe of her.

Brandi Carlile -- The Story

Siouxsie Sioux

No one who grew up in the 80s and had semi-decent taste in music wasn't in love with Siouxsie. My undying devotion was cemented the night she wrapped a feather boa around my neck, pulled my face to within inches of hers and sang Slowdive -- a song about giving head -- to me at a concert in Miami. It took two weeks to get rid of my erection.

Siouxsie and the Banshees -- Christine

Liz Phair

There aren't words to describe how much I love this woman. Liz, if you ever read this -- please for God's sake have sex with me. My wife says it's okay. I swear, if I ever get leukemia or something, that's gonna be my request to the Make-a-Wish foundation.

Liz Phair -- Extraordinary


The real fucking deal. More punk than most punks. I want her to fuck me, then kill me and drink my blood.

P!nk -- U + Ur Hand

Next: The Funny Girls


Anonymous said...

I saw Brandi Carlile open for Tori Amos in Phoenix. I had heard Leonard Cohen sing Hallelujah, heard Jeff Buckley sing Hallelujah, but I never got chills until I heard her sing it. I don't even remember if she played the acoustic accompaniment. I just remember her voice ebbing and flowing through the Dodge Theater and into my very freaking soul.

Thanks for the daily sanity checks, by the way.

Fungi said...

Kelly Clarkson? Really? Kelly Clarkson? Come on man.

Where is Lita Ford?

litelysalted said...

You had me until Sheryl Crow.

Also? I applaud that you're comfortable enough with your heterosexuality to admit that you'd fuck Pink. Kudos!

I can't wait for the funny girls. I better be on that list. ;)

Monique said...

You got song-fucked by Siouxsie Sioux. Grr I can't begin to describe the jealousy.

-Jaynes friend

TK said...

I must guiltily agree with your Kelly Clarkson thing. I don't own any of her stuff, but I get it. Both vocally and looks-wise.

I'd add Jenny Lewis to the list, but that's just nitpicking.

Vermillion said...

Finally got me over here commenting. Funny thing is, I was getting ready to do a similar thing on my blog. Hmph.

I must say, I will have to fight you to the death on a few of these choices. Not that I don't agree, but rather I will have to kill you before I let you beat me to them.

Sorry Madame Jayne. That is just how I roll.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree about Poe's Haunted, it's so fucking beautiful, and just beautifully written. One of my top five favorite albums. I have yet to read the House of Leaves though.

MaliceAlice said...

It's funny about Kelly Clarkson. A lot of people like her and are ashamed to admit it, myself inculded. In fact I think your response is the one I got from most of my friends "So what, I like her. Go fuck yourself." I think the whole American Idol thing put a hipster curse on her. Well, it's not like hipsters really enjoy anything anyways. :P

Anonymous said...

No Feist? Or Emily Haines?

Schwa said...

Siouxsie Sioux just turned 50 last month, and she's still a hottie.

I saw Cyndi Lauper a couple nights ago in concert, and I was a few feet away as my wife Mez got to shake her hand after the show. She's definitely on my list... the woman doesn't age.

I don't think I could write a list like this, because I could go all damn day.

Porrada said...

Susan Anne Dallion sang to you. Bastard.

I was *this* far from her at a club show in Rio...but if I'd been engulfed in flames I doubt she would have seen fit to spit on me.

....she was a little grumpy that night.

/Kelly Clarkson? Dude...
//Pink is teh scary hawtness - but like Kara you'd die a sore, happy man

keenEddie said...

I've always thought Sheryl was smokin' from when I first saw her promoting "Tuesday Night Music Club" back in the day (and, yeah, I can say 'back in the day' now because, Jeebus, it was a while ago, wasn't it?).

And I won't dis you, Chez, with my own lust for Liz in your own blog.

But Liz, if you stumble across this: know that you rock, in every way possible.

Manny said...

What, no Lady Miss Kier?

Kell said...

I object to my Goddess Shirley Manson being on any list that also mentions Kelly Clarkson and Pink...It just doesn't seem right Chez.
Go fuck yourself. (Sorry couldn't resist)

Kell said...

By the way, It's lovely that you and Jayne have an agreement giving you permission have sex with one other previously nominated person if the opportunity ever came up.
My Husband and I have a similar arrangement.
Im allowed to sleep with Phil Jamieson from Australian band Grinspoon, who I pledged my virginity to when I was 15 (he did'nt take it!)
My Hubby on the other hand is allowed one night of wild abandon with Dave Grohl.

Anonymous said...

"Kelly Clarkson? Really? Kelly Clarkson? Come on man."

When will people realize that Kelly Clarkson can freakin SING?!? And rock while she sings. And has managed to remain untainted and unskankified by the Machine of Celebrity. And just fought Clive freakin Davis for the right to put out her album her way. And is freakin adorable!

Just because it came out of American Idol doesn't automatically make it crap.

QueBarbara said...

I was right up with you until Pink; she seems like a poser to me, although I do like her "Stupid Girls" song.

Now, re: Funny Girls; if you list Sarah Silverman I'm going to have to throw a Dane Cook right back at ya.

Crossing my fingers -

Harris said...

I certainly can't disagree with your first two choices, but you realize Shirley Mason has said she's a fan of golden showers. So, you know, make sure you have plently of towels handy. As for Alicia Keyes, well, as a friend of mine once said about a pre-crazy Paula Abdul, "I'd eat the dingleberries out of her butt."

I'll throw you a curve ball, Etta James. She's old. She's fat. She's crippled, but if you try to convice her she ain't the sexiest woman in the room she'll slap the taste out your mouth. The wife and I are going to see her (and B.B. King and Al Green) in August and I may end up putting my marriage in jepoardy.

Marjorie said...

Hehe, Kelly Clarkson, hehe?

Anonymous said...

I mean, everybody loves Kelly Clarkson. Let's all stop pretending like we don't. Or like we're embarrassed of it. The world is only divided into three categories, people who openly love Kelly Clarkson, people who deny loving Kelly Clarkson, and people who haven't heard Kelly Clarkson. Let's just all start being honest with ourselves.

Chez said...

I fucking love Kelly Clarkson. I've already heard her new album and it's damn good.

Plus, chubby or thin, she's adorable.

Fungi said...

unreal. would you like me to buy you a dvd copy of "From Justin to Kelly" for christmas? or do you already own it?

Chez said...


Max said...

Great list Chez. I would like to throw in Fiona Apple and Amy Winehouse for consideration though. They both might have deep personal issues that border on bat-shit crazy, but their voices are truly unbelievable.

Plus, they're usually the type of effed up women I end up dating.

Oh, and that chick from Hanson was pretty hot too...wait...what?

Fungi said...


Chez said...

Uh-huh -- I seem to remember you worshipping at the altar of Avril Lavigne not too long ago.

Metal poser. : )

rayray said...

Thanks for introducing me to Brandi Carlile. I went and downloaded her cd immediately.

Fungi said...

No no no! What I said was "Whoever wrote Avril's first record did a great job. They were great songs." That does not mean I thought she was great.

My 5 year old likes Kelly Clarkson. Her last CD was well written as well. And yes, she has a good voice. But I just can't take her seriously and I am very surprised that you do. Next you're going to tell me that you like Beyonce & Lady Sovereign.

Metal Poser? I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it! I am Rock'n Roll!

Sarah said...

What, no Emily Haines, Karen O, or Jenny Lewis? Come on.

VOTAR said...

I was holding my breath in anticipation of the first mention of Amy Winehouse.

Mark these words: there is nothing sexy or romantic about a drug addict, particularly a girl drug addict. They're kinda fun in the beginning, but after the first few car wrecks / DUI arrests / beds full of vomit / hours staring at tubes pumping charcoal down her throat while she lies strapped to a hospital gurney on New Year's morning...

...well, it just gets tiresome.



Amy "don't wanna go to rehab?"
Amy "say No, No, No?"

Fuck her. Curl up in an alley somewhere and O.D. already. Put the rest of us out of your misery. It takes more than a smokey voice to have talent.

Marjorie said...

I have nothing against K.C. she's great. i just thought of the day when i caught my husband singing one of her songs. It creeped me out.

Adam said...

Fantastic Poe shoutout. I've been shoving Hello into as many hands as I can since I rediscovered it a few months ago. I distinctly remember when Angry Johnny came out disliking it in a non-specific way. Oh youth. I will also second Haunted as magic.

As repayment for bringing me Goldfrapp, reminding me to listen to Brandi Carlile and pimping theSTART a few days ago, I pretentiously offer some recommendations for hot-for-their-voices-among-other-things chicks:
-Rachael Yamagata is a personal favorite for the last year or two, "These Girls" hooked me hard.
-Bitter:Sweet's The Mating Game is a brilliant piece of poptronic retro-esque goodness and frankly Shana Halligan is real pretty
-Anna Nalick is my Clarkson-esque bit of "um, what?" fandom
-My obscure Swedish crush, Rebecka Törnqvist's Melting into Orange is both chill and potent, no idea how to make that sensible
-Erica Driscoll of Blondfire/Astaire has a way about her singing. I'm basically a sucker, I know.

Hope a few of those trip some triggers.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

WTF? Where's Pat Benatar? Talk about someone who still sounds great AND looks amazing at 54 years old. Her daughter is obnoxious though.

I think a lot of people are closet Kelly Clarkson fans. I own "Breakaway" and play it pretty often, much to the horror of my teenage nices. Like the new song, too.

But the best rock grrl out there now hands down is Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil. Listen to "Heaven's A Lie" or "Our Truth." You're welcome in advance.

Chez said...

Yeah -- I'm familiar with Lacuna Coil. Sciabba's great looking, but the Hot Topic wardrobe and the slightly heavier Evanescence thing doesn't do much for me. They're not bad -- just not one of my favorites.

Jennifer Sulkin said...

Dammit Chez.

I am one of those shameless elitists that often gets a pet rant and beats it to death for years.

I am also one of those reasonably rational people that will EAT said rant in the face of overwhelming evidence, and recant. Doesn't mean it tastes good, but I will swallow it all and fake a smile.

List of pet rants I have since swallowed:

Keanu Reeves sucks. He has no magnetism, charisma, or talent to speak of and his agent has clearly made a deal with the devil.
--- Recanted around: The Gift / Constantine

Dane Cook sucks. He has based his career on saying the same phrase in different inflections and hoping people find it amusing. His reality show was ridiculous, and his comedy writing for the most part, blows goats and gives change.
--- Recanted around: Well, I actually didn't, really. But i saw him in "Mr Brooks" (ya'll go see it if you haven't, it's gold), and without being burdened by his own writing, nor being burdened by the requirement to 'play Dane Cook' (ala, Employee of the Month), he was actually rather decent. He did play a twerp, yes, but he was supposed to be a twerp. Hmm.... maybe someone in the casting department had a sense of humor...

and now, #3- Kelly Clarkson Sucks for all of the predictable hipster reasons i feel no need to state.

--- Recanted around: Chez making me watch that video. Shit, kid's got talent, spunk, and spark. Did she write that? Do you know? Her performance was spot on even if she didn't.

I will shout it from the rooftops: I now like Kelly Clarkson, and it's all your fault.

Chez said...

She actually did write it -- and furthermore, it'll shock the hell out of you to know that Mike Watt of the Minutemen and Firehose plays on the record.