Wednesday, June 13, 2007

And Now, Once Again, A Message from Chez's Evil Twin Garth


So, I had German food last night.

Yeah -- little place over on 2nd called Heidelberg or Hindenberg or Hindenbrau or Unibrau or some shit like that. Needless to say, it's still sitting at the bottom of my stomach like a Volkswagen-sized tumor.

Seriously, Germany, what the fuck is up with you people?

Last week I was reading an article in Time magazine that profiled what families in different countries spend on food in a week. Needless to say, the Germans spent the most: an average of about 500 bucks. The magazine showed a picture of one German family standing proudly -- or is it angrily; who the hell can ever tell? -- behind a table that looked like it was about to collapse under the weight of all the shit these four people eat in one seven-day period.

This was a family that obviously learned nothing from the sacrifice of its legendary porcine countryman Augustus Gloop.

(Just to add a nice little ironic exclamation point by the way -- the very next page of the Time article featured a picture of a family from Chad that spends $1.23 a week on Red Cross grain.)

But it's not so much the amount of food these fuckers eat as it is the kind of food.

Look, I like hot dogs and beer as much as the next guy who has no problem with the idea of dying of a heart-attack at sixteen, but I'm not kidding -- everything on the menu at this place last night was some slight variation on the same three or four artery-clogging ingredients. It was like eating at Taco Bell -- only the guys serving you were wearing Leiderhosen and an apoplectic Lou Dobbs wasn't standing right outside muttering something about "infestation."

There was bratwurst and knockwurst and liverwurst -- a good rule of thumb by the way: never eat anything that actually has the word "worst" in the fucking name; there was schnitzel of every shape and size; there was beer being sold in giant glass boots; there were huge people wolfing down appetizers of cheese-coated cheese in zesty cheese sauce; there was an aggregate cholesterol number larger than the GNP of Germany itself.

And although it's certainly the kind of experience that can be tolerated in small doses, something dawned on me while I was sitting there in that restaurant, trying to inconspicuously scan the walls for the portable defibrilator: there's no such fucking thing as "gourmet" German food. Germans don't have "cuisine" -- they just fucking eat. No sublety to be found here folks.

You're never gonna see an Iron Chef Germany. ("Yess, und diis I made mit de zaurkraut unt de wurst to breeng out de flavor off de zeecret ingreedient -- sea urchin. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY!! SCHVEIN UNT DIE SCHLAUS LIEBRING VEISEL!!!! ZEEG HEIL!!! ZEEG HEIL!!!")

Like some bizarre Nazi genetic experiment fusing Julia Child and Dr. Strangelove.

Which reminds me: how the hell did Hitler eat this crap every night and keep a straight face when he claimed that Germans were the master race?

Maybe that's why he invaded France -- to get better food.

Course that still doesn't explain Poland.

(As always, the views and opinions of Garth do not necessarily reflect those of Chez, who has no beef with the German people and who, during his lifetime, has owned both a BMW and an Audi and can say without fear of contradiction that not only do Germans know how to forcibly annex other countries -- they build damn good cars.)

25 comments:

RottweilerTOM said...

Yes, but all you needed to be there was for Spaten Munich on Tap. YUM!

Lily's Mommy said...

Oh gawd you made me drool!!! Worst is german for sausage, btw. :) My dad is from Germany and I was raised on all that shit. Of course, I could never eat eisbein, I think it's boiled pork hock with an inch thick layer of fat on it. I didn't eat blood and tongue sausage after I realized the dark red stuff around the tongue shaped meat kind of looked like blood....

Not all german restaurants are that bad. Thanks to my dad's indoctrination, I mean raising of me, I do cook a mean schnitzel. :)

Emily Blake said...

Ohhhh god.... too funny.... can't breathe....

I lost like five pounds traveling around Europe for two weeks once. Then I got to Germany and gained like twelve.

satan's down home spicy bbq sauce said...

beautiful!

stay gold, chez.

Chez said...

What am I Pony Boy now?

satan's down home spicy bbq sauce said...

do it for johnny!

ak said...

The last time I was at a German restaurant, the roving accordian player was dressed as Kaiser Wilhelm. You don't get Kaiser Wilhelms walking around shouting "oot, oot, oot" at French restaurants, now do you? No you don't.

We didn't actually order entrees ourselves--we just got huge platters of brown things set in the middle of the table. I was afraid of most of it, but the beer was good.

I will give German cooks credit for schnitzel and Linzer tortes (although those might be Austrian).

Anonymous said...

Dude, speaking as a foreigner, I'm amazed you bring this subject up. Have you been eating out in your own country? Every serve of *everything* is about five times what it would be somewhere like France, or Japan, or even Australia. Let's not even go into the contents...

I agree that German food is hideous, but people in glass houses... Man, I was nauseous just looking at what people in the US put into their bodies. Gak!

Chez said...

You know, speaking of glass houses -- I have another stone here handy, can I throw it at your head?

The Madd Hattress said...

"there were huge people wolfing down appetizers of cheese-coated cheese in zesty cheese sauce" LMFAO.... that was worth the price of admission.

Anonymous said...

this was hilarious !

Lorenzo said...

I didn't notice the usual disclaimer. . .I'm supposed to make a joke here, but I just can't think of anything with snaz

Chez said...

Totally forgot the disclaimer -- thanks for the reminder.

Basil F said...

Just out of interest, do you ever think about, mention, read about, or come into any sort of mental or physical contact with Germany or Germans without immediately feeling the need to refer to Nazism and WWII?

Chez said...

I go where the jokes are.

Lighten up.

Laertes said...

hi Chez! have you ever thought about that most of the roots of the american food orginally come from europe? have you ever thought how we europeans look at the american food? most of them reduce it on hamburger, french (!) fries and that's it. i lived in all country you (or should i call you garth) have mentioned and i can tell you for sure that each country has their 5-star-chefs. just ask jayne, she should know. not every german is a blood-sausage sucking nazi and so is neither every american an energy-wasting and war-starting fatass. you are just the best prove of my thesis. however i just read that 60% of all americans are overweight. so you better avoid those german and us restaurants ;-) btw: hitler was a vegeterian and ate mostly pasta with tomato sauce. no kidding!
anyway, i wish you a nice day

Jayne said...

note:

Chez is married to a woman who is 1/4 Pennsylvania Dutch (for those of you who don't know, that's old German... long story.) I grew up around German culture and food, albeit transformed by American bastardization of course. I can also say that it was after I left PA and was introduced to the cuisine of countless other cultures, that I became so passionate about food and hospitality.

I think I'll use this debate to write my next posting on Love Bites this weekend- so stay tuned, kids.

And for god's sake, eat some vegetables, will ya?

QueBarbara said...

Oh geez, you've brought out a memory I had sucessfully repressed for years. My parents used to torture me and my sister by sending us to spend Saturday night with my German-immigrant grandmother. Lawrence Welk on Saturday night, Lutheran church on Sunday morning, and a lunch (dinner) of a sausage ring mit sauerkraut in the middle, and spinach steeped in vinegar with hard-boiled egg mixed in on the side.

Ms. C said...

This is hilarious, though it seems to be about twenty or thirty years too late. Having lived in Germany for half of my childhood and again more recently as a grownup, I can say that the bratwurst/schnitzel/lard/mayonnaise oeuvre has long ceased to be popular, especially among young people. Like the rest of Europe, most Germans have fruit and museli for breakfast, brotchen with cheese and fresh veggies for lunch, fish or chicken or fresh pasta for dinner. They also ride their bikes everywhere and buy most groceries locally grown and organic from markets and specialty shops. Traditional fatty German fare is very popular among American tourists however, who usually want to know why there are no shopping malls and why their rental SUVs don't fit down the narrow streets. ;)

Captain Babypants said...

I come from a long line of hardy Midwestern German Catholic farmers, so as well as the above mentioned wursts I also experienced such "delicacies" as fried brains and eggs and fried hog jowl for breakfast at my grandparents house. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I also have a history of heart disease and diabetes in my family.

The first time I came home to the smell of my mom cooking saurkraut, I wondered aloud who stunk like feet before being informed that that the source of that scent was actually meant for human consumption.

I think the trick is to get good and drunk on German beer before you start eating.

TK said...

I ain't gonna lie - this African boy loves him some wurst. Of course, I eat it once a year, so I think I'm in the clear.

Mmmm... cheese-coated cheese... mmm...

Philip said...

@Anonymous

On the subject of eating out in the U.S., I'm glad that, as an American, I never have to eat American food. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I had a burger. Why would I eat American food when I live in a place where I can eat Thai, Mediterranean, Mexican, Japanese, and a long list of other styles that you seem to assume Americans don't eat. German food pales in comparison, and you don't have to be a gourmet chef to say it.

And as for getting nauseous in a foreign country, you should check out the hot dogs they eat in Chile and Argentina. About 18 inches long with about a 2 inch (5 cm) layer of mayonnaise. But whatever, they can eat what makes 'em happy I say.

@Chez

Please tell me that picture is actually David Hasselhoff. Because if it's you, you look almost exactly like him.

RottweilerTOM said...

Ok this is where it belongs. (Chez please delete my comment in the Missing Inaction post - yes I fucked up)

Thank you Germany for the following:

Reunification

BMW's

Beer

Discipline

Otherwise, everything else - go fuck yourself!

nxu said...

American food, eh? Loaded with grease and comes in huge portions, eh? It's a good thing the dietary habits of the American people were somewhat different in the 19th century, or otherwise the massacre of women and children at Wounded Knee might never have happened, eh?

I go where the jokes are. Etc.

Sara said...

Ugh, so true. I work at a German restaurant. I'm the girl in the dirndl. And the food is crap, even though they bill it as "cuisine" If I never saw another bratwurst or schnitzel again, I'd be a happy girl.