Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Girls, Girls, Girls

(Part 1: Heaven's Cates/05.04.07)

Part 2: Screen Savors

It's safe to say that if my taste in women ran toward the Jessica Simpsons and Carmen Electras of the world, not only would my wife hang her head in shame -- she probably wouldn't be my wife in the first place. Having lived in both L.A. and its retarded little brother Miami (the town that gives creedence to Obi-Wan Kenobi's maxim, "Who's the more foolish -- the fool or the fool who follows him?") I know what it's like to be submerged in a sea of bleach-blonde hair, incomprehensibly large fake breasts and literally three-quarters of an IQ point. Maybe that's the reason why the hot-but-stupid thing has never done it for me; kind of the way the guy working 35 hours a week at McDonald's would rather take a shotgun slug to the chest than even think about a Big Mac -- no matter how many millions and millions might line up for them daily.

As far as I'm concerned, "hot" is easy; it can be attained through any manner of makeup, airbrushing or fancy camerawork. True beauty, on the otherhand, is an infinitely more fascinating and precious commodity; it really is more than skin deep -- the overall indefinable product created by mixing so many other exquisite qualities: intelligence, passion, wisdom, talent, humanity, strength, wit, vulnerability, grace, class, etc. It's ironically both pervasive and elusive, and although often impossible to describe, you always know it when you see it.

Every guy's first loves appear on the big screen, and he always carries a torch for those gorgeous women of the movies.

These are a few of my favorites.

Diane Lane

Make no mistake, young women can be a lot of things -- "sexy" usually isn't one of them. Sexy is something that comes with age and confidence. Diane Lane has that locked.

Naomi Watts

The phrase "Lovely and Talented" was invented for her.

Maria Bello

The woman is a daring force of nature on the screen, and I can't think of any movie star who looks balls-out sexier in leather pants. I want to go drinking with her.

Embeth Davidtz

All kinds of class, plus the ability to convey an astonishing combination of frailty and strength.

Laura Linney

It's inexplicable how someone so warm and radiant can play flawed and insecure so well.

Audrey Tatou

If her mischievous, pixie-like smile in Amelie didn't melt you into a puddle, you're Dick Cheney.

Thandie Newton

The only line Tom Cruise ever delivered convincingly: when he looked into her eyes in Mission Impossible II and said, "Damn you're beautiful."

Rachel McAdams

She's got flawless skin, talent to burn, and Ryan Gosling -- the hands-down best actor of his generation and my admitted man-crush; what's not to love?

Next: The Rock Stars



Aside from little Amelie, and your darling wife who will likely outlive you by decades, there is a conspicuous absense of "Girls, Girls, Girls."

Forgoing the hour or so I might have consumed typing an ironclad refutation of your curious infatuation with these impending victims of menopause, skin cancer, and hair loss, I instead braved certain permanent psychosomatic blindness by crafting this response, a look into The Inevitable that awaits those of us who -- unlike you -- won't be lucky enough to have re-programmed the Kobayashi Maru:

Chez said...

Uh-huh -- and how's that desperate and ongoing attempt to pick up girls less than half your age working out for you pal?

sparksinner said...

Aaaaaahhhh. My eyes.

I blame you Chez, for allowing that link to be posted without additional warnings.

It's irresponsible and depraved, especially after presenting the diverse beauty in your own post.

This will require a heavy dose of hardcore pornography to cure.


Aaaahhh, the Chewbacca Defense!

An admirable reposte, sir.

The success or failure of my pursuits aside, they have always been refreshingly unburdened by the encumbrance of hypocrisy. Nevertheless, the odds will go up sharply in August.


Chez said...

I'll do you the favor of not playing this out in public any further -- since both your logic (Hyporcrisy? Please.) and your general and somewhat sad shallowness when it comes to this kind of thing is already the stuff of legend.

Nothin' but love though; I realize that you're just the fulcrum on the deadly teeter-board of life. I also realize that someone who's dated your ex for ten years on-and-off forfeits the right to criticize ANYONE else's taste in women.


You know I jest. It's just about mathematics, not taste. We all have our battle scars; you've woke up next to your own share of fugglies and psychos before waking up next to Jayne. My search just isn't over yet.

But soon. The basement playroom I've prepared for Jessica Alba is nearly complete, and shortly I have an important road trip to take...

Chez said...

At least there's one woman we can agree on -- that would be Alba, not my wife.

Let me know if you need to borrow my chloroform.

Jayne said...

You don't agree on me?

(wipes away tear...)

Fungi said...

poor votar. see, if you would have listened to me back in the day, you could have gone with me to the button south and padded your stats to double of what they are now. and who knows, it could have been you that slept with the stupidest girl in the world!

S. said...

That's okay Jayne honey. You and I can have a torrid lesbian affair and not let Chez watch!

Chez said...

Hey, nobody has torrid lesbian affairs with my wife but me.

S. said...

Party pooper....

Chez said...

I kid, I kid -- have at it ladies.

damnyanqui said...

Diane Lane not "hot?"
I would expect an alternadude such as yourself would recall "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains" or that classic bit of hyperhormonal rock'n roll silliness "Streets of Fire." Boy, did Diane smote me good.
Hmmm, perhaps I may be showing my own age here...
The fact that she has remained so fine all this time is...
Uh Oh, wife's coming. Gotta go.

Harris said...

Damn, that's a whompin' mess o' whitebread. C'mon, Chez. You lived in fucking Miami. No love for the Latinas? Maria Conchita Alonzo? Salma Hayak? Dare I even suggest a black woman? Sallie Richarson, maybe, or Lynn Whitfield? You've got the same taste in women as Orrin Hatch.

Chez said...

Sorry homeboy -- the Latinas never much did it for me; it's probably because I grew up in Miami. Any reminder of that place elicits the same reaction from me that the mention of Clouseau's name would get from Inspector Dreyfus in the old Pink Panther movies.

And are you slightly blind? Thandie Newton is black.

keenEddie said...

I was just about the same age as Diane when she was in "A Little Romance" so having a crush on her then was about what you'd expect from me, an geeky teen with braces. Ditto when I saw her in "The Outsiders", except, of course, I was much cooler by then.

Why are you laughing?.

Anyway, Diane, thank you for "Unfaithful".

And Maria Bello rocks.

Anonymous said...

Any woman who can work "Army of Darkness", "Mansfield Park" and "Scrubs" into the same resume certainly makes my list. (That would be Embeth Davidtz, just in case you didn't know.)