Greetings from sunny Las Vegas, where I've recently wrapped-up the most comfortable sleep I've had in ages and am now sitting poolside listening to the Stereophonics' Language. Sex. Violence. Other? album on my iPod and waiting for my first, but certainly not last, cherry-bourbon of the day. (Before anyone gives me crap, I'm still on East Coast time.) It's from this enviable remote locale that I once again bring you a few new additions to the list of silly random thoughts that don't necessarily merit a full column. Enjoy.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
A note to all managers -- no matter your particular profession: please refrain from ever attempting to correct an employee's work by looking at him or her in a condescending manner and uttering the words, "Well, don't you think it would work better if..." The only proper response to this -- besides a vicious beating in the face with a boot -- is to say, "No you fucking idiot -- if I thought it worked better that way, I obviously would've done that from the beginning."
There is no clearer or more insulting proof of management's complete lack of faith in you as an employee than the presence of self-flushing toilets in your office bathroom.
Pull the Plug
There is no worse idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas than the following two words: "Korn: Unplugged."
Nom de Douche
Never trust anyone with three first names. Ever.
Hey, Denny's Actually IS Racist
I miss Sambo's restaurants. The place got a bad rap because of the name. I'd knock a few years off my life just for one more bite of their kick-ass French Toast.
Sixx Sixx Sixx
Mitt Romey is the Anti-Christ. Tell me he doesn't look like Damien Thorn in The Final Conflict. Plus, he has a son named Tagg -- which leaves me wondering if he didn't name his other kids Hitt, Buntt, Runn and Free-Agentt.
Save the Date
Match.com is now offering six free months of service to any subscriber who hasn't found a compatible partner within an allotted time period. This is worthless; they should pay for someone to come to your house and perform oral sex on you.
"Secret" anti-perspirant/deodorant is now advertising a "clinical strength formula" version of its product. If you feel that you require this level of wetness and odor protection, please do the world a favor and don't ever leave your fucking house.
Fortune Favors the Fool
Supposedly, one of the most popular shows on Iraqi TV right now features a fortune teller who claims to be able to predict the future of those who call in. Exactly how hard can this be? "Tomorrow, you're gonna be blown to pieces -- thanks for calling."
Does every woman in America have a long-running dysfunctional relationship with her mother? If not, for Christ's sake, why do all chick-flicks not falling into the "implausibly fairy-taleish romantic comedy" category seem to deal with adult women coming to terms with the latent resentment of their mothers for the lifetime of insecurity the elders instilled in the younger? There are millions of men out there still nursing physical and mental scars inflicted upon them by their fathers -- you don't see them bitching about it and longing to revisit the trauma while curled up on the couch with a box of Kleenex. Buck up ladies.
I'm fully behind the plan to lure two wayward whales back out to sea by playing underwater whale sounds in their direction; in addition to saving the lives of the animals, it should also serve to deter the alien space-probe which will begin destroying the planet if it doesn't soon hear the familiar call of the humpback whale.* Unfortunately, because these two whales migrated up to Northern California from Mexico, due to the newly approved U.S. immigration bill, they'll be required to return to Mexico where they can then officially apply for citizenship in the United States.
(*Obscure reference alert)
The Cynicist Manifesto (9.22.06)
The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum (1.31.07)