Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Cynicist Manifesto: Vacation Edition

Greetings from sunny Las Vegas, where I've recently wrapped-up the most comfortable sleep I've had in ages and am now sitting poolside listening to the Stereophonics' Language. Sex. Violence. Other? album on my iPod and waiting for my first, but certainly not last, cherry-bourbon of the day. (Before anyone gives me crap, I'm still on East Coast time.) It's from this enviable remote locale that I once again bring you a few new additions to the list of silly random thoughts that don't necessarily merit a full column. Enjoy.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

A note to all managers -- no matter your particular profession: please refrain from ever attempting to correct an employee's work by looking at him or her in a condescending manner and uttering the words, "Well, don't you think it would work better if..." The only proper response to this -- besides a vicious beating in the face with a boot -- is to say, "No you fucking idiot -- if I thought it worked better that way, I obviously would've done that from the beginning."


There is no clearer or more insulting proof of management's complete lack of faith in you as an employee than the presence of self-flushing toilets in your office bathroom.

Pull the Plug

There is no worse idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas than the following two words: "Korn: Unplugged."

Nom de Douche

Never trust anyone with three first names. Ever.

Hey, Denny's Actually IS Racist

I miss Sambo's restaurants. The place got a bad rap because of the name. I'd knock a few years off my life just for one more bite of their kick-ass French Toast.

Sixx Sixx Sixx

Mitt Romey is the Anti-Christ. Tell me he doesn't look like Damien Thorn in The Final Conflict. Plus, he has a son named Tagg -- which leaves me wondering if he didn't name his other kids Hitt, Buntt, Runn and Free-Agentt.

Save the Date

Match.com is now offering six free months of service to any subscriber who hasn't found a compatible partner within an allotted time period. This is worthless; they should pay for someone to come to your house and perform oral sex on you.

Smelling Assaults

"Secret" anti-perspirant/deodorant is now advertising a "clinical strength formula" version of its product. If you feel that you require this level of wetness and odor protection, please do the world a favor and don't ever leave your fucking house.

Fortune Favors the Fool

Supposedly, one of the most popular shows on Iraqi TV right now features a fortune teller who claims to be able to predict the future of those who call in. Exactly how hard can this be? "Tomorrow, you're gonna be blown to pieces -- thanks for calling."

Maternity War

Does every woman in America have a long-running dysfunctional relationship with her mother? If not, for Christ's sake, why do all chick-flicks not falling into the "implausibly fairy-taleish romantic comedy" category seem to deal with adult women coming to terms with the latent resentment of their mothers for the lifetime of insecurity the elders instilled in the younger? There are millions of men out there still nursing physical and mental scars inflicted upon them by their fathers -- you don't see them bitching about it and longing to revisit the trauma while curled up on the couch with a box of Kleenex. Buck up ladies.

Go Fish

I'm fully behind the plan to lure two wayward whales back out to sea by playing underwater whale sounds in their direction; in addition to saving the lives of the animals, it should also serve to deter the alien space-probe which will begin destroying the planet if it doesn't soon hear the familiar call of the humpback whale.* Unfortunately, because these two whales migrated up to Northern California from Mexico, due to the newly approved U.S. immigration bill, they'll be required to return to Mexico where they can then officially apply for citizenship in the United States.

(*Obscure reference alert)

The Cynicist Manifesto (9.22.06)

The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum (1.31.07)


Anonymous said...

Your're funnier in Vegas. You should live on the left coast (I know you have already.)

All these rants, but nothing on the fat slobs from Georgia with their funny hats sitting in front of a slot machine???

Have a good time Chez, and by the way, how much did it cost to fill up the Miata?

Anonymous said...

Then the whales owe us five thousand dollars, right?

rasaustin said...

You need to switch your choice of cocktails.For a minute there, I thought I was reading a Larry King column in USA Today.

Chez said...

Hey ras, as my mother always used to tell me -- if you don't have something nice to say, fuck off.

Manny said...

So you should be curled up around a beer bong by about 12:30, then? Great!

*Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

.....Shut up

Anonymous said...

The original Sambo's is still operating in Santa Barbara, California. It's about an hour and a half drive from Los Angeles.

216 W. Cabrillo Blvd, Santa Barbara


UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

"Never trust anyone with three first names. Ever."

Heh. I feel the need to agree with you on this one. My ex-boyfriend had a first name, two middle names, and a last name that was a German colloquialism for 'piss.'

VOTAR said...

You like Italian?







I love Italian... and so do you.


Dev said...

I don't know what to be more scared of, the fact that you referenced the worst Star Trek movie ever made, or the fact that I actually got the reference.

Janean said...

I always thought that "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" was the worst Star Trek movie ever made, but that one was so terrible dev's brain probably erased it from concious memory in self defense.

Anonymous said...

It's true, the original is still there - I used to go to there a lot when my grandmother was still alive...of course, it's very possible she actually was racist, but either way the pancakes are fucking brilliant.

It's novel to me that some people actually come out to this city for vacation. I can't imagine what one would do to relax...aside from drugs, obviously, which I understand you don't do (bravo!).

Alex said...

"There is no clearer or more insulting proof of management's complete lack of faith in you as an employee than the presence of self-flushing toilets in your office."

Sadly, there are a lot of people in this world that need this sort of technology around them at all times. If someone can't bother to put their fast food leftovers in a garbage can that is 2 feet away from them, they can't be expected to properly send their shit out of the building.

"...the familiar call of the humpback whale."

Two things:
a) How do they know what the whale song actually says? For all we know it's saying "Don't listen to the humans! It's a trap."
b) By using the whale song, did the government violate any English only laws?

Alice said...

How can you NOT love a movie that gave us the irreverent phrase, "well, a double dumbass on you!"?? Kudos to Chez for allowing it to subjugate his subconscious.

Oh, and aren't they using nuclear wessels to send the whale sounds?

(ok ok, that was bad...put it in your obscure reference pipe and smoke it!)

TK said...

I'll have you know that I have three first names. My last name is a conventional first name, so with first and middle... there you go.


Although, my middle name is "Basil", so that hardly counts. I mean, who's named Basil anymore?

And finally - you drive a Miata?

Chez said...

For the record, as far as I'm concerned it's always time for a "colorful metaphor."

But if you're a regular reader, you damn well know that.

sparksinner said...

Please visit Hawaii sometime. I'd like to see what it looks like through your shit-tinted glasses.

This place is almost as cheesy as Vegas, maybe worse in some ways.

Thanks for keep up on your blog even while on vacation.

whodafucyouthinkitis? said...

shit tinted glasses, i like that. Oh and Chez, dont puke on the heater, im sure you wife doesn't want to clean up toasted vomit again. :p

Chez said...

I'm still so sorry for that. How the hell old am I again?

Schwa said...

There is no worse idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas than the following two words: "Korn: Unplugged."

Unless a tour bus crash and life support equipment are involved.

And Star Trek IV was the best of the bunch, because it made damn sure to acknowledge the ridiculousness of Star Trek.

Paul said...

I really like this quick hits format. Reminds me of our days locked in a cold dark room together for two hours every morning.

girl with curious hair said...

I would have responded to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" sooner, but my boss has been busy parading us in front of out of town 'visitors' this week and politely suggesting ways we can be more effective. The best part is, while talking to our highest ranked visitor, he is speaking slower and louder, as if the poor man is mentally challenged.

Oh, and this Star Trek stuff --very interesting.

Hope you're having fun.

sherry Bithell said...

Okay, entirely beside the point of any of your post, but I must know: what is a cherry-bourbon? I am a bourbon drink and I like cherries (er...), so this little aside intrigued me. Help?

damnyanqui said...

"Star Trek: The Voyage Home" oh yes, very bad. But not as bad as "STV Final Frontier!"
But speaking of obscure movie references, NO WAY does Mitt Romney look like the antichrist Damien Thorn.
Damien was played by Sam Neil. He's a great actor who was obviously struggling on his way up at the time to have been in such a stupid flick.
His hair, however, can't hold a moussed candle to Mitt Romney's.
Mitt has great, albeit fake looking, hair.
Rather than Damien, I'd say Mitt looks like Dudley Dooright's evil twin.