Monday, April 09, 2007

I'll Pretend I Didn't See This

It really is amazing the kind of unmitigated crap you can find on YouTube.

Take for instance a music video which features Fergie -- who twenty-years and several rungs on the evolutionary ladder ago was known simply as Stacy Ferguson -- leading the small but annoyingly Ritalin-deprived TV troupe known as Kids Incorporated.

Now let me take that facial expression you're making -- the one that says "I was incredulous when you first told me that this milk had gone sour, but now that I've ignored your warning and tasted it, I see that you were in fact correct," -- and turn it into one that says something more along the lines of, "After my initial shock at stumbling upon the corpses of the eviscerated family of meerkats, I find that I'm furious at God for allowing such heartless injustice and must therefore kill every living thing within a fourteen mile radius simply to exact some form of necessary revenge for this abomination."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fergie and her fellow Kids Incorporated brood making me wish I'd never heard the Pretenders' classic, Middle of the Road.

If they hadn't done so already, Joe Strummer and Joey Ramone would, in a largely symbolic gesture, die.


(Okay, so maybe there's one mitigating factor -- that would be a chance to see the lovely Martika, who went on to record the inexplicably listenable 1989 hit Toy Soldiers. She was cute-as-a-button as a kid, and grew up to be absolutely gorgeous -- unlike Fergie, who grew up to be Sasquatch.)

20 comments:

Jayne said...

Oh my god- I remember her now! (yes, that's right, your wife used to watch Kids Incorporated.)

wow.

Chez said...

Remember that baby we were going to make tonight?

Its soul will continue to drift around in the firmament looking for a home -- very, very sad that you blew the chance to provide it one.

litelysalted said...

I never watched Kids Incorporated so I thought this video was going to scientifically prove that the howler monkey up there is in fact a human female. But I still don't buy it. There's no way that little girl is Fergie. Fergie probably started that rumor herself like that whole thing with Paul Pfeiffer being Marilyn Manson. Nice try, Fergie.

Jayne said...

I cannot believe you just said that. You suck.



K! - I! - D! - S!

matty blue said...

...by the way, according to wikipedia, the chorus for 'toy soldiers' included fergie and...wait for it...jennifer love hewitt.

that cracks me up.

Jayne said...

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Mario Lopez were both KI cast members. :)

I know, Chez. You can't believe you married someone who was so uncool.

TK said...

Sweet humpin' Jesus. Chez, I'm dying to know... what were you looking for when you stumbled across this? I must know.

Fergie reminds me of what Sasquatch would look like if he was 5'5" and went through a sex change. She literally scares and disgusts me, visually and musically.

Enjoy your icy cold side of the bed tonight.

Prophet of Ra said...

Chez,

Jayne is not the one to blame for the fact that the late 80's and early 90's was a wretched time in American Pop Culture. The fact is she made with what she was given. We all tried our best and made it through all right. Blaming all of the brainwashed zombies of the 90's for the 90's is like blaming the horses on a merry-go-round for the ride. They seem to enjoy it, but in reality they are simply passengers like the rest of us.

RottweilerTOM said...

their parents should be HUNG!

MAW said...

Did you also notice that one of the kid dancers is listed as "Mario Lopez"?

Ah A.C. Slater, you came from such humble beginnings.

I'm also fairly certain Fergie kept all of those shorts from her KIDS days and wears them still today.

Kara said...

It's okay Jayne - I watched it too. Wasn't it on at the buttcrack of dawn on Saturday mornings? I think I actually got up early for it.

JUDEH WAVEH BEN VOTAR JUDEH WAVEH said...

Saturday mornings in the 80s for me were typified mostly by hangovers.

Mmmmm...Coors. Yeah.

I can honestly say I have never seen or heard of this show.

mrmook said...

Whoa!

This shit is wickedly subversive. It's practically Evil Genius.

They've got CHILDREN belting out Chrissy Hynde's angry ass "Middle of the Road" on a Sat. morning TV show being beamed to young mushy minds all over the country.

I wish I'd been in on that meeting... no... strike that.

Fergie????

Schwa said...

And from an even deeper circle of the same Hell I give you Kids Incorporated fanfiction:

http://www.kidsincorporated.us/fanfiction.htm

micheal said...

*makes an inappropriate request to fill in for chez if he doesnt want to fullfil his husbandly duties now*

LiteraryAlchemist said...

You don't know the horror! Those of us residing in San Antonio are having Mario Lopez shoved down our throats for the next ten days!!!

1. Evidence Item I:
http://www.fiesta-sa.org/event_detail.aspx?event=FFP

2. Evidence Item II:
http://www.fiestaflambeau.org/Grand%20Marshal.htm

WHY! WHY WHY WHY! And there are COMMERCIALS!!!

***

Anyone else open DEM yesterday or today and see that YouTube freeze frame and think:

"TONIGHT WE FEAST ON MANFLESH!"

Manny said...

Wow, thanks for that little tidbit. Thanks to you I was subjected to my girlfriend trying to track down every KIDS Inc video on YouTube and forcing me to sit there and relive her childhood memories as I tried not to put my head through the screen. Not my idea of a great Sunday evening.

Bastard.

Groundloop said...

I know I'm a little late on this (been working crazy hours), and it might be lack of sleep, but that Kids Inc. video caused me to giggle uncontrollably.

And Chez...

awesome blog. I'm looking forward to your book. Keep it up.

Tracer Bullet said...

You. Are. A. Horrible. Person..

I know Fergie-bashing is the new cool-kid sport but, once she takes a good hot shower and gets some clean clothes, I'd give her a tumble. Certainly before Martika who seems like the kind of woman who says things like, "Our souls met centuries ago."

Chez said...

Tracer:

I'll take the whole meeting-centuries ago thing over coming down with a natural strain of anthrax.

Micheal:

Sorry pal, husbandly duties are still very high on my list of likes.