Monday, March 19, 2007

The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum

Part of the ongoing series of random thoughts which don't necessarily merit a full post.

Alone Again, Or?

Sometimes it's preferable to go completely without than it is to settle for something awful: never eating pizza at all beats even once having to work your way through the crap served by Pizza Hut; being utterly deprived of television would be a profound improvement over a prime time schedule filled with Gray's Anatomy, Ugly Betty and According to Jim; it would be better to be dead than be forced to live in Corpus Christi, Texas, etc.

This belief holds especially true when it comes to relationships.

It's a hell of a lot more desirable to be alone than it is to be saddled with an idiot (yes, even one who's talented in bed).

I'm sure that at some point I'll expand on this idea, but for the moment two types of people come to mind that I can highly recommend you avoid like the black guy at a NASCAR race.

#1. Women who love football

Yeah, I know, most men think they've struck gold if they happen to stumble across something that doesn't simply tolerate their Sunday fix but actively participates in it and happens to have a place up front in which to put their penises from time to time. You know what though -- think about the women you've met in your lifetime who really love football. I'm not talking about the ones who are more than happy to get into it once in awhile; I'm talking about the ones who love it -- the ones who own jerseys and know stats and believe there's nothing the least bit offensive about Budweiser in a plastic cup and scream as loudly as you do when the ref makes a lousy call and are equal parts furious and heartbroken when their QB chokes during the playoffs.

Now think about arm hair, a lack of decent fashion sense, the inability to apply make-up, an intellect that rivals that of a Slinky, a CD rack full of Creed & Daughtry and front-row seats at the Nickleback show, the inability to take her to dinner anywhere more upscale than TGIFridays and -- should you stick around -- the distinct possibility that she'll eventually either A) begin sleeping with one of her seventeen-year-old students, or B) leave you for that woman she met in the drill-bits section of Home Depot.

If you're lucky, she'll just be really, really average.

#2. Anyone who uses the term "My Boys," or conversely, "My Girls"

No, seriously -- just punch this person in the face and get it over with.

Burn, Hollywood, Burn

It's one of the universe's most puzzling conundrums: HBO's Entourage bills itself as a comedy, and yet is never funny. Never. Like, not even once in awhile.

I'm not entirely sure who the core audience is for this show, but after much internal debate I think I can safely say that America's collective IQ could be raised substantially in a very short amount of time if these people were forced to register with the government for immediate relocation to offshore internment camps. It's simple conditional science really: if you watch Entourage because you think it's funny, you're either hopelessly deluded or just incredibly dumb -- since it's not -- and are therefore a prime candidate for the camps; if you watch Entourage because you're truly fascinated by the day-to-day triumphs and tragedies of four vapid, over-indulged and underworked assholes whose lives revolve around bedding girls you can't have, making money you'll never see, living a life you'll never live and buying $300 t-shirts at Fred Segal then discussing how they look in them -- once again, you're perfect material for the camps; if you watch because you'd like to in some way emulate the aforementioned assholes -- off to the camps; if you watch because you work in Hollywood and either hope you might see yourself on TV, or simply think that the life you lead is so goddamned amazing that, well, everybody wishes they could be a part of it, right? -- fuck the camps, you get a beating at the hands of ten Brooklyn teamsters who've been told that you're a gay athiest who raped a ten-year-old boy from the neighborhood.

Given that America is inundated with the idiotic real-life antics of young, spoiled Hollywood every day from every conceivable media outlet -- why the hell would anyone possibly choose to suffer through an unfunny TV comedy about said same?

Hug this out, bitch.

(The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum -- 1.31.07)

(The Cynicist Manifesto -- 9.22.06)


Schwa said...

#2. Anyone who uses the term "My Boys," or conversely, "My Girls"

No, seriously -- just punch this person in the face and get it over with.

Same with anyone who uses the phrase "The Boy" or "The Girl" to refer to their significant other. Please, this is too precious! And byt the way, it's pathetically demeaning as well. I'm not married to a girl, I'm married to a woman, and you know why? I like women because I'm a grown fucking adult.

Way too many of my friends are guilty of this trend.

rasaustin said...

Wow - I have to disagree with you on two fronts:
1) Yes, Corpus Christi sucks out loud. But, you're just a short drive from Port Aransas.
2) The football fan woman? She may be rude & crude, but I'll bet a year's wages she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Chez said...

No offense man but South Texas is literally the worst place on earth -- Port Aransas or no Port Aransas.

And if I wanted something that was good only for sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch I'd get myself some muriatic acid and a shop-vac. Coincidentally, they'd be just about as bright as the Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" type you're describing.

TeenieBopper said...

What if I watch Entourage because I have a giant man-crush on Jeremy Piven?

Chez said...

I'd say that you still owe me and the rest of the world an apology for America's Sweethearts Cusack.

TK said...

Guilty. I kinda like Entourage.

Although, to be honest, I don't follow it (or any other TV show) regularly. I'm one of the rare beasts that has two televisions in their house, and watches roughly 1.5 hours per week. Part of the reason I put the TV in the basement was to cut down on consumption.

As for women who love football, they fall into two camps - those raised with a lot of brothers, and those who do it because they, like, have, like, SO many guy friends, and, like, TOTALLY like hanging out with guys more than, like, girls.

And those girls? Yeah. Off to the fucking camps.

Anonymous said...

thank you for saying out loud what torments my soul every time I bother to think about it. Plus, Jeremy Piven has been in desperate need of a beating ever since Lucas. That pile of excrement he serves up on HBO only intensifies my desire to beat him senseless with a tire iron.

Manny said...

I've never even seen Entourage, although I am aware of it. Actually, I don't watch any television as I don't have cable, and the antennae is not even connected. My tv mainly serves as an impromptu mantle and watching any of the 200+ DVD's I own.

As far as the "My boys", I would have had to regularly put a hurtin' on my old roommate. Just picture an amalgam of very black stereotype you can imagine rolled into one. Now couple that with a mind boggling sense of entitlement.

Yeah. That was what I lived with for the better part of two years.

Who's got two thumbs and problem with hip hop "culture"?

This guy!!

Rachel said...

As for #1, Isa is going to cut you. And nary a Daughtry or Creed cd in sight. So is she the exception that proves the rule?

Anonymous said...

I drove down Rossmore/Vine the other day and passed an episode being filmed. The swelling of commitment to all my brethren (aka ma boyz & gulz) was almost enough to fulfill my duty and destroy each of them with one swift move of the V-Dub wheel. Then I just realized (Hollywood would) just replace (the show) with something proably more annoying that pushes pop culture to the next sub-level of hell.

That sound you just heard was Marky Mark being nominated for an Oscar, Paris Hilton acting in a movie (and not getting killed in the first 3 minutes by a super-VD), and Jack Bauer doing more in 5 minutes then you did in the 90's.

Dayum I love living in Babylon, CA 90010 baby!

Emily Blake said...

Wow. You hate me. You really hate me.

I say "my girls" when I'm talking about going out on the town with them. They're mine. They belong to me. And sometimes, when I'm in a room full of my guy friends and there's no other girls around, I call them "my boys".

And I like Entourage. It amuses me. I find Johnny Drama quite hilarious.

I don't think the charm of Entourage is that people want to live this lifestyle when they see it on HBO. I think the charm is that we see the ridiculous strings attached to the lifestyle.

I don't dig football, though.

But you know what? You can hate me all you want, buddy, but I'm going to see Battlestar again this weekend with my friends the writers for the show. So there.

Fungi said...

wow. what the fuck happened to you? how do you not like Entourage? that show was tailor made for us. if this show was on during "tribal meetings" we would be on the floor pissing ourselves. equally as funny as a black santa. you really don't find ari gold funny? or johnny drama funny? you're getting old, fucko.

you don't like Entourage, but you cried when Starbuck was killed on that piece of shit show? i'm ashamed to know you right now.

ps. when i was putting cory in the car this weekend, this accidentally came out of my mouth "get in the car junior".

Chez said...

Uh-huh -- if you say so man.

Anonymous said...

I constantly find myself reading your blog and nodding, if not laughing, regularly. But...I love Entourage. Here in Canada, we have been playing catch-up, and I watched a whole bunch of episodes this past weekend. I think it's well-written, and I have laughed a lot while watching.

To each their own, I guess. Please don't send me off to a camp.

-Rob in Canada

cruella dahling said...

Oh, Chez, you have cut me to the bone. I LOVE football. I DON'T listen to Daughtry, Nickelback or any of the aforementioned bands, I dress ok, and I definitely don't have armpit hair. I just like it. And, the tight pants don't hurt....

However, I do detest Entourage. Immediately after Rome/Six Feet Under/Sopranos, HBO goes off. Jeremy Piven is a narcissistic shit and the rest of the cast is just ....neh.

And, I heartily agree with punching those jerks.

kali said...

#1. Women who love football

I've been saying that for years. Friends of mine always think that it would be so great to have a chick like that only to then realize that it's like Communism. It sounds great in theory.

#2. Anyone who uses the term "My Boys," or conversely, "My Girls"

Guilty as charged. I have been known to use "My boys" out in public. If you punch me in my face you'll be forced to compensate me with sushi.

Entourage. I love this show. Love it. I can see how it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but I 'Bond-villain' laugh everytime I watch Ari Gold go off on someone, only slightly due to the fact that I want to do naughty things to Jeremy Piven.

Would I still be able to visit this site from my assigned internment camp?