Monday, February 26, 2007

Fool's Gold

25 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made to Each Other while Watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. "Who turned Spike Lee into a Muppet?"

2. "Jessica Biel's twenty-four -- she can totally pull off the nipple thing."

3. "What the hell did Penelope Cruz just say?"

4. "Oh look, Santa left a dead girl under the tree." (Upon seeing Nicole Kidman)

5. "I can't believe that Velvet Jones here goes down on Portia De Rossi every night."

6. "I wonder if they'll make Adriana Barraza stay and clean the place after everyone leaves."

7. "Didn't anybody good die last year?"

8. "Hi, I'm Cameron Diaz -- and I'm walking funny because I totally had to do anal with Djimon Hounsou to get a ticket here tonight."

9. "Do you wonder if Middle-America suddenly feels a solidarity with Hollywood now that it's being taken over by foreigners? 'There ain't no way we're gonna let a bunch a' them Mexkins come in here and start thinkin' they can make better movies than Sofia Coppola! Not on my watch!'"

10. "What'd I miss? Did L.A. mercifully sink into the ocean while I was peeing?"

11. "No, seriously -- what the hell is Penelope Cruz saying?"

12. "Academy-Award-Winner Reese Witherspoon (pause, then uncontrollable laughter)."

13. "Hey look, it's the other girl from Dreamgirls."

14. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Upon scanning the dial during a commercial and coming across a hysterically alarmist bit of Fox News Channel counter-programming called Reel Politics: If Hollywood Ran America.)

15. "Ah yes, this is sure to liven things up -- James Taylor and Randy Newman."

16. "He loves San Dimas!" (While watching Clint Eastwood translate for Ennio Morricone)

17. "Is Alan Arkin high?"

18. "I get the feeling that Travolta's spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to curl his penis under and screw his own ass. He's just got that look."

19. "I'd like to thank God, for crushing the dreams of those four other women and pushing them further toward prescription painkiller abuse."

20. "George Miller? Is that the same George Miller who directed Mad Max and the Road Warrior? Damn -- if I had known that Happy Feet could end with a bunch of penguins being dragged through the dirt by Wez and the Toe-cutter I might've bothered to see it."

21. "I've gotta throw up." (I was sick to my stomach all night -- a problem no doubt exacerbated by the Oscars.)

22. "Hi, I'm Tom Cruise -- remember me?"

23. "What, did Jay-Z not make it through the metal detector?"

24. "We've come this far -- we may as well stay up for the rest of it."

25. "At least Renee Zellweger wasn't there."


Jayne said...

I wonder if they'll figure out which ones I said...

Chez said...

They're all yours.

And you're a potty-mouthed smart-ass.

Jayne said...

Aw, baby, you're so good to me.

VOTAR said...

Happy Feet directed by Mad Max's George Miller...that explains it. That movie is nerve-wracking.

The only observation that came to me (I was, uh, busy through most of the broadcast): I love Forrest Whitaker, and I'm thrilled to see that guy get an Oscar. But... by the end of his acceptance speech, he looked so uncharacteristically fired up on a testosterone rush I thought he was going to climb to the top of the Kodak Theatre, knock an antenna off the roof, and beat his chest screaming while tiny biplanes shot at him.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

1. Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until they have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

2. Relax, I can fix it. My old man is a television repairman and he's got this ultimate set of tools.

3. Jayne, possessing the far superior wit, obviously came up with all the funny stuff. Nice job!

4.Chez, err ... sorry to hear about your tummy ache. Hope you're feeling better.

Harris said...

I'm am offended by the suggestion that Djimon Hounsou would buttfuck a bony-assed white girl like Cameron Diaz. Helen Mirren, on the other hand . . .

theodicy said...

My favorite is this one:

"16. "He loves San Dimas!" (While watching Clint Eastwood translate for Ennio Morricone)"

...only because I'm one of the few (maybe only) people to know where that reference to San Dimas came from, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. I think it was Socrates who said it, but not 100% sure...but I'm pretty sure it must have been a Chez comment.

There were only three films that came out this year that I enjoyed: Little Miss SunshineK (yes, Alan Arkin was definitely high), Cars, and The Devil Wears Prada. I guess only Sunshine won some trophies or what not, oh well--it was my favorite of the three, Alan Arkin's advice to his grandson was one of the funniest bits I've seen in the movies all year. That screenplay absolutely deserved it's little golden statue, yes sir...

I didn't watch the Oscars, just a read a bit of the news coverage, but I guess Ennio got a statue too...which he deserves just for the music from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, a favorite film here at the abbey. He also did a fantastic job on the score for a little known, but extremely good film called The Mission, which is even more popular amongst the brothers. (damn Jesuits...)

<>< TM

Chez said...

He should've won for the Mission; it was an excellent soundtrack.

Emily Blake said...

"He loves San Dimas."



Was it just me, or did everybody look like they wanted to crawl up inside Al Gore and become him? I think backstage he was the central part of an Acadamy Award winning orgy.

namron said...

I thought you might be a touch too old for the Bil & Ted reference. "So-Crates" was my favorite from that movie.