Monday, February 26, 2007

And Now, a Message for Judge Larry Seidlin from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth


Kill yourself.

No seriously man, just fucking kill yourself.

All you had to do was conduct yourself like a professional -- to rise above the insanity that was dumped into your courtroom every day like garbage trucks filling up a goddamned landfill and maybe, maybe, be the one mature adult who brought some dignity and decorum to the proceedings. I mean, that was your job, right? You're a fucking judge; it's in your job description to be wise and just.

But no -- that shit was too much to ask.

Instead, you pretended that you were auditioning for Catskills Idol. You made sure that no matter what was going on, that camera was trained right on you at all times and that you were giving Hollywood the show of a lifetime baby. Like everyone else involved in the fucking miasma known as the death of Anna Nicole Smith, you were a despicable opportunist who saw the chance to grab the spotlight and maybe come out of this thing far better off than when you found it.

Congratulations, maybe you have. Maybe through your incoherent rambling, your tasteless off-handed comments, your painful Bronxian folksiness, your CRYING for Christ's sake -- maybe you earned yourself exactly what you wanted: your own permanent television show. Maybe you'll be the next Nancy Grace -- certainly the loftiest of goals amongst legal professionals these days. I mean really, how hard is it? All you have to do is piss on every bit of your commitment to responsible jurisprudence and you're halfway there.

I read an interview with your wife over the weekend. My first reaction was to marvel at the fact that someone actually looked into those weepy little eyes and listened to that annoying fucking accent and thought to herself, "Yeah, this is what I really want to wake up to every day for the rest of my God-forsaken life." I felt pity for her -- really. But then I got a little further into the interview and she started babbling about how brilliant you are; how compassionate; how you deserve that TV show you want, and I realized that she's as much of a fucking idiot as you are. It's always heartwarming when stupid people find each other, although it's nothing short of tragic for the rest of us because it's all but guaranteed that they'll reproduce.

Look, I'm gonna wrap this up because I've wasted too much time on your sorry ass already, and besides, I need to start scanning the internet for pictures of Jessica Biel in that see-through top she wore to the Oscars last night -- but in case I haven't made myself clear, let me say it again.

You're a fucking hack. A shame. An embarrassment to the legal system.

You don't deserve a television show, and that should never have been your goal to begin with.

What you deserve is a missing battery in a carbon monoxide detector.

Fucking louse.

(As always, the views and opinions of Garth do not necessarily reflect those of Chez who's still trying to iron out that thing with the guy that happened awhile ago down there in South Florida, and could use all the judicial help he can get.)

9 comments:

RottweilerTOM said...

Thanks you Chez!

protest said...

it's about god damn time someone said this. it seems like everyone who touches this woman's life (or death) turns into a schmuck.

rasaustin said...

Chez, what you have been witness to is nothing more than the entertainment world's version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".
This phenomena occurred well back in the early nineties when "Hard Copy" first went syndicated. News programs were level-headed & objective... now the competition for ratings and sensationalistic glory have turned the Fifth Estate into nothing more than a trailer-park cesspool (as you have noted in past musings).
The next "wave" struck with "Survivor"... calling all attention whores - your opportunity to shine in the spotlight has arrived! Networks found that they didn't have to spend big production bucks to get big ratings. Thus, you got shows like "Who Wants to Fuck My Paralyzed Midget Wife".
And now, the trifecta Is complete... welcome the "American Idol" mystique to the table... where every two-bit hack can have their moment in the spotlight. William Hung would still be out of our conciousness if it weren't for this show.
The next big thing? Amateurs making their own commercials. I'll bet the creative directors on Madison Avenue are shitting their pants, now that they've been exposed as the same grade as Molly from Kansas City, who can sing in the shower and make a soap commercial.

F. Pants McFadden said...

Amen. He's an embarrassment.

However, as an employee of the federal judiciary, I would like to point out that he is a Probate judge, not a REAL judge.

Still....

choenbone said...

GARTH, oh how we've missed you! welcome back...

Manny said...

Thank you!!!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks that sack of gastric gasses is an embarassment to the American Judicial system. Like it doesn't have enough problems being taken seriously already.

This is to you "Judge" Seidlin:

For fucks' sake, you're a God damn judge! You're the guy that's supposed to make sure cases like this don't turn into a three ringed circus. Two baby daddy, a gold digging mom, corrupt Bahamian politicians, a walked out ex stripper strung out on methodone and a partridge in a pear tree. Unfortunately, you felt it neccessary to make sure you brought in the God damn bear in a tutu riding a tricycle: namely YOU.

You sit there and stare at both sides looking like a kid with down syndorme lost at the mall. I mean, crying in court?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! I'd bet my life that you have a diagram under for your gavel under your desk that says: "In case of credibility, break glass".

The last chance this case had to keep from turning into an unedited episode of the Ricki Lake show was for, oh I don't know, a JUDGE of any kind to put his fucking foot down, tell those two parasites to put a sock in their God damn mouths, make what those in the legal forum call a "ruling" and call it a day. But no, we have to be subjected to "Judge Larry Live" and his audition for a future run of the Surreal Life.

Thanks for bitch slapping lady justice. Thank a bunch, you prick.

The next time you pick up your gavel I want you to do two things:

1. Take a long hard look at the facts.
2. Reverse your grip on it and stab yourself in the eye.

ames said...

I am completely unsurprised that your opinions precisely match my own regarding this moron. As I've commented before, you (almost- must take care not to stroke your ego too much, for Jayne's sake if no other) always can articulate my own disgust at the state of our media/government today.

For god's sake, isn't anyone within the legal system going to call this guy on his histrionics???

I remain disgusted by the irreverence, while being morbidly fascinated with the circus. And that, of course, is what is driving all of this- we watch it.

Chicken? Egg? Does it matter?

I'm starting to think Garth is my evil twin, too.

Nancy said...

Garth, don't tell Chez, but I think I'm falling in love with you, too.

namron said...

Garth, "W's" evil (and smarter) twin thought that the governor should appoint all of the trial-level judges in Florida. He pronounced that only he,being the most moral of all men, could select the best jurists possible. Larry Sedlin might be proof that Jeb could have been right.