Monday, January 29, 2007

Miami: Putting the "Fun" in Funeral

This coming weekend my hometown of Miami will clear the dead bodies from the streets, kill as many of the man-eating cockroaches as possible, spray a little extra Windex on the glass case covering the giant statue of San Lazaro out in front of the Elian Gonzalez Memorial Crappy-Old-House and Museum, and of course, beg its twitchy population to please not shoot the tourists -- all in preparation for Super Bowl XLIXCCBMWNAMBLA. South Florida will once again serve the purpose for which it's suited best, namely as an uber-hip place to go for a weekend of drunken debauchery, followed by a quick departure, lest you eventually find that your name has somehow turned up on 327 absentee ballots in favor of electing Raul "Chucho" Pajon as mayor of Hialeah in the next general election.

Make no mistake, Miami shines up real nice, and it throws a decent tailgate party. This is important to keep in mind, being that the city is now planning, quite literally, the ultimate bowl bash.

Call it the "Castro Bowl*."

Like someone who's escaped a cult and now devotes his life to making others aware of the secret torture he and others like him have been forced to endure, I've more-than-once mentioned the unmitigated lunacy that accompanies my hometown's obsession with Fidel Castro (High Fidel-ity 8/3/06). I've also commented on controversial statements made by Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo, who called Miami a "Third World country" (Ciudad del Futuro 11/28/06). The fact is there's nothing "controversial" about it; Tancredo's right -- even if he is an idiot. But now there's this: a story in today's Miami Herald detailing a plan by city leaders to throw a giant "Castro Death Party" in -- oh, this is beautiful -- the Orange Bowl. In keeping with the Cuban exile community's long tradition of class and subtlety, its leaders -- in particular, city commissioner and unparalleled buffoon Tomas Regalado -- are recommending that Miami's legendary football stadium be the central location for a massive festival of brassy music, salsa dancing, fried food, t-shirt stands, ass-grabbing by teen hoodlums in do-rags, and no doubt anything else they can think of that will reinforce the worst kind of Hispanic stereotypes.

So far most of the city's leaders are on board, however in a rare and stunning moment of lucidity, Cuban-American activist Ramon Saul Sanchez is warning that a giant party celebrating the death of a Third World dictator might not do much to help Miami shake its image of actually being part of the Third World itself. Sanchez also brings up an obvious point: the death of Fidel won't mean the death of a communist government in Cuba; Castro's brother Raul will simply take the reins and it'll be business as usual. Rejoicing in the death of Fidel is like celebrating the resignation of George W. Bush; sure it may be fun for a few minutes, but then, well, Cheney.

So as you're watching this weekend's Super Bowl(TM), remember to give your travel agent a call and let him know that you want to make plans for South Florida's real bowl party. Just make sure he knows that the dates are subject to change. This is Castro we're talking about; he may seem sick now, but the man will likely still be alive long after the Orange Bowl has crumbled into dust.

(*Sponsored by Gus Machado Buick, WQBA, Westland Mall, Alpha 66, Marisleysis's Hair Salon and Elian Separation-anxiety Psychotherapy Center, the Gloria Estefan Plastic Surgery Fund and Zapatos de Hombre of Little Havana.)



"Make no mistake, Miami shines up real nice, and it throws a decent tailgate party."

Actually, uh, no, this year it does not.

County authorities, along with the Department of Homeland Security, the NFL, and the FBI, have banned ALL tailgate parties...

...not just in the stadium...

...not just in the stadium's parking lot...

...but in a ONE MILE RADIUS around the stadium.

You know, terrorists with hot-dog shaped C-4 charges and all.

How exactly this policy can possibly be enforced is completely beyond me. How anything even remotely resembling this policy could even be imagined with respect to the impending "FIESTA ENTIERRO GIGANTE DE FIDEL!!!" is impossible.

Christy said...

If the Super Bowl had any affiliation with NAMBLA I might just watch it - my heart brimming with delight and contentment knowing that the players, establishment and maybe even viewers now recognize how thoroughly aberrantly gay they are.