Friday, January 05, 2007

2006: Year of the Douchebag


The Ground Rules

First, if you haven't done so already, please read part one of this segment before continuing; it will help you to understand both the rationale for creating this compilation, and the specific definition of the word "douchebag" which has been applied in the decision-making process. That said, as this list is intended to prove that 2006 was, in fact, a transcendent year in the realm of douchebaggery, it will not feature or highlight any person or persons who did not contribute any more douchebagginess this year than they had in previous years (e.g., George W. Bush cannot be granted a position on this list, despite the fact that he is a douchebag of earth-shattering proportions, simply because he did nothing this year that we haven't already come to expect from a douchebag like him; the same holds true for Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, O.J. Simpson and Matt Drudge. It should be stated however that Dick Cheney, despite shooting an old man in the face in 2006, is not on the list primarily because he isn't a douchebag so much as he is pure, unadulterated evil). Only those whose douchebagginess was specifically prominent or noteworthy between the dates of January 1st, 2006 and December 31st, 2006 will be eligible for consideration. Also, among the factors taken into account in determining a person's or group's ranking on this list, special recognition will be given to those who are not only douchebags themselves, but who influence others to become douchebags and therefore contribute to the overall cause of continued worldwide douchebaggery. Finally, the likelihood that a person's or group's douchebagginess will never rise above that displayed during the past year will also be considered when determing their rank, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.

And so, without further ado -- send in the douchebags.


#10 -- James Frey

Massengill Scale: 2 pts Vinegar/8 pts Water/100 pts Bullshit

The Facts:
Living proof that, as we often tell our children, you really can be anything you want to be in life -- as long as you're a talented liar and have the blessing of Oprah -- James Frey went from being a hack screenwriter to being a hugely successful hack novelist thanks to his best-seller A Million Little Pieces. Unfortunately, he never bothered to tell anyone that he was, in fact, a novelist. It wasn't until January of 2006, when The Smoking Gun website revealed that 90% of Frey's "memoir" was nothing more than fabricated nonsense, that Little Jimmy's pieces really began to fall apart. Not long after that, Oprah revealed that 100% of Frey's supposed tough-guy persona was fabricated nonsense by bitch-slapping him on national television and banishing him to the Phantom Zone of cultural obscurity as only Ms. Winfrey can.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Attempting to perpetuate the well-crafted illusion that he's Mickey Rourke circa 1987, Frey, in his follow-up "memoir" My Friend Leonard, detailed the difficulties he had as an "artist" watching his brilliant screenplay ruined by a moronic director, a lousy actor and an uncooperative studio in what was an obvious attempt to blame anyone he could think of in an effort to distance himself from 1998's decidedly un-bad-ass flop Kissing a Fool, starring Douchebag Hall-of-Famer David Schwimmer.

Mitigating Factor: He did embarrass Oprah; that's gotta be worth something.

Dishonorable Mention: Judith Regan, who managed to prove that there are grotesque spectacles even Rupert Murdoch will refuse to be associated with, when she watched her pet project -- O.J. Simpson's sickening book and TV special -- die its own violent and public death at the very last minute. Her job soon followed suit.


#9 -- Danny Bonaduce

Massengill Scale: 4 pts Vinegar/6 pts Water/32 pts Vodka/15 pts Anabolic Steroids/127 pts Ham

The Facts:
What can you possibly say about a man who has the word "douche" right in his name? 2006 was a big year for Danny Partridge, as he proved that there was absolutely no depth of ludicrously shameful self-exploitation he wasn't willing to plumb to remain on television -- even if it meant being sandwiched (no pun intended) in between Celebrity Fit Club and The Surreal Life on VH1. Breaking Bonaduce proved to be a modest success, as Danny drank, stomped, cursed, raged, threatened to kill his wife and just generally confirmed that either child stars should be required to prove at a certain age that they're well-adjusted enough to be allowed to go on living -- or that Los Angeles should just be sunk into the Pacific Ocean with a cluster of nuclear missiles.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: There are so many to choose from, but in the end it's no contest -- Danny's "suicide attempt" in which he used an unbroken disposable razor to supposedly try to slash his wrists.

Mitigating Factor: You have to hand it to someone who thinks he's willing to die to remain culturally relevant; Howard Beale would be proud. Also, we never expected much out of Danny anyway; he was on The Partridge Family for Christ's sake.

Dishonorable Mention: Sadly, Flavor Flav, who continues his single-handed decimation of the legacy of the brilliant Public Enemy with his unforgivable antics on The Flavor of Love.


#8 -- Warren Jeffs

Massengill Scale: 10 pts Vinegar/0 pts Holy Water/70 pts Kool-aid

The Facts:
Sure, Ted Haggard made bigger headlines, but was he on the FBIs Ten Most Wanted list last year? Jeffs, leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints -- a frightening off-shoot of Mormonism which still practices polygamy -- has painted himself as the one true prophet of God since the death of his father, the equally cuddly Rulon Jeffs (who, incidentally, was the inspiration for Harry Dean Stanton's character on HBO's excellent Big Love). As the prophet, seer, revelator and Jesus's hand-picked douchebag, Warren took it upon himself to set up arranged marriages for girls as young as thirteen -- marrying as many as eighty women and children himself (he still refers to all of them as his "wives") and banishing boys and men whom he believed to be threats to his sexual supremacy. He was arrested on August 28th of last year, and is now facing charges of sexual assault on a minor and conspiracy to commit sexual assault on a minor, among others. He's also encouraged his fundamentalist followers not to pay federal taxes, but has insisted that they draw as much as possible from social programs like welfare -- a process the FLDS church refers to as "bleeding the beast."

Mitigating Factor: None whatsoever. Jeffs is living proof that douchebags can occasionally be evil, dangerous fuckers. Accordingly, somebody should put a bullet in him.

Dishonorable Mention: Yeah, Reverend Ted was a pretty big douchebag, wasn't he.


#7 -- Rosie O' Donald

Massengill Scale: 1,357,423 equal pts Vinegar and Cheeseburgers for her; his consistently diluted by Grecian Formula and the Lip Gloss of girls young enough to be his great-granddaughter

The Facts:
Who would've thought that the holiday season -- traditionally a time of peace and love -- could bring us such unrestrained bile from two such hideous creatures? Already Lifetime Achievement Award-winners from the Academy of Douchebag Arts & Sciences, Rosie O' Donnell and Donald Trump showed the newcomers how it's done, by pulling off the extraordinary feat of actually, somehow, outdoing all of the ridiculously pin-headed things they'd done throughout respective careers both long and illustrious. Their bitter dog-fight on national television just before the holidays, with each assuming a role of laughable self-righteousness, was the stuff of douchebag legend. Rosie accused Trump of being a lecherous, narcissistic shithead -- which of course he is; Trump meanwhile accused Rosie of being a fat, loudmouthed slob -- which of course she is. Most heart-warming during all of this: the spectacle of the once-venerated Barbara Walters being forced to step in and referee the idiocy. It almost made you long for the subtle, classy days of Star Jones.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: For him, it was the initial action that started the whole thing; namely, his smug "pardoning" of Miss USA Tara Conner -- which called to mind Amon Goeth's disturbing attempt at displaying power through mercy in Schindler's List. For her, it was pulling her fat hair over her fat head and snorting like a pig in what was supposed to be an impression of Trump -- one that instead wound up looking like just another night at the O'Donnell dinner table.

Mitigating Factor: The fact that they finally just killed each other in the end -- or maybe that was only a dream I had.

Dishonorable Mention: I said almost made you long for Star Jones. In 2006, the second most despicable woman on television went out with the kind of grace and dignity we'd come to expect from her. It was technically no more heinous than anything she'd done previously, however Star deserves mention simply because, thankfully, you're likely to never hear from her again -- unless of course you frequent the all-you-can-eat food & fixins bar at Sizzler. Just listen for the shrill screams of, "Don't you know who I am?!"


#6 -- Michael Richards

Massengill Scale: 130 pts Piss & Vinegar/2 pts Water/375 pts Racist Venom/1 pt Junior Mints

The Facts:
All he had to do was keep his big mouth shut, collect the small fortune he was making in residuals, and live out the rest of his days being remembered as the man behind one of the greatest characters in the history of television. Did that really sound like such a difficult thing -- such an undignified legacy? Instead, like Danny Bonaduce (#9), Richards suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder -- meaning that he goes batshit when all the attention is suddenly taken away from him. His bizarre tirade against a group of black hecklers -- in particular, his revisionist history lesson about the proper way not so much to lynch a person as rotisserie roast him -- left a lot of people scratching their heads; among them, Jerry Seinfeld, who looked about as uncomfortable defending his friend and former castmate as the rest of us did watching Richards's painfully insincere apology -- or any sitcom since Seinfeld that's featured a former star of the show.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Somewhere between the fourth and fifth "nigger."

Mitigating Factor: At least there was something memorable about Richards's stand-up routine.

Dishonorable Mention: Malibu's own Ambassador to Israel, Mel Gibson.


#5 -- Madonna

Massengill Scale: 63 pts Malt Vinegar/120 pts Kabbalah Water

The Facts:
Watching Madonna pathetically rage against the dying of relevancy is as humorous an endeavor as it is tragic. Over the past several years, the woman who was once the world's pop culture inamorata has recast herself as a fag-hag diva, a British socialite, a disciple of nonsensical Jewish mysticism, a rapper, a desperate lesbian dominatrix, "Disco Granny" from the old Studio 54, an overly-pilatesed piece of beef jerky, and -- most recently -- a writer of children's books and proof that Africa is in desperate need of its own Amber Alert system. As expected, Madonna's "adoption" of a child from a Malawian village was less about helping a young boy than it was about Madge turning Africa into her own personal puppy-farm from which she could grab a living, breathing accessory -- and get her name back in the papers to boot. As I wrote at the time, if it comes down to the question of what's better for a child: living in a hole, subsisting on a spoonful of Red Cross grain every two days and probably dying of AIDS by the age of four, or being raised by Madonna -- I think the answer is obvious.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Madonna asserting her intention to return to the same village to "adopt" yet another child. I said it once before, but it bears repeating: You know what Madge? Why not just do what your kind has done for centuries -- build a gingerbread house in the woods and let them come to you.

Mitigating Factor: Bedtime Stories is still a pretty damn good album.

Dishonorable Mention: Madge may be as douchebaggy as they come, but at least she didn't get anyone killed last year; Nancy Grace on the other hand, did. TV's wretched legal pit-bull managed to both browbeat a woman into suicide and irreparably tarnish the otherwise decent name of CNN in one Southern-drawled swoop. Sure her fiance' was murdered years ago, but you know what? He got off easy. Remember how I said that Star Jones was the second most despicable woman on television?


#4 -- The 109th "Do-Nothing" Congress of the United States of America

Massengill Scale: 117 pts Vinegar (for BBQ Sauce)/67 pts Bottled Water/10 pts Commandments/1,243,547 pts Money from Jack Abramoff/maf54 pts Salacious E-Mails/8 pts Years for Duke Cunningham/24 pts Average Hours of Work per Week

The Facts:
It would take a year-and-a-half just to build the infrastructure necessary to fully document the transgressions of the 109th Congress -- unless of course you offered to take bribes from lobbyists or kickbacks from contractors, which would certainly speed up the process. Last year we were reminded over and over again that Washington, D.C. was originally built on swampland; you'd be hard-pressed to find a larger collection of toads, snakes and blood-sucking insects anywhere else (and come to think of it, Dennis Hastert does look an awful lot like a turtle). From their average three-day work-week, to their literal kicking down of Terri Schiavo's hospice door to ram a feeding tube back down her throat in the name of Jesus, to their casual use of terms like "Nuclear Option" to crush dissent in the minority; from Mark Foley's obsession with young boys, to Duke Cunningham and William Jefferson's obsession with big money, to Tom DeLay's obsession with recreating America as a theocracy; from Jack Abramoff writing checks to buy influence, to GOP lawmakers giving our Idiot in Charge a blank check to conduct his failed war -- it's a wonder this country survived long enough to vote most of them the hell out.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: You want that infrastructure built by when?

Mitigating Factor: The mind is capable of astonishing acts of repression which aid in self-preservation. Now that so many of them are relegated to the history books -- if not simply relegated to their cells -- the whole thing feels like nothing more than a very, very bad dream.

Dishonorable Mention: You thought that Rush Limbaugh couldn't get any more painfully cretinous, did you? Then you watched him flail around like a beached whale in a gruesome parody of Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox and you thought, "I was wrong." Yes you were my friend -- yes you were.


#3 -- Almighty Oprah

Massengill Scale: 0 pts Vinegar/12 pts Water/23 pts Oxygen/16 pts Nitrogen/10 pts Nuclear Fusion, Allowing Her to Become Pure Energy at Will

The Facts:
Understanding that Oprah is not all that she appears to be is a little like being Rowdy Roddy Piper's character in the John Carpenter cult-classic They Live: you've got the glasses on and you seem to be the only one among the sleeping sheep who has any idea that there's a wolf in your midst, and of course when you try to warn others, no one will believe you. Each year, this multi-media leviathan grows larger and more powerful, threatening to eventually become a black hole which will consume all culture as we know it -- absorbing and assimilating it like the Borg then spitting it back out in a fresh, new package of Oprah-approved, soccer-mom-ready banality. What makes Oprah eligible for inclusion on our countdown however isn't so much her homogenous appeal to the lowest common denominator -- or the fact that she seems to drag every bit of authentically vital art down with her; it's the simple fact that she is quite possibly self-obsession and solipsism incarnate -- no matter how hard she works to make people believe otherwise. Last year alone, she berated James Frey (#10) not because he lied to America but because he lied to her; she held a "Legends Ball" in which she supposedly paid homage to black female pioneers and trendsetters just like her; she prepared to open an unnecessarily expensive school for young girls in Africa, making sure the cameras were always there to get pictures of her (wearing long, false eye-lashes and heavy make-up no less) as she came riding in to the rescue in her learjet; and of course, her face once again adorned the cover of every single issue of her magazine throughout the year. There's nothing genuine, uncalculated or purely altruistic about Oprah -- all there is, is one big fucking douchebag.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Her convenient and insincere co-opting of black street lingo in an effort to defend herself against accusations made by 50 Cent that she discriminates against hip-hop stars by not inviting them to be guests on her show.

Mitigating Factor: 50 Cent blows.

Dishonorable Mention: Unfunny comic and hack author Greg Behrendt, who last year managed to further assert himself as the poster-boy for blurring the line between the authentic and the artificial by parlaying his job as a writer on Sex & The City into a talk show which deals with -- wait for it -- relationships. As I wrote at the time: a substandard comedian takes a gig on a show about women who sleep with the Manhattan phone book but can't make any of their relationships work and uses it to write self-help books for the kind of vapid women who watch the show and can't make any of their relationships work, then gets his own talk show where he attempts to tell the same women how to make their relationships work. If that's not enough to cement his position as a grade-A douchebag, just take a look at him.


#2 -- Perez Hilton

Massengill Scale: 10 pts Vinegar/10 pts Water/10 pts Flirtinis/100 pts Semen

The Facts
It would be easy to run down the Britsay Federlohans of the world, or detail the ways in which the heir/heiress crowd was a blight on humanity last year -- but that's to be expected. In this case I'm going to defer to the sage advice of the ancient philosopher Obi-wan Kenobi, who said, "Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?" If you've ever caught yourself thinking that if everyone would just fucking ignore them, these attention-whores would go away once and for all, then by all means aim your ire where it belongs. Born Mario Armando Lavendeira Jr., this sycophantic uber-douchebag spun around like Wonder-Woman and was reborn as Perez Hilton, self-proclaimed "Queen" of the gossip bloggers -- and 2006 marked the year of his ascendence. What separates Mario's site from other tongue-in-cheek celeb-bashers -- some of which I count myself a fan of -- is his complete lack of any discernable talent (a child could draw little semen stains and write "slut" on paparazzi pictures), as well as his propensity for playing favorites; in particular, his hands-off approach to his celebrity namesake, dyna-whore Paris Hilton. Mario also has a habit of trying to out male stars he believes to be gay, and often likes to party with the very celebrities he's crucifying on his website, which essentially makes his critical opinion worthless. He's basically an oversized and overpaid sixteen-year-old starfucking groupie, and the kind of offensive flaming-gay stereotype that would make even Paul Lynde roll over in his grave.

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Anytime he appeared on E!, the network that's to Los Angeles vacuity what the old Tass News Agency was to Soviet communism.

Mitigating Factor: Give me a minute. Nope -- not a one.

Dishonorable Mention: I may be willing to neglect Britney and her bottomless nights on the town and Lindsay and her bottomless coke bullet, but at least one target of the online tabloids deserves attention: Brandon Davis -- he of the now-legendary "firecrotch" tirade, and the unbelievable asshole who's never worked a day in his life -- is quite possibly the single most loathesome creature on the planet. Someone kill him -- please?


#1 -- Dane Cook

Massengill Scale: 0 pts Vinegar/231 pts Watered-down Jokes/135 pts Warm Keg Beer/76 pts Hair Wax/362 pts Stolen Material/1,664,347 pts MySpace "Friends"

The Facts:
Where to even begin. If there's a patron saint of America's collegiate douchebag set, it's Dane Cook. He's influenced more modern-day, popped-collared frat-boys than Coors Light, the 136th viewing of Fight Club, and the delusion that "let me get you another beer" constitutes a great pick-up line. Likewise, he's greased the loins of more stupid lower-back-tattooed college girls than GHB. These unparalleled contributions to worldwide douchebaggery alone would probably earn him the top spot on the countdown, but when you factor in Cook's own titanic ego and equally monumental lack of actual talent, it's a lock. A lot has been made of his affinity for stealing material from truly gifted, hard-working comics like Louis CK and Joe Rogan -- guys who don't sell out arenas, as Cook did last year, simply because they lack the one quality which is truly responsible for Mr. Stupidfinger's otherwise unjustifiable success: his relative easiness on the eyes. Cook knows how to promote himself and how to play up his pretty-boy image, which has made him the perfect comedic icon for the MySpace generation: all style and absolutely no substance -- the equivalent of the borderline retarded class-clown willing to do anything for a laugh who, thanks to the internet, now has the ability to beam his ridiculous, repetitive schtick out to millions, turning the entire world into the class that's forced to put up with him. In 2006, HBO -- in a move that almost negated all the years of excellent original programming for which the network was responsible previously -- gave Cook his own live special and even green-lit the tediously unfunny vanity project Dane Cook's Tourgasm. Both were savaged by critics, but as anyone who's ever gone to college knows, frat-boys always chalk denunciation up to jealousy -- thus did Cook and his loyal cadre of juvenile zealots. He made the move to film by starring in Waiting and Employee of the Month, both of which went nowhere, perhaps portending the merciful end of Cook's fifteen minutes. It simply can't come a moment too soon. Truly great comedy is born out of insecurity, pain, and an incisive drive to shake up the status quo (Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Chris Rock, Patton Oswalt, David Cross); it damn sure doesn't come from the guy about whom the other frat-brothers say, "You GOTTA come meet this guy, dude -- he's fucking HILARIOUS!"

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment: Impossible to nail down just one, but his legendary habit of running long during stand-up performances at comedy clubs -- consequently knocking off the comics scheduled to follow him -- is probably a good jumping-off point.

Mitigating Factor: The fact that -- though the frat-boys in question would never admit it and may not even be aware of it -- Cook is responsible for the secret gay urges of even the most homophobic of college studs.

Dishonorable Mention: Andy fucking Milonakis -- basically an unattractive Dane Cook for the pre-teen set, and hence the future of douchebaggery in America. Anybody know where to find the Seven Daggers of Meggido?


Final Disclaimer: You may have noticed that aside from a brief bastardization of his good name, I've neglected to mention the man many would consider to be 2006's Douchebag Emeritus, Kevin Federline. The bottom line: it's just too easy. Consider K-Fed this year's automatic induction into the Hall of Fame, with the only mitigating factor being that you'll never see him again, once again unless you frequent Sizzler; he'll be the one serving Star Jones.

165 comments:

T-Bone said...

I am with you 100% on 2-10, but you gotta back up offa Dane. He's the funniest thing since fundamentalist christianity.

nicolle said...

genius. :D

Daver said...

You've got a pretty heavy obsession with lack of talent there, bub. Mainly with writers and other creative types, who've become wildly successful with their inane lack of talent.

Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for calling Dane Cook to the carpet. Comedy is about calling people on their bullshit, period. Dane never does. He's too busy kissing everyone's ass and adding them to his myspace page. He's scared to offend anyone, so his comedy is pointless, zany drivel.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA I got to #6 thinking "Where's Dane Cook"...and in the end I wasn't disappointed!

good stuff

Anonymous said...

ZOMG! You Sir, and your unreadable garbage opinions can join the likes of E entertainment and the Michael Moore's of the world. OMG U are awful.

Anonymous said...

your a douchebag

Anonymous said...

I was totally digging this article right up to the point where you mentioned Joe Rogan as being a good comedian. Joe Rogan sucks worse than Dean Cook. His "routine" is so bad, I saw a little of it once and it gave me cancer it was so bad.

You were doing really good, but you really lost me there with the fat sack of crap Rogan.

Rich said...

Chez should also be on this list. There are far greater douche bags than Dane Cook...i.e. Carlos Mencia

Anonymous said...

Smitty

Score. The best I have read in a long time. Thanks. Fark.com loves it.

GasWorks said...

Everything said about Dane Cook is fact.

Anonymous said...

Hey - you left one out.....Dr. Robert Rey of E!'s Doctor 90210. Between the sleeveless scrubs, the constant "karate/jujitsu" moves, and the creepy, pseduo-sexual comments he makes to his cients, he is at the height of "Douchebaggery." He just makes me cringe.

Forrest said...

Brilliant. Spot on. What more can I say?

Finally, someone (other than myself) has seen Dane Cook for what he truly is, the #1 Douchebag.

Splashofpee said...

I like to eat glue. Douchebags such as the ones mentioned are in fact in the Doucheiat Bagguis genus and therefore will never get off the list. Mind the gap and remember to eat capt crunch.

Anonymous said...

Perfect.

Anonymous said...

Where is George W Bush? I'd think he deserves at least a top 10 mention for placing inept people in office, trying to appoint librarians to the supreme court, who oddly think he is the most intelligent man she'd met..., invading a country on the grounds of Democracy when we don't have it here, as evidenced by his first "election". Wait, Blogger.com is a service of Fox News right? :)

Daniel said...

Can I set up a church to worship you and your insightful opinions? I swear, you read my mind.

Also, the Douchebag-in-Charge was not made fun of enough, but that's ok, I figure you don't want to cheapen yourself with such easy pot shots.

Anonymous said...

Good call on Dane Cook. I hate that douchebag.

Anonymous said...

Wow that was a complete waste of my time. The rosie/trump thing was funny though! Dane Cook Rocks.....you're a jealous fag.

Anonymous said...

What a vain attempt at appearing controversial. These top ten lists should be short and sweet, that was something akin to a thesis.

Being an angry comedian on the state of things has been done to death. We can thank Maddox for your material.

Anonymous said...

oh man, normally I would read something like this and walk away. However, what parts of your justification for Dane Cook I did agree with (his movie(s) sucked), I have to say you are in a way the essence of what you ridicule. You listed Opie & Anthony as a friend, influence and or time waster.

Juvenile, absolutely. Ridiculous, definitely! Make your new year's resolution to just admit your love for Dane Cook. You are way too fascinated by him.

Wow!

Anonymous said...

Good job.

Anonymous said...

Um...Ok

Josh said...

That was beautiful, man. Dane Cook has bugged me since the first time I became aware of him (through a friend who couldn't stop gushing about how hot and talented he was), but I couldn't say exactly why. You hit the nail right on the head.

Funny thing I just learned about James Frey -- he submitted his manuscript for publication as a novel, not a memoir. The publisher told him, basically, that it wasn't well-written or coherent enough to sell as fiction, but it was marketable as a memoir.

So he's not a compulsive liar so much as a failed novelist. Fun!

musashi270 said...

Ah, Chez, you have been Farked.

Shaquielle O'Neal said...

Granted most of your picks for douchebags of the year are completely valid, that doesnt mean that all of them are friggin certified. Case in point, as you guessed, Dane Cook. People generally shy away from cook for the reason you have mentioned above, however his humor shares the same basic principle of all good comics, and that is personal reflection coupled with observational humor. A good punchline is a hard thing to accomplish , and to say that all of his work is stolen is just not fair to anyone, no matter how bad they are. And HBO? Why are you pretending that HBO has some good name that cant be soiled with the work of Cook, did you forget that HBO plays prono in the mornings and gave SINBAD a special? We get it you hate Frat boys good for you so does 75% of America not everyone is in a frat. Cook has catered himself to a certain audience that seems to be paying off, so good for him. As for his talent well I can safely say hes better than fucking Dom Irera or Carrot Top.

Anonymous said...

What? No Mr. Britney Spears?

Anonymous said...

No mention of Carlos Mencia?

Really?

Yamagoo said...

Fucking Brilliant...just brilliant. I cannot add a single thing to it, nor would I take anything away. You have been added to our list of people we'd love to smoke a bowl with...otherwise known as our Blogroll (it just sounds better the other way).

rick said...

Good stuff, but I really have to disagree with some of your choices (Warren Jeffs, congress). To me, a douchebag must be relatively harmless, someone you hate, but hate with a smile and a shake of the head. You make up for the poor choices, however, in choosing Dane Cook as your number one, proving you indeed grasp the concept of true douchebaggery.

SupremeAntBee said...

You're absolutely brilliant!

Dorothy said...

I think Nancy Grace should have trumped Madonna as a 2006 Douchebag. Why? 1) At least Madonna is making some sort of humanitarian effort, 2) Madonna didn't cause anyone's suicide, and 3) Grace had the option of not airing the show after she learned that the lady had killed herself, yet she went ahead and aired it anyway, like some satanic attention whore.

This hag even has Stephen King against her, http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,1540592,00.html

William said...

I think it's funny after all the thought you put into all that (it was quite good by the way) you resort to a gay joke at the end.

Anonymous said...

Grade "A" and fucking spot on. Nice work.

gigi said...

hallelujah.
finally.
i hate dane cook, and i find his fan base to be not only terrifyingly large, but rabid in their loyalty.
he is, without a doubt, the douche bag of the year.

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was both thorough and extremely humbling. I don't pay much attention to celebrities and the like but that was well done, without getting too political by just saying: Bush! ...or... Clinton!...
Finish Them!

Demo said...

~Absolute Awesomeness!

It's rare that I see any media criticism that consists of factual analysis of the extremely schizoid seediness of "American Media."

In a day when bloggers have better grammar than CNN, and routinely break major stories which the huge-mongous news agencies somehow missed, stumbling upon such gems of articulate and informative blogs as this one is happening on an almost daily basis.

Today, I am especially pleased, because the blogger in question has a rapier wit. Touche'!

Don Lee

Anonymous said...

Seems like it's aimed towards less obvious douchebags. It probably shouldn't be called (the complete list).

Maybe I'm wrong, but I would think Opera is the number 1 douche...Dane Cook seems like a passing trend. Opera just wont go away.

jess said...

I think I love you.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one that believed that Dane Cook sucked, I am not alone....I could almost weep.

Anonymous said...

How did Bush remain off the list???

Tom said...

Not only is Dane Cook a total douchebag, but he rips off nearly all his material. Fuck that guy!

Anonymous said...

Paging Glenn Beck ...

jamaicab said...

Your not-long-winded-enough comment about Dane Cook was brilliant. You manged to articulate precisely what I have been too drunk and ignorant to orate to my dipshit friends, enemies, and acquaintances who have jumped on his bandwaggon. But in Cook's defence, he belongs in second place. His FANS are the biggest douchebags of the year.

Chris said...

I want to take this post home with me, lay it down by the fireplace and make sweet, sweet love to it.

Anonymous said...

Very sharp analysis, but I'm a little dismayed that you focused much of your angst on celebrities. Granted, Bush and the like have had and most certainly will have more juicier years . . . wait no, I just reviewed your criteria for "douche-baggery", spot on.
However, as previously noted Carlos Mencia deserved at least a dishonorable mention.
Kudos for having Dane Cook top this list.
Greatest line: "enough perceived entitlement to fill twenty hummers"

But seriously, Joe Rogan?

Anonymous said...

Madonna over nancy grace?!?
Nancy grace is a venomous witch with a sickening rape/murder fetish.
Your complaint about Madonna is that when she improves the life of a poor child it may be more about publicity than compassion? oh, and her religion is harmlessly kooky?
I think we have a different definition of douchebaggery.

Special K said...

I find it ever so curious that the majority of those in opposition to Dane Cook as Douchebag of the Year can't be bothered to log in. Is it perhaps that they secretly know he's an asshat extordinare who doesn't deserve their misguided loyality? I have to say that I thank the Gods that he's not that big north of the 48th paralell...ahhh...safe, sane Canada.

Kudos though on a comprehensive look at the cult of the Douchebag-it may in fact be my favorite end of year list.

Anonymous said...

Seriously. Carlos Mencia < Dane Cook. They are both hideous, but come one. Mencia? Just damn.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done on the Madonna and O placements. I mean, I wish Nancy Grace coulda fit on there somewhere, but really there's only so much room and why split hairs?

I'm proud to say that I haven't heard one piece of Dane Cook's material, and ergo have been saved of his douchosity.

~ Bloggy

Benny said...

Chez once again the hilarity of the truth comes from your blog. Funniest thing I have read in awhile.

To T-Bone: You're fucking retarded

To Anonymous: First, don't be a pansy and not put a name. Second, its "Dane" Cook not "Dean."

Chez keep up with the writing. 2007 has just started and I am waiting for your insights...

jaalyn said...

You are 100% right here. I'm so glad I'm not the only person who sees Dane Cook, Oprah, and these cultural gods for what they really are.

Have you noticed just about all the negative comments you're receiving seem to be posted by the barely literate?

Anonymous said...

I Have to agree about wanting that rabid dr. from Dr.90210 on here...and Carlos Mencia should be as well if your ripping into Dane Cook! Half of Mencia's routine is 'spelling' out his jokes for the 'lesser intelligent' people watching, which in essence, is his entire audience.
His pretentious comedy is riddled with pathetic attempts to call out sterotypes and it's revolting to even try to watch 2 minutes of it.

dtox said...

Dane Cook should have labeled his show bore-gasim. He's like a wet dream, the best part is realizing it's over then all the suddden you feel better.

D Kline said...

OK, Louis CK is hysterical, but Joe Rogan "truly gifted?" Bitch please.

That said, Dane Cook is a thieving sack of crap.

Anonymous said...

where is the leader of that whack church that pickets funerals of soldiers and says God kills because there are gays, that lady needs to be burned alive. everything else was cool

Sarah said...

I thought you were awesome until the Seven Daggers of Meggido. Now I think you are a genius.

Anonymous said...

WTF?
Louis CK and Joe Rogan funny? I've seen both of them for almost 20 years on the Boston comedy club scene. They are okay, but they don't make the audience laugh like Dane Cook does.
I've also seen Joe do routines that he's adapted from others in Boston. Same for Louis CK.
Dane Cook is funny. End of story.
I agree with inclusion of others in 2 thru 10, but feel Frey should be #1.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Carlos Mencia. That guy is ultra-douchey.

Anonymous said...

No mention of Andy Dick?

Matt said...

Geez Chez, where the fuck did all these guys come from?

Nice list, but I don't think you're being fair by listing Perez Hilton twice - as both No. 2 AND No. 1.

VOTAR said...

Wow Chez, you've suddenly made lots of new friends.

Interestingly, about half of them appear to be Dane Cook himself, taking precious time out of his life of updating his MySpace site, bangin' hawwwwt coeds-gone-wild, ( "my dad owns the dealership, bro"), and co-opting other peoples' material, in order to repeatedly post -- anonymously -- to your blog.

Welcome to the bigtime.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha, Patton Oswalt... oh man. Most of this is good, but I don't think you have any taste at all in stand up comedy. As much as I dislike Cook, Oswalt makes him look like Bill Cosby.

VOTAR said...

And yes, the Seven Daggers of Meggido was....sublime.

Casually Me said...

Ok, that was damn funny. Of course it could also be damned funny, if you happen to appear on the list.

Traci said...

I think you are fucking HILLARIOS! The most intriguing part though is that you are dead to rights!More people like you on the net might actually raise the average IQ instead of watching it drop like $2 hoar.

Rob said...

Far be it from me to feed some internet yahoo's ego by commenting on their blog (ugh) but I feel the need to ask why exactly you have such a problem with us "frat boys?" Oh, and way to take the high road and trot out the tired "frat boys are all gay and just don't know it" junk. Pathetic.

Julie said...

You are a fucking genius.

Anonymous said...

It's about time someone pointed out how much of a douche bag Dane Cook is. Bravo!

Anonymous said...

Great article, but as someone already mentioned: Joe Rogan? Um, what?

In a list of douchebags, you fail to count the man who got into an argument through Myspace messages with some random kid who dared to fault the great Rogan? That is definite douchebaggery, no matter how you slice it.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2006/03/02/back-and-forth-forever/

/Yeah, the kid was a jerk, but that doesn't mean Rogan wasn't too.

Will said...

I would congratulate you, but I too am a douchebag - so fuck you ass breath.

Anonymous said...

What a waste of bandwidth

Anonymous said...

What a waste of Bandwidth

Anonymous said...

I concur with your sentiments, and those of most of the responders. I would implore you, however, to refrain from suggesting anyone be killed. ( I didn't see any "please somebody kill ME" instructions) No matter how baggeous, even the Master of Evil has a right to life and opinion in America while he opens my mail to look for "Terrorists".

djdrrrtypoonjabi said...

Hysterical. I'm going to go send Dane Cook a douchebag in the mail.

Anonymous said...

God, Dane Cook is so terrible, it's less funny than his act.

Anonymous said...

cook does suck, but as stated, mencia should be torched.

Anonymous said...

Thank God people are seeing the truth about Dane Cook.

Anonymous said...

Pure brillance. Thank you for mentioning good comics while ranting about Dane Cook, like Bill Hicks. You know, someone who had not only good material, but talent. Honestly, what does Cook have other then a joke about getting a bj from a 16 year old?

Joanna said...

Has everyone forgotten Mario fuckin Lopez!? He is the biggest lying fake smile douchebag of the year! His expression when he lost Dancing With The Stars was priceless!

synbad said...

Brilliant. Well done.

I am shocked by how many people neglected to read your 'Ground Rules'.

My only suggestion would be to incorporate the douchebaggery of sports figures. (i.e. Terrell Owens, PacMan Williams, Bode Miller, etc...)

Anonymous said...

I agree on Dane Cook, BUT I'm pretty sure the guy in "Waiting" was Ryan Reynolds who, whatever your opinion of him, does not deserve to be tarred with the Dane Cook brush.

Anonymous said...

you're rough on dane cook because his comedy isn't smart. who said comedy has to be smart? lots of perfectly intellegent people can enjoy his act for what it is- comedy for retards. and you know what? it's funny.

now, if you wanna call out crappy comedians, i agree with a previous poster...Carlos Mencia is the epidomy of a one trick pony.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said..."

"your a douchebag"
"9:49 AM"

THAT is funny, douchebag.

YOU'RE retarded.

Anonymous said...

Andy Milonakis is 31 years old. He has a growth-hormone deficiency. Dude, check your wiki.

Anonymous said...

dane was funny when he first started out...now he's not really worth mention...

p.s. you totally left out chris farley in your list of great comics that he's imitated...

Sidewinder said...

Dane Cook didn't star in "Waiting", that was Ryan Reynolds. I mix them up from time to time too. I swear, they must have been seperated at birth ... only Ryan got the majority of the talent.

John W. said...

You know, from listening to my brother repeat a bit of the ol' Dane Cook and then reading this article, I've realized the following:

Dane Cook's 'talent' stems from the aforementioned repetition.

Yep. Repeating shit over and over which could be "laughed at" (by the stupid) on it's face value rather than having a special application in each case.

EX: "SanGwich", with a heavy G sound. Yeah, just repeat that and the college boys laugh and laugh mindlessly.

"It's on". Another I heard, which was first funny, but then pretty much died when just EVERYONE in the story said "It's on."

Whoops, your lack of talent is showing, Dane.

I'm going to go listen to some George Carlin so maybe I can remember what real comedy is.

And yes, that Andy Milanokis (or however he wishes to spell his name) is also a useless balloon of guts. Sorry, being a fat, rapping midget (Which even gives midgets a bad name) is not hilarious.

fred said...

i liked your list but i enjoy the cut of your jib even more.

i still can't see why people think dane cook is funny. and to the guy that said joe rogan sucks i've just gotta say, i find him to be one of the most brilliant comics i've ever heard.

PLUS the guy is high prx 89% of the time and STILL does the best MMA commentary. that takes SKILL my friend.

not trying to sell anyone on anything, but to put out there that rogan sucks is a dis-service to anyone reading it...find out for yourself:

http://www.amazon.com/Im-Gonna-Be-Dead-Someday/dp/B00004WF29/sr=8-1/qid=1168050695/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-6384202-9693240?ie=UTF8&s=music

vaporland said...

good blog. joe rogaine rules . . .

Anonymous said...

Great list. Finally someone with the balls to give America a wake up call to Dane Cook's overinflation. I applaud you, good sir.

~ MajorMadness

Jim said...

To date I've heard one Dane Cook routine, about whether it's worse to die by drowning or burning. It contains no jokes, merely him musing about it and SHOUTING LIKE ADAM SANDLER when he realizes that the crowd is waiting for some sort of punchline or something. Kinda like Mitch Hedberg except you know that if you ever smoked up with Dane you'd just wait 10 minutes for him to pass out and then steal his wallet.

))8(( said...

Mad Tv - Ike Barinholtz's impersonation. The only good thing to come out of Dane Cook (tee hee).

Shawn said...

Great, truthful, and really funny.

Sorry to "Daver", success has never equaled talent. Most genious and truly talented people aren't recognized or appreciated until after their time has passed.

Success means who can get the most sheep to follow them. Milli Vanilli anyone? New Kids on the Block? Oprah? Nuff said.

Nick said...

agree 100% on everything.

seriously...FUCK Dane Cook. he's not funny. at all. flailing your arms around and yelling really loud does not = funny (unless you're the kind of shaved ape whose required to wear a hockey helmet whenever you step outside...and judging by most of his fan base, i guess it's safe to assume we're dealing with such specimens). physical comedy is cool and all, but fuck...even Jim Carrey had jokes....REAL jokes. not nonsensical "wouldn't it be cool?" one-liners and woefully obvious trivial observations with no real insight or wit to back them up.

Cook defenders, before you say anything...shut up.

Anonymous said...

1st of all: THANK YOU for spreading some intelligence.
2nd of all: I agree with all of your picks. (2 of them I like, but there were good reasons for them to hit the list)
3rd- ESPECIALLY the dane cook as #1 d.bag. (or as he calls himself, "I'm Dane Fxcking Cook!")

My friend James and I are the comedy loving types that grew up watching comedian after comedian after comedian(s). It was always easy for us to 'call out' a copy-cat.
It is just SO WEAK when another person STEALS someone elses work and PRETENDS that they had the talent to come up with it- (we then watch them trying to 'act' it out- always with a twinge of obvious "I hope no one notices!"

Robin Williams and Jim Carey are over-actors, that is their schtick. They over-act on everything, but they have substance to it. dane cook tries to act on 'nothing' and just go to extremes on anything when it has already been done.

When Andrew 'dice' Clay was getting popular, my mother told me, "I heard all of these jokes when I was 16! Why is he getting credit for them!? These KIDS laughing don't know any better."
*********Well, the 1st time I saw this guy, I yelled out the same thing. SADLY his audience is nothing but slow minded high school / college KIDS that will 'laugh' at anything that touches the "I'm supposed to laugh now or I will be looked at as 'different'!"- (God forbid)- factor.

Someone that mirrors him is his lookalike 'ryan reynolds'. When "van wilder" came out one of my film knowing friends said, "They couldn't get Jason Lee so grabbed the guy that tries to act like the other popular actor comedians.

It is obvious to the ones that are in the business and the ones that pay attention. To the beer drinking kids that only know what the large media tells them- well you can tell how smart they are by the music they listen to.

Thanks again.
Post script- Last on "SCRUBS" (well known for its genius writing, Dr. Cox said, "The only mystery that needs to be found out, other than why do kids find dane cook funny, is ..."

Alex said...

Sidewinder: Dane Cook actually WAS in "Waiting". As was Reynolds. Are you even more confused about him and Ryan Reynolds now?

Bonemot said...

Fun reading.

Thanks and Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

how how HOW you gonna make Dane Cook #1 douchebag (based entirely off opinion on comedy) and not even have dubbya make the list??

i think a couple of your picks may be out of jealousy?

Schwa Love said...

Heh... I read your rip into Dane Cook and wondered how many of his fans would come crawling out of the woodwork to tell you off. Amazing. I do find Carlos Mencia more grating, but that's probably because he's not stealing as good of material. I guess that's because he's lazy because he's Hispanic and is too lazy to steal material because he's so lazy and also has a bunch of kids and oh look I can write jokes just like Carlos Mencia and also something goes here about low-riders and tacos and lottery tickets!!! Ha ha! Now, if you'll pardon me I need to make zany "Can you believe this?" facial expressions into the camera for the next eighteen minutes before I remind you that I'm, "Telling it like it is," because I'm so very very edgy.

Royal Rooters said...

I see a trend here on some of the comments.

Jealous of Dane Cook.
Jealous of Dane Cook.
Jealous of Dane Cook.
Jealous of Dane Cook.

Aww, someone said something bad about your precious Dane Cook.

Watch or listen to some real stand up like Jim Gaffigan.

Anonymous said...

I get all of them except Dane Cook. I've seen many comedians and none have ever electrified an audience like Dane Cook. True he may not be the best actor in the world, but as a comedian he's unmatched in his generation.

Comedians are supposed to entertain audiences and that is exactly what he does.

Anonymous said...

to say dane cook starred in waiting is ludicrous. the movie was offbeat, foul, and appealed to a certain market (i loved it). dane cook had about 5 minutes of screen time, and mostly played a drugged up wil ferrell. i could give a shit about dane cook, the movie was good regardless of his presence.

Anonymous said...

You definitely hit the spot with Dane Cook. From the idiot collegiates to his overall kiss-ass, "Look at me! I said 'cock'! LOOK AT ME!" antics, he is the world's biggest douche.

Anonymous said...

"Unmatched in his generation." Please, for the love of god, tell me that was sarcasm.

Please?

Who else are you including in his generation, just about any of the other comics that have been listed blow him away without being derivative or hald as vamping.

I mean, he's okay, I suppose, but the point is not that he's never, ever funny, it's that he's a douchebag. He thinks he's a lot funnier then he is, gets treated far better then he deserves, and doesn't appear to care either way. Maybe he is good with a crowd that's not being a good comic, and has nothing at all to do with being a great one.

Good list by the way.

DP-snapple said...

You forgot to include 50 Cent there...
Or perhaps he was #11?

65 cent is Sofa King Rich said...

You missed one hommie. Where's George W. Bush? If anyone has ever gained fame and position whilst eschewing any actual work or education, its old dubya. He is the least talented at his job out of any of these douchebags you list.

65 cent has spoken.

Anonymous said...

It's been said before, but I'll say it anyway. Major kudos for calling out Dane Cook.


-B

Robert Collins said...

The guy doesn't have a 'problem' with Dane Cook so much as he's simply calling Dane Cook on his ineptness. Dane Cook is the Garfield of stand-up comedy: Stealing material and providing an inoffensive routine that won't make you think beyond the capacity of an average stoner. His jokes are horribly shallow, and his delivery is the worst I've seen in the business in a LONG time. And believe me, I love stand-up comedy. After watching seasons upon seasons of Comedy Now, Comedy at Club 54, HBO specials, and the Just For Laughs comedy festivals, this guy just pales in comparison to even the relative no-names of these shows.

That's not to say he's not entertaining to watch. Just like Garfield, he's worth it when there's a visual aide. His performances are relatively high energy and worth the odd chuckle now and then. But also like Garfield, if you take away the visuals, you're left with some of the dryest, most recycled, dumb, inoffensive, and yet geniusly marketed drivel. I can watch a Dane Cook comedy routine on TV, but I'd rather be shot than listen to him on the radio or CD player.

Anonymous said...

you give a shit....ha

Anonymous said...

First "Top 10 List" I've seen where I completely agreed with everything on it. Extremely well written too.

Bravo.

J.S. Freeman said...

I'm going to take the road less traveled here and point the following out to everyone wondering how George "Dubya" Bush failed to make the list.
Quoth the Chez:
"...it will not feature or highlight any person or persons who did not contribute any more douchebagginess this year than they had in previous years (e.g., George W. Bush cannot be granted a position on this list, despite the fact that he is a douchebag of earth-shattering proportions, simply because he did nothing this year that we haven't already come to expect from a douchebag like him..."

If people would read the article rather than follow the "Oh! Oh! Who's number one?" mentality of an eight year old on Christmas morning, then they would know that.

Other than that, this is a very eloquently stated article on just how much douchebaggery can go on without anyone taking any action. While we would all like to see other people on the list, it's a top ten and as such certain sacrifices have to be made when two people seem to have jockeyed for the same level of douchehood. If he, or anyone at all, were to make a truly "complete" list of all the douchebags of 2006 alone, it would take about as much time as it would to build the infrastructure necessary to fully document the transgressions of the 109th Congress.

Honestly, this man should be given a medal and our sincerest thanks for being born.

Anonymous said...

you forgot John Mark Karr, who was enough of a douchebag to falsely confess to the rape and murder of a child in order to get attention.

And then there's Joe Francis (I know he's helped thousands of college-age males get their jollies, but read this article:
http://www.latimes.com/features/magazine/west/la-tm-gonewild32aug06,0,2664370.story?coll=la-home-headlines

and you'll see what I'm talking about)

Also, you could have mentioned Star Jones' bullshit claim that she lost all of tat weight b/c of diet and exercise...

otherwise, bravo

John said...

Wow, 107 comments and counting. Well done, my brotha, well done. Your critics can go to hell.

And, on as personal a note as is appropriate for blog-friends, may surviving your hardships in 2006 be strength that carries your through 2007. You are a talented man.

Anonymous said...

What about Cory Doctorow? Not even an honorable mention?

Anonymous said...

The fact that the majority of people commenting think Dane Cook is actually good is appalling. Go watch some of Mitch Hedberg's stand up. THAT is funny shit.

Anonymous said...

You, my friend, deserve the top spot on your own list. Way to throw out big words in an attempt to make yourself sound smarter.

You lame bastard.

Anonymous said...

And the #1 douchebag of 2007 - you, for your judgmental self-righteousness. Many - maybe most - may agree with some of your observations, but only a true douchebag would try to show creativity and literary talent by proclaiming others to be douchebags.

Anonymous said...

I simply can't believe that the [rev] Fred Phelps and family, the shitheels protesting soldiers funerals with signs like "thank god for IED's. Come on man, think about it.

Rob said...

Well done, Chez. The total ineptitude of some of the comments (especially those of your critics) might be due to the fact that your list showed up this morning in a LiveJournal community devoted to celebrity gossip. You know, the kind of place where they discuss such earth-shattering issues as whether Nicole Richie is anorexic or Kirsten Dunst has bad teeth. Lots of low I.Q.'s, lots of Dane Cook fans, lots of minor-league douchebags-in-wating. That might explain some of the monosyllabism and your/you're errors that are running rampant as they passionately defend Dane Cook.

Anonymous said...

Funny, but you should learn to spell the names of the people you purport to know so much about. It's Rosie O'Donnell, not O'Donald.

mcSey said...

With you until the Joe Rogan thing. His comedy is lamer than Barbaro. He's good on the UFC commentary tho;)

Wills said...

Great list, I especially like the references you used. I'm going to add this list to my blog on myspace. I will direct people to your page not copy it on to mine. Dane Cook....d-bag

Anonymous said...

Haha, great list, Dane Cook's 'comedy' baffles me. Do you think the guy who called you a jealous fag was being sarcastically funny or he just didn't read past the headline? ^_^

Anonymous said...

So pumped to see your #1!

Here is something to help you judge next year:
http://www.factualmaterial.com/douchebag.htm

Nancy, Near Philadelphia said...

Here's a nominee for the 2007 List: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/01/05/dead.letters.ap/index.html

The Army. Sheesh.

A GThing Science Project said...

I agree with the comment on Dane Cook - he's an idiot and it drives me crazy when my friends talk about how funny he is.

Mega Douche.

I would have alos put Michael Crook on the list, even though he's not a celebrity, he rised to fame based on moronic hate sites and inventing laws to get people to do what he wants. Mega ultra-douche.

Recluse said...

As a stand-up comedy buff, I must say I was pleased that somebody else pointed out the the "douchbaggery" of Dane Cook. You nailed it perfectly.

Anonymous said...

dane cook is hilarious, your article is tedious and pointless, seriously, you are a way bigger douchebag than any of these people

Anonymous said...

Hahahah. Fucking Fantastic.

Anonymous said...

Forgive me if it's already been asked, but is misspelling "Rosie O'Donnell" supposed to add to her douchebaggery, or yours?

Anonymous said...

Wow....you are an idiot of the highest order. I have lost IQ points for reading you mindless and obviously jealous rant. AAHHH mindless liberals....it will be your undoing....

Gonzo Observer said...

Man, there ARE alot of Dane Cook fans out there. This is my hypothesis on why Dane Cook is liked... he steals jokes!

It is like watching Sportscenter. You don't have to sit through all the games.

However, I agree, he is a douche.

You forgot to mention the late Mitch Hedberg, he was the best.

Anonymous said...

Great list! Who's Dane Cook?

Peedo said...

only someone who "gets" dane cooks' comedy would say that patton oswald sucks. fuck dane cook with a big rubber dick.

Anonymous said...

they're douchebags?? how about you for spending the time typing all this shit.

get a life, criticize yourself not others.

Anonymous said...

and to that idiot about mispelling rosie, he was mixing rosie with donald trump. maybe you should be on this list.

VOTAR said...

"Funny, but you should learn to spell the names of the people you purport to know so much about. It's Rosie O'Donnell, not O'Donald."

"Forgive me if it's already been asked, but is misspelling "Rosie O'Donnell" supposed to add to her douchebaggery, or yours?"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Oh fuck Chez this just keeps getting BETTER AND BETTER.

My god...I am so happy that:

1) I am drunk
2) I just got laid
3) Your dad was wrong; the world really is populated with a vast horde of shit-for-brain morons, and there are a handfull of us who recognise them all, down there, in the fucking Pit.

God damn is this entertaining!!!

GF said...

Very well done.

Douchebaggery must be stopped! Or at least continue to be pointed out, with the worst offenders getting made fun of.

spikeowen said...

what about m-night-shameonyou or whatever that idiot's name is?

Kevlar said...

I, in spite of the fact that I find Dane Cook pretty hysterical, can understand why people wouldn't like him, his comedy is a bit esoteric at the least. However, I'm not fond of people who don't know shit about me implying that, as a fan of his work, I am a repressed homosexual. You're argument against Cook is self defeating, in that one moment you say his humor is talentless zany crazyness, but also stolen from talented comics. You call it sophomoric then turn around and basicly say (in a lot of long words you likely looked up in the thesaurus as you wrote this) "anyone who likes Dane Cook's comedy is a horny bimbo or a closet queer". Other than Mr. Cook, I agree with your list 100% (tho I think you have too many comedians on your list), your arguments for their inclusion on the list make sense. I just can't possibly fathom how a comedian, no matter how zany he is or how much he caters to the Myspace generation, could in any way overshadow the douchbaggery of, say, capt. polygamy or the power hungry egomaniacs of the 109th. 20-30 somethings like me and you need to face up to the fact that we don't call the Pop Culture shots anymore, and that fact shouldn't be more important than the slow disection of our democrazy (yes, that was intentional) and subsequent decline of our culture in the form of pop culture smokescreen that distracts the common man from how badly the upper 1% is reeming the rest of the world. Ah, I'm off on a tangent, I'll shut up now.

VOTAR said...

Esoteric?

Dane Cook? Esoteric?

I was about to cut and paste the text of the definition of that word, for the benefit of those who DON'T look them up in a thesaurus as they write.

But, nah...

Hey Chez, I just thought of something! For your next blog article, you should write about the comparative talent of various stand-up comedians.

Then... the relative newcomers to your site can pile on with irrelevant comments about the subject of douchebaggery. Never mind that comments about the subject of douchebaggery will have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ARTICLE ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDIANS.

This way, the Universe will have returned to a state of symmetrical Harmoneous Balance.

Kevlar said...

I'll save you the trouble friend.

es·o·ter·ic (ěs'ə-těr'ĭk)
adj.
Intended for or understood by only a particular group. (thank you www.dictionary.com)

Dane Cook Is loved by some and hated by some. Sounds esoteric to me.

And I agree, there is too much talk of comedians on this list and the subsequent comments. In fact, I agreed before you said it in my first comment, if you would have cared to read past "At the Least". Chez stated his opinion, and I agreed for the most part, but then I stated my opinion. I didnt expect to get heckled by the regulars just because I'm new to this site and don't see everything a guy I've never heard of before today as gospel. I could understand why people would be mad about someone bringing up comedians if NO MENTION had been made on the subject by the author, but Chez brought it up. You can't expect people to not talk about the number one on a top ten list, no mater the topic.

palinode said...

Kevlar, that is a crap definition of esoteric. Dictionary.com has betrayed you. Esoteric content is meant for an inner circle, a select group. Thousands of teenagers and college kids do not make an inner circle.

What you really mean is that he's a douchebag.

VOTAR said...

Oh dear god, thank you palinode.

I've been biting the inside of my mouth so hard it is bleeding, trying to resist responding to that from the moment I read it.

He's got the definition right, that's one of the acceptable choices. And then went off the rails with it.

Dennis Miller = esoteric.
The Illuminati = esoteric.
The Latin Mass = esoteric.
Quantum Physics = esoteric.
Fraternity Rituals = esoteric.

Dane Cook = lowest common denominator, therefore predictable mass appeal.

Okay, I promise, I'm DONE trying to help with this one, we've kicked it to death.

theodicy said...

Just a little aside...you deserve a medal just for the following bit of writing:

"Understanding that Oprah is not all that she appears to be is a little like being Rowdy Roddy Piper's character in the John Carpenter cult-classic They Live: you've got the glasses on and you seem to be the only one among the sleeping sheep who has any idea that there's a wolf in your midst, and of course when you try to warn others, no one will believe you."

I'm taking that one to the frame shop.

Mentioning "They Live" and "Rowdy Roddy Piper" in the same sentence, and in CONTEXT with Oprah Winfrey is a sign of genius beyond that which I'm can even comprehend...

We are truly NOT worthy...I feel like such a douche bag.

(Note to self: get a DVD of "They Live" ASAP! One of the all-time great cult classics--even better than "A Boy and His Dog")

<>< TM

Chez said...

To my favorite "Monk:"

Thank you so much sir, for a whole lot more than just this comment. I owe you quite a bit, and certainly am appreciative of your wisdom during a couple of difficult times.

That aside, WOW -- A Boy and His Dog. What a hell of a reference.

"World War Three, hot and cold, lasted..."

"Another word of wisdom from 'The Committee's Almanac'.'"

Blood the dog remains one of my favorite characters in the history of cult film. My favorite line of his: "Mmm, breeding is an ugly thing."

theodicy said...

Chez...glad to be of service to you, sir. Honestly, if I said anything wise, it's only because I keep a close relationship with He who is the fount of all wisdom. (If only He didn't keep me in the dark about upcoming terrorist attacks...oh well, I don't have a TV show anyway...)

Just a couple more tid-bits before I go off to dreamland...

- One thing about "A Boy and His Dog:" the whole film is a setup for the the very last line...truly the BEST ending ever in film history. Proof that good writing is more important than a three bazillion dollar special effects budget. (George Lucas, are you listening???)

- I still like "They Live" better, even though I've only seen it ONCE in my life! It was seared into my memory like a laser, especially the goofy fight scene. No other film is so dumb and so brilliant at the same time; no one other than Carpenter could combine professional wrestling with deep philosophical insights into American culture, and make it work.

- "They Live" DVD only $10.99 at Amazon.com...and 195 COMMENTS on the film over at IMDB.com...that's a helluva lot for a "b" movie. Almost all the comments are positive, but the film only gets a 6.6 rating...and 'Dog' gets a 6.5...IMDB has gone downhill ever since Amazon bought it.

- A new tag line for Chez's blog: "I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum..."

- On Dane Cook: I never heard of the guy until I saw him make the #1 spot on your list. I've literally never heard of him....I even knew who Perez Hilton was, but not Dane.

So I went over to trusty You Tube, did a search on "Dane Cook" and watched a few minutes of his act...

...There was a dude who commented that Cook was a rip-off of Garfield...but I think he meant to write Gallagher...an easy couple of folks to get confused about, as one is a large orange comic strip cat, the other is a bald guy with a mullet (and a mallet!) who likes to smash watermelons. I get 'em confused all the time myself...

Anyway, here is ACTUAL MATERIAL from a Dane Cook sketch posted on Tube--the topic is The Discovery Channel...

"They got this guy on the channel now too, his name is Steve Irwin--has anybody seen this guy? He's like this crazy Australian guy! I don't think he's even licensed to be with animals! They just send him into the woods with cameras!"

Yep, definite A-1 douche bag material here...good call.

- And concerning your hero, your savior, the light of your life: M. Night Shyamalan--did you know he just signed a huge contract to direct the the big screen adaption of Nickeloddeon's 'Avatar' cartoon?
No kidding...read it here. It may be his best movie ever...

- Last but not least, Garrison Keillor rips a little bit on MySpace in his latest column for the Tribune, and tells us how to read a newspaper. For some reason, when anyone disses MySpace, I think of you...

OK, enough from me.

All my best to you and Jayne, and may you have a safe, healthy and very prosperous 2007.

God bless.

<>< TM

Anonymous said...

I much enjoyed the read....made me feel somewhat better that there are a number of people out there that are aware of the barrage of talentless, well, douchebags, for lack of a better word.

Also....mucho points for calling out Dane Cook. I am so sick and tired of people saying how hilarious he is, when every time I would see his tour advertised I would literally feel sick to my stomach. The frat-boy picture that you painted is a perfect depiction of what his "comdey" is.

take care

caitlin said...

i have to say.
Dane Cook is not a douche. at all. the people who say he is probably don't even know him. and besides that, because you don't like him or his style of comedy that doesn't automatically make him bad.
and what famous person doesn't sell their looks? anyone who's good looking uses their looks.

caitlin said...

and writing out what he says to show that he "isn't funny" doesn't make a difference. it's the WAY he says things that makes them funny

Chez said...

Caitlin, it's Saturday night for Christ's sake. Don't you have a party at the Lambda Chi house to get to?

Anonymous said...

http://scamboogah.blogspot.com/2006/06/dane-cook-steals-his-material-from.html

This has an audio sample of Louis CK's jokes and then followed by Dane Cooks stolen version (with his over-acting yelling stuff- "yeah, that's making it your own buddy").

Well this is proof. And the people here that say, "No way man, he's talented." You are the commoners in the crowd laughing that didn't know any better. that is all.

Anonymous said...

If you think that George W. Bush is a "dochebag" (or any other great republican) your a dee dee dee

Chez said...

A Carlos Mencia catch-phrase, the inability to spell the word douchebag despite the fact that it appears correctly no fewer than 785 times in the copy and comments, and of course the assertion that Republicans in general and George W. Bush in particular are "great."

Thanks for playing.

ashley said...

you need to add the guy who, at the Bears vs. Saints play-off game, wore a custom-made sign that said "Bears Finishing What Katrina Started." Douchie McDouchebag in his truest form.

Chez said...

That's actually pretty funny. Sick, but funny.

Anonymous said...

there was only one time where i had just a little chuckle at Dane Cook's comedy.....but then he went on with the same joke saying the same thing and he just ruined it. props to saying Dane Cook is a douche.

Anonymous said...

not sure what your problem with dane cook is, sure turns more heads then your piece of shit douchebag list which you however forgot yourself.

douchebag #1-you, for making a list of so called douchebags you douchebag

Chez said...

It's "than," not "then" you fucking idiot.

Less time drinking warm Coors and running through Dane Cook routines with your frat brothers; more time paying attention in class stupid.

David said...

I typed "Dane Cook is a douche" into Google Search, and got your list. Bravo, sir. You even placed him at number one, which I applaud. I can't begin to express the hatred, loathing, and violent urges that course through my brain when I hear that man pass the word "sangwich" off as a joke.

Anonymous said...

Hhahahahaah Pure genius, you made my week just with your comments on Rosie O'Donnell, this is the most apt description of that fat crass with pig manners that i've ever seen. I don't like Donald Trump but I think what he's done make him a little bit less a douchebag than O'Donnell who is a natural in that area.

John C. said...

Chez-

I know this comment is added too late, and therefore probably won't be seen by you until...the apocalypse? In any case, I feel it necessary to say a couple things:
1. Dane Cook really is a douchebag. However, I have certain grades of douchebaggery that I feel I should share. A friend and I went into a dollar store at one point and saw that indeed, there was dollar-store douche. We realized that it really was the lowest bidder of douche and thus became our identifier of truly worthless individuals. I qualify our dear Dane as dollar-store douche. I hope you enjoy this phrase as much as I do.
2. Thank you. I look back on this post and can't help but bust out laughing every time I read, "50 Cent blows." So succinct.

Cake said...

sup guys, i hear you on rosie o donnel and the congress, but why in the fuck did you rat on dane?

some of you anon deserve to get your asses kicked

sure theres an old fucker out there that dane stole from, but who gives a shit, i heard the original material, im suprised anyone laughed, out of the people that did

why you put him number 1 is out of my hands, this is college humor for college and some below, but i dont know how dane was put above congress

you guys can keep your goddamn opinions to yourselves

that kramer fag should be closer to the douche of the universe award than dane should, dane never called anyone a nigger, he mentioned "black people" and their responce in driving, what did people hear? Laughter

seriously, if dane cook causes mental (wrongwords ftw) damage, then look around at congress and rosie and all of these other sick fucks who are destroying our country

McQ said...

Um, wow, the funniest thing I have read on this post so far has been the commenter above me misspelling the word grammar. Sorry I'm about a year to late as well, but, just in case anyone didn't pay attention to 2007, Dane Cook is (still) a HUGE douche.