Thursday, October 05, 2006
You've Come a Long Way Baby
The man who proves that the Hitler Youth may have provided better career preparation than previously thought, Pope Benedict XVI, is expected to make an important announcement tomorrow.
He'll reportedly decree that babies who die before having a chance to be baptized will in fact be granted entry into the Kingdom of Heaven.
This isn't so much a dogmatic decision as a promotional one; the Catholic Church doesn't want to be seen as cruel and exclusory in the eyes of the entire country of Africa, which it's consistently targeted for conversion to the one true superstition, and which has an infant mortality rate somewhere around 99% (the other 1% being those children who are adopted by Madonna).
It's worth mentioning however that although the belief that unbaptized children can't enter heaven and instead wind up stuck in limbo was never officially endorsed by the Vatican, it was taught in Catholic schools and churches around the world under the supervision of the archbishops and cardinals for decades.
Thankfully, the pope -- in his infinite infallibility -- is now going to clear up all the confusion, which will no doubt be a huge relief to all those mothers giving birth to dead babies in Sudan.