Thursday, October 05, 2006

You've Come a Long Way Baby


The man who proves that the Hitler Youth may have provided better career preparation than previously thought, Pope Benedict XVI, is expected to make an important announcement tomorrow.

He'll reportedly decree that babies who die before having a chance to be baptized will in fact be granted entry into the Kingdom of Heaven.

This isn't so much a dogmatic decision as a promotional one; the Catholic Church doesn't want to be seen as cruel and exclusory in the eyes of the entire country of Africa, which it's consistently targeted for conversion to the one true superstition, and which has an infant mortality rate somewhere around 99% (the other 1% being those children who are adopted by Madonna).

It's worth mentioning however that although the belief that unbaptized children can't enter heaven and instead wind up stuck in limbo was never officially endorsed by the Vatican, it was taught in Catholic schools and churches around the world under the supervision of the archbishops and cardinals for decades.

Thankfully, the pope -- in his infinite infallibility -- is now going to clear up all the confusion, which will no doubt be a huge relief to all those mothers giving birth to dead babies in Sudan.

7 comments:

Liz said...

Whew, thank God for that. Jesus has been telling me for years that children who die unshriven are not bound for hell, or purgatory to escape the original sin. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one Jesus talks to. I think I've asked this before, but am I the only one that's bothered by the Nazi affiliation of the new Pope? Or is it just another matter of hardcore Catholics not giving a shit about fascism? Sorry, off topic.

Chez said...

At least you didn't mention anything about how you think Jesus is hot and you want to screw him.

I was worried you were gonna go there.

Liz said...

Oh, belive me, I thought about it.

Stevie said...

But a real pain in the arse for all those little babies running around in heaven, shitting their nappies (diapers to you colonialists) for eternity coz mummy didnt come along for the ride. St Peter should set up a creche or something....

Julie said...

Have they defined the terms of this "baby?" Birth? 3rd trimester, 2nd, 1st?

mike m said...

I've posted before on the evils of organized religeon, and this week its painfully evident in my community. The unbelievably, ordinary looking milkman who shot 10 amish girls this week, asked them to pray for him before he unleashed his carnage. While his wife attended a prayer meeting, Charlie Roberts was at the hardware store buying wire ties to bind the girls. This morning, while reading the account of the Fisher sisters, 11 and 13, asking to be shot first to spare the other girls, I cried. I'm not blaming Roberts family, or church, at all, nobody could be held culpable for this act of pure evil except Roberts himself. I just can't believe the power with which "religeon" or the "message" gets twisted in the mind of a seemingly ordinary person.

Andre said...

So aborted babies go to heaven?

That should clear up the controversy, who would argue for unwanted children to go thru a life of neglect/foster homes/etc when they could just get a free ticket to paradise?