Sunday, October 01, 2006

I'm Mark Foley, and I Approved this Message

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take One

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made children a priority. From my work as the head of the Congressional Caucus on Children's Issues, to my personal, hands-on experience with teenage boys, I've always...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Two

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to take a minute to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made the well-being of children a priority. I got head from children with issues...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Three

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I... uh... I forgot my lines, can I get a page to bring them to me?

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Four

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

We all want our children to grow up healthy and strong -- especially our young boys. Mmmmm... young boys.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley and I'm from Florida.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hi there folks, I'm Mark Foley... and I'm running for Archbishop.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Six

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hey, that fat bastard Hastert said it was okay!

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Seven

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hi folks, I'm Mark Foley... and the only thing I fuck harder than male congressional pages, is the Republican Party...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Eight

Music: The Miracles' (I'm Just A) Love Machine/Opening Montage of Mark Foley in Bermuda Dancing with Jim McGreevey and Various Shirtless Boys -- Dissolve to Foley Sitting at Office Computer (Right Hand is Hidden from View)


Hi, I'm Mark Foley.

So I secretly lust after teenage boys... so what. The truth is that as a Republican, as long as I self-righteously stand against the twin-scourges of abortion and gay marriage... and of course fight to keep a feeding tube stuck down the throat of any Floridian who happens to be in a persistent vegetative state... the rest of my brain-dead constituency will be sure to keep my political career going in some form or another. Sure, I had to tender an obligatory resignation. I'll lay low for awhile, then reappear and issue a heartfelt mea culpa wherein I say something about having sinned against God and looking for forgiveness and blah, blah, blah. The Florida voters and the GOP will probably give me another chance. I mean, come on... the guys at the top of my party's food chain knew what I was doing and kept it quiet. I know we're religious and all, but who would've thought we'd officially adopt so much Catholic Church doctrine.

Look... our party's given you George W. Bush, Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum, Duke Cunningham and a guy who tells Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself and shoots old men in the face. Our unopposed rule has seen the 9/11 attacks, two wars, the loss of our respect and moral authority around the globe, too many scandals to mention, and the drowning of New Orleans. Yet look who's still in control. You guys are like the victims of spousal abuse... you just keep making excuses and coming back for more. You let this happen.

So vote for me, or don't. Remember, this is Florida... I'll get elected regardless.

Music Swell -- Voice Over

"This message brought to you by Boy Scout Veterans for Truth."

Contact Mark Foley at www.myspace.com/congressman4boyz

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(I realize I said that I would be taking a few days off, but come on -- this whole scandal is the equivalent of a really awesome birthday gift; I'm sure the Democrats think so too. After years of its seemingly bottomless wellspring of arrogance, it's both satisfying and hysterical to watch the self-immolation of the entire Republican Party.)

10 comments:

markie said...

hi, i'm the real mark foley and you can visit me at my new web site. www.pagesgonewild.com

Liz said...

You are right Chez, it's like this shit just writes itself. I was cracking up at the mental image of this staid man kissing babies and thinking "In a few years, you are going to be soooo hot." Thank you God! I was wrong to get mad at you for not giving me a pony, this is so much better.

sherry said...

As a native-but-relocated-Floridian, I have been a) enjoying the hell out of this story and b) SO hoping you'd do something with it. LMAO and forwarding it to all of my fellow Floridians. Although perhaps not the Republican and Catholic ones. Or maybe so. I bet they'll find it just as funny as I did. Right?

slouchmonkey said...

"Hi, my name is Mark Foley and I like to fuck teenage boys. But, I also care about the things you care about. The right to life. Lower taxes for working families earning $1 million/per year. And, our continuing struggle against those goddamned terrorist that hate our way of life. Let's cum together and I guarantee we'll make a brighter tomorrow."

VOTAR said...

WASHINGTON -- For more than a week, members of Congress said they would avoid partisan politics when they got Kenneth Starr's report on President Clinton. But when they finally saw it Friday, they split along party lines.

Republicans were aghast at Clinton's behavior, with many saying it showed he had lied and abused his power.

"It's vile," said Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach. "It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."

Some of the strongest reaction Friday was in response to Starr's account of Lewinsky performing oral sex on Clinton as he chatted with members of Congress on the telephone.

That was "just sad," Foley said. "It's unbelievable that he could behave so carelessly in that setting."


---Saint Petersburg Times, September 12, 1998.

Jaedon Woods said...

Hi, I'm Mark Foley and I'm here to fight for you. The issues are my only concern...like teenage drinking. Do you know how many beers i have to give to young boys so they'll allow me to snort blow off there cock while we're waiting for my youth soccer team to come over for a game of "Truth of Dare"? It's ridiculous people. I mean, young teenage boys aren't gonna fuck themselves. You need a representative who'll fight for you. And while I'm freestyling, what's with all the lack of security on the internet and IM's? A grown man can't talk to a couple boys about throwin the pigskin around with our shirts off then, kickin back on my group hammock and rubbing delicious Cocoa Butter on each other while we talk about how hot Orlando Bloom is?! Land of the free my ass. If loving young boys is wrong, then I don't wanna be right. I'm Mark Foley. I'm here for you. I've got the new XBox and plenty of totally Phat games if you just wanna, you know, come over and hang, chillax, kick that funky sheit, then, I don't know, show each other how to give good oral or something, THESE ARE JUST IDEAS PEOPLE! Vote for me. Please. I need more boys.

Sodomy Sod-OH MY in '07!

Anonymous said...

ok

just want to throw this out there...

if the Democrats can't win control of AT LEAST the House, given this thing handed to them on a silver platter...

well...

then fuck 'em to hell

(anyone want to bet that they won't, useless fuckers that they are? c'mon...even money...)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Robo said...

Two things:

1) I wonder just how far up this is going to go. Reports today say that GOP'ers knew about this for at least 5 months. (Plus as more and more former Pages come forward we'll learn new names I'm sure)

2) If the Dem's can't turn this (the act and the possible Cover-up) into something wonderfully positive this November then I may just move to Italy.

Come on DEM's....they're handing you the election on a silver platter...

Hoosier X said...

Duuuude,

If the Democrats don't win the House or the Senate in November, I think it says more about the DUMB-FUCKS who vote Republican than it does about the Democrats.

"Well, Mabel, they may be diddlin' the yung'uns, but at least they won't be givin' all my hard-earned money to the nigras and the Mexicuns. 'Sides, the pages probably led them on. The durn liberal media hasn't said a thing about what them durty boys were wearing. Seems kinda suspicious, doncha think?"

(I have been avoiding talking to my mother because I really do not want to hear my own mother defending the Gang Of Pedarasts and trying to push this meme that the REAL issue is the timing. I so hate the Republicans for turning half of this once great nation into a collection of immoral half-wits. Be nice? I AM BEING NICE!)