Sunday, October 22, 2006

And Now, A Special Sunday Morning Message for Hollywood from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth*

Alright, I'm gonna try and keep this clean since -- you know -- it's Sunday. I know that doesn't mean anything to you pagan, child-sacrificing fuckers out there in La-La Land, but it still means something to the rest of us God-fearing folk.


You guys have been bitching up a storm recently about the fact that nobody goes to the movies anymore. Box office receipts are down; audiences are apathetic; no one seems to appreciate the joyous communal experience of gathering at the local theater with every single living soul within a twenty mile radius to take in whatever blockbuster you've spent millions of advertising dollars shoving down our throats beginning six months prior to the opening of the fucking thing -- uh, sorry freakin' thing.

I'm here to tell you why that is.

On your end, yeah, I'm sorry to break it to you but the product usually sucks. For every one truly decent movie you clowns are churning out between putting your faces into big piles of cocaine on your desks -- there are twenty that I wouldn't watch if you strapped me to a chair and held my eyes open like in that Clockwork Orange Julius movie or whatever the hell it was called. I mean DEAR GOD -- you douchebags haven't had a consistent string of original ideas since the 70s; now everything's either a sequel or a two-hour version of a half-hour TV show -- or worse, a fucking... oops... a freakin' five minute sketch on Saturday Night Live. By the way, don't even bother calling 90% of those Will Ferrell vehicles "new." That's horseshit and you know it. They're all the same movie created around the same character in a different costume. While you're at it, how about declaring a moratorium on computer-animated movies with talking anything. Cars, animals, shrubbery, toilets, toys, dildos, Walter Fucking Mondale -- whatever. We see them for what they are: cynical attempts to get our ADD-medicated kids to drag our beleaguered asses to the theaters.

You're probably single-handedly responsible for more child murders in this country than post-partum depression.


After a dismal, unmemorable movie year filled with the kind of dreck I just described, what have you given us to look forward to?

A movie that literally sounds like a freakin' joke on Family Guy:

Transformers: A Michael Bay Film.

Hold on a second.

(Begins laughing out loud to the point where he can't catch his breath. This goes on for several minutes.)


What the hell were you people thinking?

Did you not know that the trailer alone was gonna provoke unrestrained laughter from the audience? This is a live-action version of the stupidest cartoon ever, with a budget the size of the gross national product of the Netherlands, directed by the unmitigated hack who foisted Bad Boys 2 and The Island on us.

Who green-lit this shit?

GOD, it makes my fucking brain hurt.

Fuck you Hollywood.

Just fuck you.

(Shakes his head and walks away for a moment, grunting with displeasure -- before finally returning.)

Okay, now on to another important reason no one's going to the movies anymore -- and unfortunately for you Hollywood, this is something you can't control.

So last night I went to see The Departed -- a decent movie to be sure, although quite frankly it was hard for me to tell, what with the fucking bitch sitting two seats over from me talking on her cell phone; the 107-year-old man wandering the aisles of the sold-out show calling out to his family trying to locate them in the middle of the fucking movie; the line around the goddamned block to buy an eight-dollar bucket of stale popcorn; the Upper East Side JAP stereotype to my right reacting with requisite shock to every single obvious plot twist; the eight-foot-tall center for the Knicks sitting directly in front of my wife; and the piece-de-fucking-resistance: waiting in line for ten minutes to get into the bathroom following the show -- then being shoved into the urinal by a blind man trying to get into one of the stalls.

In case I didn't make myself clear, that would be A BLIND MAN AT A FUCKING MOVIE.

Remember the old days, when you used to sell us on how those big productions you were cranking out just had to be experienced on the big screen to be fully appreciated?

Well guess what you assholes -- this was the first time that my wife the porn star and I walked out of a fucking theater and looked at each other saying, "We really need to see that at home on our big-screen TV with the home-theater surround-sound to get the full effect."

Our home: where it's just two very happy people sitting on the comfortable couch with a front-row seat, great food and drink, a bathroom ten steps away -- and not another fucking person in sight.

Seriously Hollywood, follow Soderbergh's example and release movies on DVD and Pay-Per-View the same date you release them in the theaters -- that way most of us can skip the fucking nightmarish 9th circle of hell that is going to a movie at the theater these days.


If I give you some cocaine?

(*As always, the views and opinions of Garth do not necessarily represent those of Chez -- who in fact has a great respect for the elderly, the blind, JAP stereotypes, the New York Knicks and Walter Mondale.)


skator said...

Word. I understand that I represent only one demographic and that I won't enjoy every single movie that makes it to theatres, but it's pretty ridiculous when they're shoving crap like "American Dreamz" and "Fast and the Furious 3" down our throats and then getting pissed off when we don't like it.

Genevieve said...

I've been saying it for the past few years and I'll keep saying it: the majority of the good movies made today are small-budget indie films. If they'd only play in more theaters and get more publicity, they'd make a shitload of money and all the idiot studios would be left in the dust.

Anonymous said...

Say now whats a JAP?
Im from Australia therefore have no idea what one is and thankfully going to the movies is still a comfortable, clean and agro free experience...though It does cost around $25 for a ticket and we pay around double that for stale pop corn.
Fun Times.

Chez said...

JAP = Jewish American Princess.

Obnoxious, typically well-off Jewish woman with all the class of a Gabor sister on crank; a voice like a fork being dragged across an unwaxed car; a taste in fashion that Bozo the Clown would envy; and of course, a sense of entitlement that would sink a battleship.

Often travel in packs.

Raison d'etre: gossiping; complaining; annoying the piss out of anyone who isn't like them; landing a rich Jewish husband.

New York's Upper East Side is pretty much their natural habitat and breeding ground -- unless it's summer, then you can find them in the Hamptons being run down in a Range Rover, ironically driven by their patron saint Lizzie Grubman.

Think Janice from Friends, or maybe Fran Drescher on The Nanny -- or anywhere else for that matter.

Call me racist for this description and I'll tell you to go screw yourself. As I've said before on several occasions, stereotypes unfortunately exist for a reason.

Julie said...

The only time we go see a movie anymore is on Sunday mornings. Seems like all the morons sleep in and it's cheaper. But that's only if my hubby can't find a pirated version of the movie for us to watch at home. And, no I don't feel bad I'm robbing people who make $20 mil for 3 months of work.

Stuka said...

Man! What are you doing??

People got shot for less when they told the truth about Hollywood.

Right now hitteams of teenage-Scream33loving-matrix coated moviebuffs are racing for your home adress.

Hide, man. Hide.

All we need now is a drunk-actor-driving to hush up the tidalwave you created.

Ceep it up!
Grtz from Holland.
(Wish we had that as BNP!)

Jaedon Woods said...

What?! Would you have me believe that another movie with Will Farrell taking a mildly amusing (at best) schtick and turing it into 115 minutes of life wasted you can never get back isn't entertainment? How dare you sir.

Should I also believe that Ashton Kutcher showing us his dramatic chops as a time-travelling sage or a world-saving Coast Guard isn't worth the low price of $12 per ticket? I rebuke you Satan.

And as far as the JAPs the immortal words of Michael're a racist and a mean. I can only imagine that you're love for them has caused you to forget the random mixed-fucking nuts you get anytime you try to actually go to a movie theatre in LALA. Sounds like you need aggressive re-education. I'll go buy you some $18 ArchLight tickets right now (but hey, at least you get assigned if that's a fuckin plus).

Sadly, the business isn't concerned with anything except proven formulas with tired cliches so they can pay for there houses in Malibu, there Bently's and of course, there hookers dipped in coke.

One day you'll understand. Until then, look for "Smurfs: The Movie" coming soon, starring Will Farrell as an asexual Smurfette.

Schwa Love said...

Close Jaedon, though it looks like Julia Sweeney will be Smurfette. But hey, she's also an SNL alum known for playing a creepy asexual creature.

Anonymous said...

Smurfs 2008...dear god. no. no. no.

Chez said...

One more time for the cheap seats:

Fuck, Fuck, FUCK Hollywood.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention one more very significant reason to never step foot into a theater again: the frelling infants and three-year-olds. I swear to Christ I am sick and tired of going to "R"-rated movies and seeing (and indeed hearing) confused, tired toddlers squawking their discontent out loud, running up and down the aisles, kicking seats, spilling their shit all over the place, etc. It doesn't matter what time I go to the theater: 11:00 am or 11:00 pm or anything in-between; they are there.

Then to add insult to injury, the movie ends up being so-so anyway.

As for the Smurfs in 2008, I propose either:
a) a mass suicide, so we will never have subject ourselves to a preview where the name "Gargamel" is uttered or
b) a mass homicide, for which we all buy sniper rifles, sit atop the roof of the sound lot, and take down the actors, directors, producers and, hell, even the key grip guy as they approach, thereby also ensuring that we will never hear the utterance of the name "Gargamel."

VOTAR said...

Gina has reminded me of the time I went to see Starship Troopers -- easily one of the most over the top gratuitously violent movies able to barely squeak under the R-rating threshold -- and the guy in the seat right in front of me had his little daughter there, who was maybe 4 or 5. Okay, so he couldn't get a sitter...but he just HAD to see Starship Troopers that day?

While scores of costumed extras onscreen were being disemboweled and ripped apart like wet toilet paper by giant bugs, the bored little girl was wandering the aisles, talking to strangers, doing cartwheels... Daddy said nothing.

Finally I just leaned forward and hissed "shut that fucking kid up."

If you've seen Starship Troopers, there's that scene where the enormous bug the size of a building comes up out of the ground to squish more humans... That's what this guy looked like to me as he slowly turned around in his chair and stood up in front of me. Except this guy was even bigger. Apparently Bigfoot was having a father-daughter day at the movies.

But as I prepared myself for the simian fist sandwich I was sure was coming, luckily everyone else in the seats around me backed me up, and Sasquatch sat back down and stayed quiet for the rest of the movie. Mini-monkey? Not so much. I remember that as Michael Ironside's drill seargent character is having his legs chewed off by a giant insect, the little darling pointed to the screen and asked "Daddy, where's the rest of him?"

sparksinner said...

Hey. There's an article in the New Yorker (mid Jan. issue) which details exactly what you're discussing. Check it out.

From what I remember the writer agrees with you, but he has much to learn about brevity. Or maybe it's because you're not getting paid by the word.