Sunday, October 22, 2006
And Now, A Special Sunday Morning Message for Hollywood from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth*
Alright, I'm gonna try and keep this clean since -- you know -- it's Sunday. I know that doesn't mean anything to you pagan, child-sacrificing fuckers out there in La-La Land, but it still means something to the rest of us God-fearing folk.
You guys have been bitching up a storm recently about the fact that nobody goes to the movies anymore. Box office receipts are down; audiences are apathetic; no one seems to appreciate the joyous communal experience of gathering at the local theater with every single living soul within a twenty mile radius to take in whatever blockbuster you've spent millions of advertising dollars shoving down our throats beginning six months prior to the opening of the fucking thing -- uh, sorry freakin' thing.
I'm here to tell you why that is.
On your end, yeah, I'm sorry to break it to you but the product usually sucks. For every one truly decent movie you clowns are churning out between putting your faces into big piles of cocaine on your desks -- there are twenty that I wouldn't watch if you strapped me to a chair and held my eyes open like in that Clockwork Orange Julius movie or whatever the hell it was called. I mean DEAR GOD -- you douchebags haven't had a consistent string of original ideas since the 70s; now everything's either a sequel or a two-hour version of a half-hour TV show -- or worse, a fucking... oops... a freakin' five minute sketch on Saturday Night Live. By the way, don't even bother calling 90% of those Will Ferrell vehicles "new." That's horseshit and you know it. They're all the same movie created around the same character in a different costume. While you're at it, how about declaring a moratorium on computer-animated movies with talking anything. Cars, animals, shrubbery, toilets, toys, dildos, Walter Fucking Mondale -- whatever. We see them for what they are: cynical attempts to get our ADD-medicated kids to drag our beleaguered asses to the theaters.
You're probably single-handedly responsible for more child murders in this country than post-partum depression.
After a dismal, unmemorable movie year filled with the kind of dreck I just described, what have you given us to look forward to?
A movie that literally sounds like a freakin' joke on Family Guy:
Transformers: A Michael Bay Film.
Hold on a second.
(Begins laughing out loud to the point where he can't catch his breath. This goes on for several minutes.)
What the hell were you people thinking?
Did you not know that the trailer alone was gonna provoke unrestrained laughter from the audience? This is a live-action version of the stupidest cartoon ever, with a budget the size of the gross national product of the Netherlands, directed by the unmitigated hack who foisted Bad Boys 2 and The Island on us.
Who green-lit this shit?
GOD, it makes my fucking brain hurt.
Fuck you Hollywood.
Just fuck you.
(Shakes his head and walks away for a moment, grunting with displeasure -- before finally returning.)
Okay, now on to another important reason no one's going to the movies anymore -- and unfortunately for you Hollywood, this is something you can't control.
So last night I went to see The Departed -- a decent movie to be sure, although quite frankly it was hard for me to tell, what with the fucking bitch sitting two seats over from me talking on her cell phone; the 107-year-old man wandering the aisles of the sold-out show calling out to his family trying to locate them in the middle of the fucking movie; the line around the goddamned block to buy an eight-dollar bucket of stale popcorn; the Upper East Side JAP stereotype to my right reacting with requisite shock to every single obvious plot twist; the eight-foot-tall center for the Knicks sitting directly in front of my wife; and the piece-de-fucking-resistance: waiting in line for ten minutes to get into the bathroom following the show -- then being shoved into the urinal by a blind man trying to get into one of the stalls.
In case I didn't make myself clear, that would be A BLIND MAN AT A FUCKING MOVIE.
Remember the old days, when you used to sell us on how those big productions you were cranking out just had to be experienced on the big screen to be fully appreciated?
Well guess what you assholes -- this was the first time that my wife the porn star and I walked out of a fucking theater and looked at each other saying, "We really need to see that at home on our big-screen TV with the home-theater surround-sound to get the full effect."
Our home: where it's just two very happy people sitting on the comfortable couch with a front-row seat, great food and drink, a bathroom ten steps away -- and not another fucking person in sight.
Seriously Hollywood, follow Soderbergh's example and release movies on DVD and Pay-Per-View the same date you release them in the theaters -- that way most of us can skip the fucking nightmarish 9th circle of hell that is going to a movie at the theater these days.
If I give you some cocaine?
(*As always, the views and opinions of Garth do not necessarily represent those of Chez -- who in fact has a great respect for the elderly, the blind, JAP stereotypes, the New York Knicks and Walter Mondale.)