Thursday, September 14, 2006

True Lies


September 13th, 2006
From: Associated Press

On the heels of Creative Artist Agency's admission that the internet phenomenon known as "lonelygirl15" was nothing more than an elaborate hoax, we at the Associated Press regret to announce that in truth, the entire "lonelygirl15" scandal was itself nothing more than an elaborate hoax.

As you know, we are the leading source of information not only for the public at large, but for the hundreds of news organizations which inform the public, putting us in a unique -- and in this case unfortunate -- position to perpetrate a fraud of this magnitude.

This afternoon, thousands of media outlets -- newspaper, television, internet and radio -- reported that an internet "vlogger" known as "lonelygirl15," was in fact a nineteen-year-old actress named Jessica Lee Rose. The report claimed that the character Rose was playing had become an internet sensation, posting several videos on the popular "YouTube" website which detailed her day to day life. The reports also said that recently, viewers of the videos had begun to doubt the authenticity of them -- some setting out to uncover the truth about "lonelygirl15." The final twist supposedly came yesterday, with the reports claiming that the scam had been exposed as being the brainchild of three Hollywood screenwriters working with the powerful Creative Artists Agency.

In reality, the entire story about the hoax was the brainchild of a disgruntled Associated Press Editor, who enlisted the help of some college buddies to portray the screenwriters for television interviews. Far more importantly however, the editor -- who shall remain nameless -- paid several computer hackers to immediately flood the internet with sufficient past "lonelygirl15" videos and backstories (on sites such as YouTube and Wikipedia) so that anyone looking for information would find supposed facts dating back several months. Even the purported fans and skeptics were nothing more than hired actors.

In truth, no real people had ever heard of "lonelygirl15" until they heard the report on the news about her not being a real person.

Associated Press Vice-President Harry Lime has issued the follwing comment in the wake of the fake scandal scandal:

"This is easily the most intricate scam perpetrated on the world since the unfulfilled promise of Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League. We're terribly embarrassed, and we can't apologize enough to those who were duped... uh, twice."

Because no laws have technically been broken, the Associated Press plans to deal with this issue internally. No official punishment has been decided on -- although Senior Managers are contemplating forcing the editor to keep his job.

KILL DATE: September 15th, 2006


Robo said...

Call me "Out of the loop" or "a man least likely to be a pedophile" but I never heard of this crap until yesterday.

Why do I feel like the only people who are upset are 40yr old men who were patiently sitting at their monitors with the mouse in one hand, their tube-steak in the other waiting for a nip slip?

I can't believe this is the shit that makes frontpage news....

VOTAR said...

So that guy made a mockery...of mockery.

Chez said...

Robo: My point exactly. Every single person I've talked to -- which includes a good portion of my stuffed animals -- had no idea who lonelygirl15 was until the story broke yesterday.

Incidentally, congratulations on being the last person in the lower 48 to use the term "tube-steak."

Your subscription to Maxim is on its way.

: )

Jaedon Woods said...

In loosely related news, please visit my new MySpace page: "lonelyblackguywhodresseslike15yearoldcaucasiangirl" soon. It's a hot site! And be sure to subscribe to Mens Health magazine and Pedophile Weekly.

Robo said...

I was going to use "Dog" or "Slider" but I wasn't sure who's read "Choke" or not...


cruella dahling said...

Oh, Harry Lime, is it??? Very clever!!! Yeah, this whole lonelygirl thing is a bunch of crap. Never saw it on YouTube, cause I have my own 15 year old daughter...what do I want to watch another once for?
Anyway, LOVED the use of "Harry Lime"!! And, I love reading your blog.

VOTAR said...

"The next morning, right about the time Racquel was spilling her little secret, a man nobody ever laid eyes on before strolled into the Casco Bank of Portland. Until that moment, he didn't exist -- except on paper. He had all the proper I.D. Driver's license, birth certificate, social security card. The signature was a spot-on match. Mr. Stevens visited nearly a dozen
banks in the Portland area that
morning. All told, he blew town
with better than 370 thousand
dollars of Warden Norton's money.
Severance pay for nineteen years.

"I wasn't there to see it, but I hear Byron Hadley was sobbing like a
little girl when they took him away. Norton had no intention of goin'
that quietly.

"I like to think the last thing that
went through his head...other than
that bullet...was to wonder how the
hell Andy Dufresne ever got the
best of him."

Not Relaxed said...

Wow, Chez, this guy has your number. Making a mockery of mockery from the perspective of an AP editor. Look for Deus ex Demagogue to hit Blogger soon.

cruella dahling said...

votar, you are my hero!


Liz said...

I am stunned, STUNNED that someone as clever and sophisticated as I am could have fallen for this madness. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and you have earned a lifetime of swirlies in a festering toilet, er something like that. Seriously, I had no clue what this shit was until I saw it here. Thanks for keeping me informed Chez. You provide a valuable service.

VOTAR said...

Cruella, dahling, meet me there. We'll open a little hotel, fix up a charter boat, take people out fishing, spend the evenings playing chess...

Peter L. Winkler said...

I am so cynical/realistic that I was buying into your fake AP story until you used Harry Lime as a character name. Kinda gave it away there, pal.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the gist of your fake AP story were true.

choenbone said...

fake AP story eh. Who the fuck is "lonleygirl15"? I've never heard of such malarky till now. Even working at Wal-Mart(the gossip capital of retail)you don't hear about shit like this. I'm just disappointed that we(our respective psychotic families) didn't conjure up this ruse in the first place.