Tuesday, September 19, 2006

And Now, a Message from Satan

What up dog? Beelzezzle in the hezzay.

That one always cracks me up; learned it from the guy who wipes my ass every morning, Biggie. Oh come on -- you didn't think that fat fuck was going upstairs did you? He deserved to be damned for no other reason than inspiring Puff Daddy to record that shitty song with Sting. Hey, I'm all about torture, but even I draw the line someplace.

But listen kids, I didn't come here to talk to you about music -- although I do want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with Reggaeton; you fuckers made that mess all on your own.

No, I want to talk to you about God.

Yeah, you see -- I kinda have a confession to make.

He doesn't exist.

Look, I know you're gonna think that I'm fucking with you -- the "religious" folk are gonna start up with that whole Prince-of-Lies-get-thee-behind-me crap. But I swear -- I'm not bullshitting you.

There just is no god.

The truth is that about twelve-thousand years or so ago, you guys were all living in relative peace. I mean, yeah, you'd beat each other over the heads with clubs for food or land or maybe because you didn't have anything better to do on a Saturday night and TV hadn't been invented yet to keep you docile and complacent -- but as for major conflicts, not only did you not have much in the way of organizational skills -- you didn't have much worth fighting and dying over either.

Then me and a couple of the frat brothers decided to go out drinking, and -- well -- things got kinda out of hand.

One of my bros -- we call him Skeeter -- bet me that I couldn't come up with a way to fuck up the Earth for the remainder of its existence. I mean, you guys were looking like you might soon start coming into your own, and maybe the fellas thought that you might start getting a little too high and mighty and that it could be dangerous for guys like us; you might screw up the great cosmic deal we've had since before time was time.

I was pretty drunk, and I figured, what the hell -- no pun intended.

So I came up with this idea that I had to admit was pretty clever: create an ultimate being that all of you would be willing to worship, but none of you could actually prove exists. I wanted something you'd abandon all reason in the name of -- no matter how reasonable you might be in regard to every other part of your lives. I wanted you to act like complete batshit lunatics who'd actually be willing to piss away all the wonder and beauty and variety of life -- the here and now -- in favor of some supposedly great reward after you die; and even better, I knew that you'd become haughty little shits about it -- berating those who you didn't feel were lucky enough to have bought into the great kingdom in the sky. I knew you'd arrogantly try to make everyone into carbon copies of you. I knew you'd try and make everyone into believers.

But here's the best part -- and oh, this one was just fucking genius; man, when I said this, Skeeter practically fell off his barstool.

Not all of you would worship the same god; I'd give you more than one.

So before the night was out, we came up with a couple of silly stories about black rocks and winged horses and burning bushes and assorted bullshit like that, and we started planting the seeds that would inspire your holy books. To be honest, a couple of those seeds went off in the wrong direction and turned into stories about Santa Claus, Jack and the Beanstalk, the Easter Bunny and so on. I really thought at some point you guys would catch on that basically your fairy tales and your gospels were the same fucking things -- but hey, I also figured Hee-Haw wouldn't last a full season, so I guess there's no accounting for taste or intelligence when it comes to you monkeys.

Well, now that I'm showing my hand -- I guess I should explain why I'm doing it.

As Hal Holbrook said in every thriller he's ever been in, It's gotten out of control. It's too big.

This week was just the last straw.

Look, I have no problem with those of you who've fallen for my little practical joke fighting it out with those of you smart enough to not have; that was kind of the idea. But when the two most powerful groups of people who've set aside all logic and reason in the name of "God" begin arguing over whose superstitous nonsense can beat up whose -- and one side tries to furiously defend itself against accusations that it's violent by threatening to kill people -- well, that's when I know that the party's gotten a little out of hand.

I know what you're thinking: "Hey, these two sides have fought in hand-to-hand combat before -- why are you stepping in now?"

The answer is simple dingbats:

That was centuries ago. That was before the Age of Enlightenment -- remember that shit? That really stuck huh?

Jesus Made-up Christ, are you people fucking idiots? You have science and medicine and technology, and if you yearn for something to give your lives more meaning, you have love. I know that sounds insane coming from me, but for fuck's sake -- you're willing to accept that a ridiculous old man in a funny hat and Liberace's cape knows the path to a glorious afterlife; I think it's safe to say you'll believe just about anything.

One more time for the cheap seats; consider it doing you a favor:

Islam is violent and fucking batshit crazy -- and it's completely made-up nonsense.

Catholicism is dangerous and arrogant and stupid -- and it's also completely made-up nonsense.

Biggie isn't really here with me; he isn't anywhere but in the ground.

If you want to save the fragile rock you're all forced to live on from ultimate destruction, you might want to start living like this is the only life you all have.

Because it is.

I've gotta run now; that new Studio 60 show is about to come on. I love all that TV-behind-the-scenes stuff. My kinda people.

Satan, out.


VOTAR said...

Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.

Don't these talking monkeys know that Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this Holy Garden, silly monkeys
Where there's one you're bound to divide it,
Right in two

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason,
And this is what they choose?

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys given thumbs they forge a blade
And where there's one they're bound to divide it
Right in two

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys given thumbs they make a club,
And beat their brother down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability,
To lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here.

Cutting it all right in two

Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over your lie, over blood, over anything
Fight over love, over sun, over nothing
Fight till they die,
Over what? For their ending

Angels on the sideline again.
Been so long with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again.
Wondering when this tug of war will end.

Cut it all right in two.

Prophet of Ra said...

There are many things I could say about all this. I thought it was pretty good. But pretty much any comment I have to say is summed up in this:

You should read Ishmael, The Story of B, and My Ishmael. All by Daniel Quinn. And make sure you read all of them, because each book talks about something different.

That goes for anyone who reads this blog. Chez hit something very important here. I wouldn't go so far as to say we're fucking up the Earth. But I would say that we are fucking up ourselves by not paying attention to the rest of the Earth.

So yeah. good post.

cruella dahling said...

God, Chez, brilliant. Yeah, love that the assertion that Islam is violent has so upset believers that they want to kill people. And, yeah, Catholicism is so great, too. People, get over it!!!! Life is what we have here and now, not what made-up shit some doofus is telling you so that you will put money is his plate so he can buy a new Lexus. I work in the office of a church, so I know of what I speak. It's bullshit. Plus, name me one religion that doesn't hate women, besides maybe Wicca? Anyone, anyone? Yeah, that's what I thought....

Chez said...

You work in the office of a church? Damn, I love the Michael Corleonean aesthetic.

As for religion oppressing women -- it doens't even merit a secondary affirmation. If it isn't obvious to someone that almost every mono-theistic religion was dreamed up at least partially to put the threatened boot of mankind firmly on the throat of womankind, then nothing I say will convince him or her.

Once again, I recommend one book and only one book...

Sam Harris's The End of Faith.

It makes the danger of religion and its true believers crystal clear.

Genevieve said...

First of all, I thought this was hilarious. I'm no atheist, but I love this sort of "getting-inside-the-head-of-Satan" thing, even though I don't believe in the devil or hell.
Cruella Dahling-- I grew up Catholic, and yes, the church does oppress women. I'm converting to Judaism, a religion that does not. Go to this website if you want to know more: http://www.jewfaq.org/women.htm.
Just thought I should point that out.
Anyway, though, I must agree that I find the whole idea of Christian-Islamic holy wars absurd. You have two religions that basically believe in the same God, and they hate each other. Then again, I've met quite a few Christians who hate ANYONE who's not like them. Wish we could all get along and leave the spiritual stuff out of the public/politcal realm... but that's never worked.

Jaedon Woods said...

You know, I was smoking a joint while discussing the show "Entourage" with the baby Jesus last night and he brought up a really interesting point. If he really existed, would a pair of jeans and a "vintage tee" cost roughly the same as a years salary in Mexico? THAT's why people hate us...then he went on,something about double mocha mint chai lattes and botox injections, but he's prone to be long winded..and really bad with money. When he went to his sack to roll a second spliff, I noticed something; it was BRICK WEED. And that's when I knew he didn't exist...like baby jesus can't get the good medical marijuana....

I think the real path lies in the journey Zen Budhism talks about. Quite simply; finding your true self, then realizing there is no self and we're all interconnected in this time and place. Quit spending so much time worry about ourselves, living in fear and buying Ipods and learn to live in a way that we respect others more and actually have a fauking clue about who we REALLY are, so we can have a chance at a future and appreciate our time here more.

But, that may just be BJ's shitty weed talking...

cruella dahling said...

Wow, just read the first 10 pages on samharris.org and have ordered the book. Compelling stuff. Yup, we are going to kill each other off eventually because, as the kiddies say, "my God's better than your God!" "No, he isn't!", "Yes he is" ad infinitum......

LOVE the Godfather reference. Never thought of myself that way. Has someone taped a gun to the toilet in the handicapped restroom? That would make my day.

ames said...

Hysterical, Chez. The fact that my beliefs pretty much fit it doesn't hurt, of course, but still...that's some funny stuff. "Jesus Made-up Christ" still has me giggling- and might just be my new favorite curse word, if you don't mind me stealing it.

I work with a very sweet guy who happens to be a born-again Christian and who's ordained by some church or other. I had a toothache last week and he asked me if he could pray for me. I said sure, assuming he'd do it in the privacy of his own mind/church/home and figuring if it made him feel better he was welcome to it.

Nope. He poked his finger in my cheek and "commanded in the name of Jesus" that the toothache disappear. Um...well, ok, thanks. I'll stick with Vicodin.

I will never understand how reasonably intelligent people buy into any of it. They work so damn hard for the imaginary life-after-death that they completely miss the only one they get. I used to be jealous of their blind faith; now I'm just grateful that I wasn't inflicted with it.

choenbone said...

What? wait im confused, satan is a hoax, religion is fucked up. Next you'll be telling me Dee Snyder is married...

as Dennis Leary once said..."I have two words for you...nuclear fucking weapons." And i have to agree. Just blow up the whole fucking lot of batshit religious craZies and get on with life.

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