Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Penny Laid

I usually do my best to ignore the wellspring of celebrity rumor and conjecture that passes for legitimate news these days; I figure I have more important things to concern myself with than whether or not Nick Lachey has a small penis, and how many minutes of manual strangulation it would take to put Jessica Simpson into a permanent coma for publicly suggesting one way or the other.

But despite the claims of several ex-girlfriends, I'm human -- and every once in awhile something gets my attention.

The fact that the marriage between Kate Hudson and The Black Crowes' Chris Robinson is coming to an end isn't much of a surprise. I won't be one of those people who makes the case that their attempt at inter-species mating was doomed from the start, but I'm willing to bet that a near-constant barrage of this sentiment from everybody else on the goddamned planet constituted enough pressure to break even a marriage made out of titanium.

Now though, the New York Daily News (motto: "The Second-Best Newspaper to Train Your Puppy on in the Tri-State Area") is reporting that Owen Wilson may have had something to do with Kate's ultimate decision to leave her husband.

Understand something: to me, Kate Hudson will always be Penny Lane. She turned in one of the best performances, creating one of the best characters in possibly the best rock n'roll movie ever made -- Cameron Crowe's almost perfect Almost Famous. Thanks to that movie -- and her role in it -- I'll always love Kate in much the same way that I'll always love Zeppelin; she just had the ability to speak to my soul without saying so much as a word.

She could make Raising Helen IV: Annihilation, and I'd still sigh like a smitten schoolboy at the thought of her.

Owen Wilson on the other hand constitutes one of the most baffling cinematic curiosities since, well, the canonization of M. Night Syhamalan (sorry, I don't think that's ever getting old). He's made an entire career out of playing the guy who lived down the hall from me, and everyone else, in college -- the borderline autistic whom you wouldn't bother with if it weren't for the fact that he's a near-bottomless reservoir of pot; and even then you're wary simply because to gain access to his drugs you have to endure hours of ridiculously fucking giddy observations about why refrigerator magnets work or how Emily Bronte is the thinking man's Charlotte Bronte or a vast array of other crap that employs stoner-logic.

There's only one Wilson in the history of film that's turned in a duller, more lifeless performance -- and he starred opposite Tom Hanks in Castaway.

Now I have to live with the possibility that a guy who couldn't get me into a theater for any of the movies that he's made, somehow got himself into Kate Hudson's heart and nether-regions.

In the immortal words of Weezer: Say it Ain't So.


Robo said...

Yeah I can't stand the Celeb-rags either but it's always fun to surf for the obligatory Nip Slip now and again. Plus Tyler Durden is probably one of the funnier sites I've read on Celebrity Hijinks.

Anonymous said...

Liz says...

I have a few very important things to say. First, that I'm too lazy to register so my name comes up automatically. Second, that I could tell that they weren't going to last based on her radiance and his hirsuteness. Third, that Owen Wilson is just annoying with his constantly posed pouting pucker and his "Look at me! I'm a laaaaaadies man" attitude. Cute when you're in your 20's, obnoxious when your older. Please say it ain't so.

slouchmonkey said...

To me, she wasn't that earth shattering. It was a good role that several more capable actresses could've made brilliant. I do like the film a lot. As for this whole story, who the F cares!!!!

Jaedon Woods said...

Sadly this lends credence to my inner voice that tells me I must destroy Owen Wilson. His fame continues to dumbfound me every time another one of his "Hey Look! I'm marginally retarded" movies comes out.

Speaking of tools who've achieved some level of fame, I recently engaged one for a little verbal sparring to uncover him to be the moronic fraud he is. you'll have to check out my blog and read on your vacation. It's funny over a couple cocktails:

Ascend Bro...

Anonymous said...

Kate Hudson is so hard to handle now