Tuesday, August 01, 2006

King of the Booze


I'm going to create a MySpace profile under the name Mel Gibson, then post a comment on the site of every Jew I can find asking him or her for help in solving my drinking problem.

If this sounds laughable, trust me when I tell you that it's no more ridiculous than the real Mel's real solution to his very real public relations disaster.

It's a given in Hollywood that once you've screwed yourself beyond all hope of redemption, your only option is a seemingly heartfelt mea culpa from the fax-machine of Burson-Marsteller; but today's little olive branch to the Jews of the world from Team Gibson takes the cake -- or the matzo as it were. Mel's facing some potentially career-decimating fallout in the wake of his recent Malibu adventure; in fact, it's a safe bet that Harvey Weinstein has already the made the secret phone call that'll bring the Hebrew Hammer down on him during his stint in rehab. The question everyone seems to be asking however -- besides, "Holy shit, who dresses that man?" -- is, "Can he come back from this?"

It's a very simple question that actually hints at a much deeper issue.

Is it possible to say the things that Mel Gibson said and not be a bigot?

I have no doubt that many will argue with this, but I happen to think that when a person becomes enraged beyond all comprehension, he or she has the ability to say just about anything. I also think that when a person becomes enraged beyond all comprehension at someone in particular, he or she is likely to say the most hurtful thing possible -- focusing on whatever words might inflict the most damage; that includes slights against that person's race, religion, sexual orientation -- whatever will hurt the most. It's the verbal equivalent of grabbing a baseball bat during a brawl and swinging it at your target as hard as you can. Add alcohol and you've got yourself a recipe for regret.

This is why, in the heat of the moment, not all racist comments automatically prove their speaker to be a racist.

Unfortunately for Mel, he's got some personal history working against him in this department -- and this may be what inevitably sinks him. It's one thing to say you were drunk and pissed-off, but that argument holds absolutely no Manischewitz when it's been common knowledge for some time that you may have a personal beef with God's chosen.

Get ready though, because the truly comical part of this whole saga is still to come; it'll be the aforementioned Mel Gibson Hebrew Enlightenment and Redemption World Tour -- whereby Mel walks his own personal Stations of the Cross through the spots where Judaism endured its darkest hours. Rabbi Marvin Heir of the Simon Wiesenthal Center has already suggested that Mel follow-up his apology with an introspective pilgrimage to Auschwitz (which incidentally was just rechristened -- in surreally Prince-like fashion -- "The Former Nazi German Concentration Camp of Auschwitz.") This is the same logic that demands the obligatory empty-gesture of sensitivity training for every idiotic professional athlete who makes an off-the-cuff comment that happens to offend someone. It'll be completely worthless for anything more than a photo-op of Gibson peering solemnly into an oven, and a flowery prepared speech entitled "I Learned Something Today." It'll also be a mission which Mel Gibson will undertake willingly -- if you define willingly as "done only because you screwed yourself squarely in the ass and now have to make amends or you'll be doing Left Behind sequels with Kirk Cameron for the rest of your life."

My suggestion -- simply because it would be more fun to watch: make Mel join the Israeli Defense Forces and station him right on the front lines near Lebanon.

It's the only proper punishment I can think of for What Women Want.

9 comments:

Eric said...

Gotta say, it is going to be - I don't know if "fun" is the correct word, but perhaps -interesting watching this play out.
Given his previous comments about LGBT people (and I put the G in LGBT, baby!), I will never believe in his absolute contrition until he backpedals from these previously-uttered inflammatory comments as well.
Bite me, Mel. It won't make you gay.

VOTAR said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

King of the Booze.

I just now got that...

On behalf of my booish brethren, god damn you, wop.

jewy jewstein said...

no, it doesn't make MG a bigot just because he says stupid things like the Jews are behind all the wars. it makes him a bigot because he and his dear 'ol dad would rather be at a Nuremburg rally than at a JDL fundraiser, and all the slick media backspin can't take back the fact he let his guard down and let his true feelings and hatred out.

I'd have some respect for him if he owned up to it and just said he hates the Jews instead of being a backpedaling pussy. he should embrace being a bigot and revel in the vainglorious stupidity of having a morally bankrupt point of view.

Seig Heil, Mel!

VOTAR said...

Frontiersman: "THE NEW SHERRIF'S A NI.." [LOUD BELL CLANGS]

Townsfolk: "The new sherrif is nearing! Hooray!"

Frontiersman: "NO, DANG NABBIT! THE NEW SHERRIF'S A NI.." [LOUD BELL CLANGS]

Chez said...

Authentic frontier gibberish.

Robo said...

"A drunk man's tirade is a sober man's thoughts..."

Being drunk isn't an excuse for showing your true colors Mel. What's truly F'd is that he has to backtrack because instead of being able to freely express himself this society forces people to 'fit the mold' and not upset/offend anyone. Who cares if he does hate Jews...who cares if jews hate him?

The only issue I take is that he's denied it all along when everyone knows his true colors....(See Lance Bass)

der pickle said...

that is the best mug shot I've ever seen.

and as for who should care if he hates jews or they hate him, the answer is everybody. it's not like he's a dumb redneck in Montana hanging out in the basement with his idiot skinhead buddies. this is a guy who has a huge platform and money to create propaganda to address his rhetoric. all of the sheep who went and saw Passion because they're all up in Christ were treated to what amounted to a anti-semetic snuff film, and they only added money to his war chest.

if you still haven't put it together, that's the same bullshit "who cares" attitude Europe had with Hitler, and look how well that turned out.

Robo said...

der Pickle....

While I understand where you're coming from I'm afraid that the hitler comparison is way off. First hitler was wildly intelligent and could speak with a persuasion that we haven't seen since Clinton convinced us a Blow Job wasn't 'sex'. Mel is just an actor who reads lines. Anyone who is influenced by his drunken rants should go back to school to learn how to think for themselves. That was my point...he's a rich actor who happens to be known because he knows how to wear facepaint, ride a horse, and read women's minds. Hitler was able to rally a nation through spoken word.

Sure there will be a few people who will agree but that's always the case. I just think that everyone's so uptight about verbalizing an opinion on everyone else's beliefs/values/etc that we're soon all going to be like the society in Demolition Man where we get fined for swearing. We're constantly taught to understand and respect people's differences but god forbid if you criticize one of them because then you're a bigot/racist/atheist/going to hell. I just don't get it.

If you're really upset with what he said write to the studio of all the dvd's of his movies you might own and ask for your money back...then ask your friends and family to do the same. Then you can take back your piece of the "War Chest".

I would be more concerned with Hamas and Hizbollah's agression and not some stupid drunk actor...just my $0.02.

Sheriff Bart said...

Makes me want to dig out my VHS copy of Attack Force Z

If Mel can take out them Nips, he can mess up some Lebanese. Drunk off his ass or not.