Friday, August 11, 2006

I ? N Y



Hello little people, I'm Nan Kempner -- and I'd like to talk to you on behalf of the great city of New York.

I could beat around the bush, but why bother; I have a spa pedicure appointment to get to, and you no doubt have a monster truck-pull to attend. The fact is this: here in New York, we're better than you.

I realize that may be a difficult thing to hear, but it's true -- and I know so because, well, I'm a New Yorker and therefore smarter than you. It simply goes without saying that as a sadly inferior life-form, you wouldn't even be able to recognize your own inaedquacy.

That's why we want you to visit our city! It's vastly more interesting than Tampa or Des Moines, or wherever you and your fourteen children are unlucky enough to call home.

We have Broadway and big buildings and culturally-elite intellectuals; We have apartments that are the size of shoeboxes and cost six times what you're paying for your ugly, four-bedroom Spanish villa-style home on that pathetically quiet tree-lined street that's sadly devoid of piled garbage or muttering vagrants; We ride trains -- well, I don't, but some do -- and those trains are packed to capacity with sweaty, frazzled and generally bitter people, all of whom are either well on their way to developing ulcers or nursing the ones they already have -- but believe you me, each one of them knows full well that he or she is infinitely smarter and better than you simply because they've chosen to live here... oh, did I mention that they're not riding the subway if there happens to be a transit strike? Then they're walking across the Brooklyn Bridge in three-degree weather, singing to themselves the entire time about how thrilled they are to be tougher and more clever than all of you.

And of course, we have socialites -- like myself -- who believe that they're the Aristoi and that there's simply no excuse for being ugly, poor or -- well -- you.

If you're nervous about being in such an overwhelming city -- which would be understandable given the shallowness of your own feeble existence -- have no fear: we have an Olive Garden here to make you feel at home.

None of us goes there of course, as we know what you don't -- that Olive Garden is awful. You only think it's good -- but you need to trust us, because we know better.

We on the other hand understand that a meal isn't truly worthwhile unless you're paying an obscene amount of money for it and it's being served to you by a celebrity chef while you sit three seats away from Sarah Jessica Parker.

Still, to give you at least a small taste of the true New York -- the most your paltry brain could handle I'm sure -- we've inflated the prices at the Olive Garden; this way you can go home and tell the hideous little friends you invite to your next Bar-B-Q that just for a moment, you felt important.

So come on America -- visit the place that urinates on your beliefs, your politics, your concept of family and everything else you hold dear.

New York: come for the rats the size of Volkswagens, stay for the potential terrorist attacks.


DISSOLVE TO GRAPHIC: In Memory of Nan Kempner, who died of emphysema, July 3rd, 2005

Trademark: Brought to you by the New York City Board of Tourism and Office of Everyone-Else-Can-Suck-Our-Cocks


buddha said...

the only time... (and i mean only) that new york was ever actually cool was when the "kurgen" from highlander drove down the interstate singing "new york new york" while the girly girl screamed and he drove like a maniac. gotta love the irony (imagine a crazy driver in new york) ha ha ha... oh... i guess i should mention the time i went there just after sept 11th and one of my friends gave me a camera to scale one of the barricades to take some photos of the destruction... after hearing strange sounds (saftey switches being turned off) i decided it was a good idea to climb down while two fully armed marines aimed the weapons at me with not so much of a PLEASE GET OFF... for the record... after i shat myself i explained i was canadian and they let me go... new york new york what a hell of a town... cheers!!

Jayne said...

I can just imagine you sitting there at work, typing in "obnoxious ugly old upper east side socialite" into your google image search.
I've seen worse on the streets (the rare times when they're not using their car service), but well done none-the-less. besides, there's the picture of the joker a few entries down- and that's close!

so that whole 'moving out of new york' thing... I guess it's not a phase... where were we thinking again?

We'll have to buy more furniture.

And I'll miss the rats. Human and otherwise.

VOTAR said...

Of course, you know that when the Wheel of Karma stops spinning this time, the little wiggly pointy thing will land on the brightly colored wheel spoke that says "Transfer to Bay News 9 in Tampa."

You can have lunch on the weekends with my folks, at the Olive Garden.

jayne said...

would you believe that actually sounds appealing at this point? :/

Anonymous said...

Oh WHINE about it!!! Good GOD, at least you're above ground today!!!
Haven't you learned anything from our banter?? You're continuously (SP?) reminding me of Billy Joel's "Angry Young Man"...Alas, it sounds as if you're pleasing your audience...oops...that implies hypocrisy (SP?)..this is just a venue for your self-expression...not for show...right?
Your Conscience

Anonymous said...

I LOVE OLIVE GARDEN!!! They're soup, salad, and breadsticks ROCK!!!!

Anonymous said...

what an insult to all italians...

VOTAR said...

[Try to imagine the guy from the Pepperidge Farms cookie commercials narrating:]

Autumn is here...

Soon the NFL season will begin.

Labor Day is just a few weeks off.

Before you know it, Halloween.

Then Thanksgiving.

The whole family, gathered round the table as Dad carves the turkey. The potatos, stuffing, greens, cranberry sauce. Mmmmmmm...

The whole family, that is, except the children.

The children don't get to sit at the grown up table.

The grown up conversation doesn't concern them.

They sit in the den, at the fold-up card table. The grown-ups have put on a Sponge Bob cartoon to amuse the children as they eat. The door to the den is pulled closed, so the grown-ups can continue their discussion, in peace.

As it should be...

Anonymous said...

Don't be so pissed off about living in the big city. New York tops any other city I've ever been to, which doesn't say a lot. Still, you could be living in some suburban back-of-the-boat city where the socialites get older & uglier than anything you've ever seen in New York.

Get my drift?

New York has life. It has people that stand for nothing but to piss all over your beliefs. It has overpriced apartments & homeless folks who speak in nothing but gagging shrieks. Nevertheless, it has culture. It has art. It has far more than any other city.

I like to think I know you well enough to safely say that no matter where you move, you'll never be happy, but at least humor me here. I mean, New York City? You're bitching about that? Grow up. Ground yourself. If you're truly unhappy, then wanting to move is understandable, but if you're just picking the city apart like a chicken dinner for the sake of doing so, stop. If you're not happy there, the city that mirrors your personality in such vivid light (And that's not an insult. It's the same way for me), then all signs point to "Good luck finding something better."


Jayne, Tampa? You both have been inhaling too much exhaust. Tampa has the appeal of a Spandau Ballet reunion tour.

doctor robert ibach said...

NYC definitely mirrors a certain aspect of both jayne's and chez's personalities... but it is by no means all-encompassing. life is all about balance. if you feel yourself getting pulled to one extreme, it may be time for a change. as you said, "ground yourself."

Chez said...

It's just a column folks, just a column.

Anonymous said...

OH, but it's not just a column, Chez...why, you've said so's a form of self-expression, right?
Your Conscience

Chez said...

Well conscience, this has been entertaining -- Lord knows it's been a cute game trying to figure out just which of my pissed-off exes you happen to be (the list is unfortunately long); but seeing as how you don't really seem to have much to offer beyond bad spelling, a somewhat psychotic grudge and of course a shitload of extraneous exclamation points -- I'm going to do to you what I did to my real conscience for far too many years: I'm gonna banish you.

Everyone else, feel free to continue to comment -- even if it's constructive criticism.

Bye bye conscience... oh yeah, and make sure to take the whole cup of pills the nurse brings you in a few minutes.

: )

VOTAR said...

But...Tampa has the smallest State Park in America, the longest uninterupted sidewalk, and the record for most frequest lightning strikes per year.

Oh and pirates.

On behalf of all my fellow full blooded Tampons, I -- their ambassador in exile -- proclaim jihad on the faceless, nameless infidel. FATWAH IS DECLARED!!!

No, really. I revise and ammend my earlier metaphorical parable. Don't close the door to the Den, Chez. This unhinged display of bizarre vitriol is simply far too entertaining to miss out on. I can't wait for the next installment, with the expectation that it won't make a difference what subject matter you choose.

"Blue? Blue you say? Grow up Chez! What have you got against Chartreuse anyway? It's sooo beneath you to insult all the other colors and like Blue. And yet so like you...and I should know becasue the shrine I built of you in my closet tells me so in my dreams."

I can't wait.

Jayne said...

Votar, you are my hero. and one of the reasons that I like Tampa. That and the beaches there are lovely.

The real reason we want to leave new york (which all of our friends and family know of course) is that it's just too expensive here. After the rent is paid and we have a relatively active social life (we are still young, afterall), there's nothing left for savings, and I don't want to rent for the rest of our lives, or raise a child in a one-bedroom apartment. All of the things that we loved about NYC before are just not important to us anymore. We're looking forward to an environment that's more supportive of families, as we're hoping to start our own soon. I don't think this reasoning is immature at all.

Chez loves to make fun of the obnoxious stereotypical new yorkers, because we see them every day and they BEG for it... this latest article was just that. I for one thought it was hysterical.

You can't be a friend of ours- our friends have a sense of humor. They have to. I do the best Elaine dance around.

(I now realize why chez never listened to his conscience... )

VOTAR said...

Well the beaches are like tepid bathwater, and the city elders banned thong bikinis.

But that's okay, I look terrible in a thong bikini.

Seriously...come back here. I could use the company.

Robo said...

See now I'm a little upset...I was going to say that you guys could move to CT and enjoy the same Rich White People BS (well minus the Celebrtities Socialites) that NYC has to offer, but I'm afraid to say that it's just about as Expensive here. Which in all honesty is quite befuddling.

At least in NYC you get the rats (both animal and human), the Arts (both on the subway/walls and in the museums), the Stench (there IS a landfill .5 mile north of downtown Hartford), the anger (not really because most people realize they don't make enough $$ to live here too), AND the Socialites (we have people that THINK they are Sara Jessica Parker, whose expressions are great when you insult their Hoity Toity-ness).

All in all, it might not be a bad trade off afterall. And since you're paying $3000 for your apt anyway (just a guess) you could get yourself a nice house that is about to be torn down...oh but it's already Condemmed.

Fuck it I'm moving to D.C.


doctor robert ibach said...

get as far away from civilization as possible... unabomber style. -_-

theodicy said...

"That's why we want you to visit our city! It's vastly more interesting than Tampa or Des Moines, or wherever you and your fourteen children are unlucky enough to call home."

I'm in training for a new customer "service" job, and one of the things we do to insure sure we know the system is to make practice phone calls to one another, pretending to be obnoxious customers. Today I pretended to be a lady who couldn't afford her insurance premiums because she had to feed her fourteen kids...

...When my wife and I got married, our very first dinner together as husband and wife was at the Olive Garden in San Antonio, Texas. We were too poor to go anywhere cool for a honeymoon, so we did what any poor couple living in Texas would do...go to the city of the Alamo: San Antonio, and goof-off for a couple of days.

My wife is orginally from upstate NY, the Hudson valley. Everytime we go to NY state to visit I ask if we can go to Manhattan, but my wife hates the place. The closest we ever got was Poughkeepsie.

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