Saturday, July 01, 2006

Allez... Allez! Allez! Allez!


I haven't written about the World Cup in awhile since, really, what the hell can I add that others haven't? Besides, I leave that kind of pontificating to my friend Steve Owen.


After a really God-awful morning -- Rooney red-carded; Beckham gets a boo-boo and pulls himself out; Mighty England goes down -- I sat down with a bottle of Bordeaux and some Brie, said a prayer, and prepared myself for the possibility of true heartbreak.

Look kids, France vs. Brazil was the ultimate clash of cultures -- as in a country that has one, and a country that doesn't. Yeah the French are snobs, but have you ever been to Paris? The city's fucking gorgeous. They should be snobs for Christ sake. Meanwhile Brazil... well what the hell can you say about a people who took a really beautiful rain forest and planted a giant slum on top of it.

I prayed for one more brilliant performance from Zidane. I prayed for my gods from Arsenal, Henry and Viera, to at least hold their own against that goddamned Neanderthal Ronaldo and his smiling, retarded little brother Ronaldinho.

And guess what the hell happened. The French team from 1998 was resurrected.

Zidane dominated. Henry scored. Brazil -- the giant with mystery bruises and bad dental work -- finally fell.

Fuck yes.

Hey Ronaldinho... still smiling bitch?

Think I'll open another bottle of wine -- maybe a nice Beaujolais.


VOTAR said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
VOTAR said...

What? You aren't watching Wimbledon?


Now stay tuned for some commercials then some videos followed by Eddie the Flying Gimp From Outer Space.

Obtuse Lautrec said...

Well, England and Brazil both losing certainly avoided a Dental-Care-Free Quarterfinal.

ObsuteLautrec said...

Speaking of America's lack of interest with the world cup-- it's because we just don't get it. It doesn't fit into our 200 year-old ingrained psyche.

Two examples:

This morning on the ESPN show THE SPORTS REPORTERS (might be called THE OLD MEN WHO DONT SWEAT ON TV BUT DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SPORTS- JUST ABOUT PUTTING FOR THEIR OPINION FORTH STRONGLY) John Saunders, Bob White Hair and Don Lebatard (that one's too easy) were beside themselves that these 'very important' games can't possibly be settled by penalty kicks. gulp!

The fact that the rest of the cultured world (those who actually have cultures that don't include as their cornerstone a gift from France 150 years ago) has no problem and has never had a problem with penalty kicks. These old men sitting in their sports-ticker palaces act as if the two teams show up and to decide the game take 5 Penalty Kicks and go home.

In actual fact, both teams play 45, then 45, then 15, then 15, minutes before penalty kicks are involved. That's 140 solid minutes of soccer. That's 2-plus hours of solid action. You don't get that much action in a week of Yankees games-- seriously. And if neither team takes the requisite chances needed in order to put their team on the advantage, than what is wrong with settling the contest with PK's? Boo hoo, one of the SPORTS REPORTERS cried, "that doesn't necessarily mean that the best team wins." So let me get this straight, using this asshat's theory, it's only legitimate when the 'favored' (by whom Bob?) team wins? So France's victory is spoiled because it was gained on PK's-- was the implication. Did these guys even think that the favored Brazil lost because they played over two hours without delivering a scoring advantage over their rival. holy crap. These guys are fucking morons-- and not too far removed from the average American sports fan whose understanding and love of the game comes from watching SPORTS CENTER and some guy named TREY WINGO.

See below for another review of SPORTS RETARDATION.

Obtuse Lautrec said...

I promised two examples:

The second example of why this country is ill-suited for soccer--
Youri Djorkaeff, the Captain of the NY Red Bulls, was spotted in the stands on Saturday watching the France vs. Brazil contest. Interesting, noted the announcers, his Red Bulls vs. rival NJ had a game that evening that was interestingly being broadcast on ESPN. Wait a second, they announced, it was reported by his club that he was a scratch for the game because he was on leave for a "personal matter."

Now, you wonder why American fans don't give two shits about this sport in this country??!! Well, it's fucking obvious if the CAPTAIN OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL AND POPULAT TEAM IN THE COUNTRY could care less about competing, why should we give a rats ass about watching.

Now, don't tell me his team didn't know what he was up to. Don't tell me this ass-squirt went to his GM or whomever and said, "I havinztoleave for perzonal matterz." And they, knowing that they had a nationally televised game that night, against their rivals from across the river, that was scheduled to take advantage of the interest in soccer at this particular time due to the World Cup, and knowing that the loss of their captain would be something that would be indeed noticed, didn't bother to ask him WHY? If they did and he said, "I want to watch the World Cup" they should have said, "Ahh, go sit down asshat." If they asked and he lied, he should be canned, as an example. If they didn't ask, whomever didn't ask should be canned. So there you have it. We will find out this week what happens, but if someone's ass isn't looking for work, you'll have the answer in a nutshell as to why soccer is unsuccessful in this country-- no body fucking cares. Not the management, not the talent, not the fans. If they drop the ball on this one, goodriddance soccer. I'll be satisfied with the WC every four years.

VOTAR said...

I wanted to read those very lengthy, detailed, and spirited comments.

But they are about soccer and I don't care.

Now stay tuned for some videos followed by That Screaming Aspirin Commercial Guy.